


Soothe

by bobbiejelly



Series: MerAdd My Heart <3 [5]
Category: Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice
Genre: 2009, Acceptance, Based on Grey's Anatomy, Before and After, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Ex-Life, F/F, Friendship, Grey's Anatomy References, Grey's Anatomy Spoilers, Healing, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, I Watched Too Much Grey's Anatomy, Inspired by Grey's Anatomy, MerAdd, Meredith Teachers Addison That She's Worth Worrying Over, Old Friends, Private Practice Crossover Event, Sad Addison Montgomery, Sad Meredith Grey, Self-Love, Self-Soothe, Soothe, The Ex-Wife and the Ex-Mistress, an honest mistake, maddison - Freeform, meddison, mutual understanding, self-care, self-soothing, soothing, whole
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:35:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 64,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly
Summary: In Which Meredith teaches Addison how to self-soothe.Before Meredith married Derek, and After she'd almost told Addison she liked her.F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. GA/PP Fanfiction.Set during GA - "Before After/An Honest Mistake & PP - Acceptance/Ex-Life. Rated M.Inspired by "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by lespians, "Blame Game" by LordOfLezzies, "All We Ever Are We Are" by SilverStarsAndMoons and “I’ll Feel Better When The Headaches Go Away” by StepIsInsanity.
Relationships: Meredith Grey & Addison Montgomery, Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery
Series: MerAdd My Heart <3 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1687834
Comments: 38
Kudos: 38





	1. Someone Worth Worrying Over

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lespians](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lespians/gifts), [LordofLezzies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordofLezzies/gifts), [Kristin_Aubrie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kristin_Aubrie/gifts), [addiesbaby](https://archiveofourown.org/users/addiesbaby/gifts), [EmyLilas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmyLilas/gifts), [LarisUSB](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LarisUSB/gifts), [lineeelin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lineeelin/gifts), [lightningmaystrike](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightningmaystrike/gifts), [seattlerain879](https://archiveofourown.org/users/seattlerain879/gifts), [lydialyn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lydialyn/gifts), [Seldom_naughty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seldom_naughty/gifts), [Mbufton12](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mbufton12/gifts), [anonymous_sibyl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/anonymous_sibyl/gifts), [punky_96](https://archiveofourown.org/users/punky_96/gifts), [Jennifer-Oksana (JenniferOksana)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenniferOksana/gifts), [bg3929](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bg3929/gifts), [aymr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aymr/gifts), [StephyInsanity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/StephyInsanity/gifts), [souvenirscar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/souvenirscar/gifts), [Reviewer_only](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reviewer_only/gifts), [TheQueenOfPassiveAggressiva](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheQueenOfPassiveAggressiva/gifts), [tisziny](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tisziny/gifts), [SassyKissMyAssy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SassyKissMyAssy/gifts), [Bluefall](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluefall/gifts), [WhatwouldagentScullydo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatwouldagentScullydo/gifts), [hestervandal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hestervandal/gifts), [AddisonAddek](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AddisonAddek/gifts), [Ace_of_the_garden11](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ace_of_the_garden11/gifts), [AmeliasMistletoe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmeliasMistletoe/gifts), [waltzmatildah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/waltzmatildah/gifts), [demoka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/demoka/gifts), [tornyourdress](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tornyourdress/gifts), [Jaina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaina/gifts), [theagonyofblank](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theagonyofblank/gifts), [gaylock](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaylock/gifts), [Starlord25](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlord25/gifts), [ReadingIsEverything](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReadingIsEverything/gifts), [mellivias](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mellivias/gifts), [witchy_slut](https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchy_slut/gifts), [HyoSooHarem](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HyoSooHarem/gifts), [Hime_no_Kowai_Shumi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hime_no_Kowai_Shumi/gifts), [luthorslena](https://archiveofourown.org/users/luthorslena/gifts), [MissLuthorsHizzie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissLuthorsHizzie/gifts), [SBWomenofMarvel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SBWomenofMarvel/gifts), [pclauink](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pclauink/gifts), [earpsdimples](https://archiveofourown.org/users/earpsdimples/gifts), [leonhart_17](https://archiveofourown.org/users/leonhart_17/gifts), [ThatWinchesterGirl67](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatWinchesterGirl67/gifts), [february28](https://archiveofourown.org/users/february28/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14151828) by [lespians](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lespians/pseuds/lespians). 
  * Inspired by [Blame Game](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23753014) by [LordofLezzies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordofLezzies/pseuds/LordofLezzies). 
  * Inspired by [All We Are We Are](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/616234) by SilverStarsAndMoons. 
  * Inspired by [I'll Feel Better When the Headaches Go Away](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8146990) by [StephyInsanity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/StephyInsanity/pseuds/StephyInsanity). 
  * Inspired by [Falling Apart, Barely Breathing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480) by [bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly). 
  * Inspired by [Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160) by [bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly). 
  * Inspired by [Cinnamon](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24201019) by [bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly). 
  * Inspired by [What She Doesn’t Know (Won’t Hurt At All)](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/642310) by meltyoudown. 



> Author's Note:
> 
> Once this concept got in my head, I just couldn't let it go.
> 
> Here's a short one-shot or short multi chap set during the GA/PP Crossovers of February 2009.
> 
> Yes, I will still be continuing all of my current active works at some point.
> 
> Yes, I still plan on updating "Falling Apart, Barely Breathing," tonight.
> 
> Yes, I hope to eventually write those other one-shots I wrote all these prompts for…
> 
> Thank you for your support, dear readers. Leave a star and a comment-
> 
> These mean a whole bunch to me.
> 
> You matter to me.
> 
> bobbiejelly
> 
> :D

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which Meredith teaches Addison she's worth worrying over.

* * *

** Soothe **

* * *

_In Which Meredith teaches Addison how to self-soothe._

_Before Meredith married Derek, and After she'd almost told Addison she liked her._

_F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. GA/PP Fanfiction._

_Set during GA - "Before After/An Honest Mistake & PP - Acceptance/Ex-Life. Rated M._

_Inspired by "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by Illegal Kittens, "Blame Game" by LordOfLezzies, and "All We Ever Are We Are" by SilverStarsAndMoons._

* * *

**Chapter 1: Someone Worth Worrying Over**

* * *

_In Which Meredith teaches Addison she's someone worth worrying over._

* * *

Meredith Grey finds Addison Montgomery crying in the residents' lounge.

She's not so sure why Addison would even be here, since it's not like she's even a resident, anymore.

And it's not like she's ever been a Seattle Grace Hospital resident, ever.

And it's not like she's ever been in the resident's lounge for no reason, ever.

Not that Meredith has ever noticed or seen her in here, at least, that she remembers.

* * *

Addison looks like she's been sobbing and ugly-crying, and Meredith thinks for a moment she should maybe leave Addison all alone.

Because she's sort of her ex-husband's ex-mistress and then was his ex-girlfriend and now is his current-girlfriend and maybe soon to even be his current-fiance… If she says _yes_ , to Derek Shepherd, that is...

She'd never told anyone that she'd found that ring in his pocket last week.

She never even told Cristina that, and she usually told Cristina _everything_.

But Cristina would probably want to be happy for her, and she's not sure she wants to be happy for herself, so she never said anything to anyone, ever. Not even Cristina.

And so now she is standing behind Addison Forbes Montgomery, her ex-teacher and ex-mentor and ex-Mrs. McDreamy and she's not sure what to do or to say at all, or if she'll say anything, about that, or about anything else, to anyone, or to Addison, ever.

* * *

She should probably walk right away right now, run away from it all.

She should probably not rekindle the bittersweet inklings of not quite friendship but not quite not-friendship that she'd once shared with Addison in solidarity over Derek.

Back then a few years ago when Addison was the adulterous satan and she was the dirty blonde mistress and things were so, so, much different for both of them, back then, anyway.

And then now Addison is just somebody she used to know from her past, from _their_ past.

Because Meredith likes to think that _they_ had something that had been shared together that was other than _Derek_ , their mutual 'shared' ex-though-not-so-ex-for-Meredith-anymore…

And back then, _they_ had gotten along, usually when something really really BAD had happened.

* * *

Like when Meredith had been in an explosion and George told her later that Addison had freaked out when she found out it was her hand on the bomb and no longer Hannah's.

Like when she drowned off the sound and Addison stayed in the room with her while Derek tried and failed to resuscitate Meredith's mother. Which wasn't actually his fault, per se, unlike some of the other things that were probably actually Derek's fault.

Like when Addison had come back for a few days last year and she said she wanted to kick Meredith's ass for letting Derek 'get away with that doe-eyed-thing' nurse Rose or something who had been his McRebound before he left her for Meredith after she'd built him a candle house.

* * *

Addison was a constant in Meredith's life for so long.

Addison had been a grownup she looked up to, who helped her, who cared for her for no reason when no one else could understand.

Addison had been there for Meredith, even though she could have, and probably should have, hated her to high heavens.

But Addison was different, because she didn't hate Meredith, and instead, she stood up for Meredith, and not only to annoy the hell out of Derek.

Addison did things like talk to her when she was on drugs. Meredith remembers the drugs and the talking but she doesn't remember anything that she said or Addison said then because it was all such a blur of being so goddamn relieved she wasn't pregnant with his baby McTwisted.

Addison did all sorts of nice things for Meredith, like bring her hot chocolate juju and try to be her friend, and take care of her dog, and not kill her when she slept with her then-husband.

* * *

And Meredith sort of wishes she could bring Addison some hot-chocolate juju right now. Except she doesn't have any hot chocolate and she doesn't have her credit card or her change here.

So instead, she just sits next to Addison, who notices her immediately and still sits there beside her.

And eventually, Meredith says to her "I wish I had some hot chocolate to give you, but then again, you gave it to me when people were dying, and I don't want anyone to be dying, you know, because of like some weird reverse-juju sort of side-effects, so I don't have any now…"

Meredith realizes her rambles are not making any sense, so instead, she just asks Addison "what's wrong?" And she waits for Addison to either tell her, or not tell her, or just walk away.

" _My brother might be dying, my best friend is his new girlfriend, and this best friend's ex-husband is having fake asthma attacks over her, and I have no one having fake medical problems over ME, and I can't think of anyone who ever would, Meredith," says Addison softly to Meredith Grey._

"Oh," Meredith says just that because she has nothing quick and good to say to that one.

* * *

And Meredith just sits there, sort of stunned because it takes her a good two minutes to sort out all of the boyfriends and best friends and fake medical problems from real medical problems that were all sprinkled into that last sentence like a fruit medley, tossed together in a combination that was confusing, yet comforting.

And Meredith tries to come up with a response to that because she has nothing to offer to comfort Addison for her brother. Because Archer Montgomery has like, worms in his brain and her… _Derek_ had to do something about it and selfishly, she hoped that he would because if he failed he'd probably go all ballistic and Meredith would have to talk him down all through that…

And Meredith starts to focus on the other parts, like how Addison's _best friend_ is sort of seeing her _brother_ and how that must hurt. And hurts even _more_ because she's got no one. And this confuses Meredith because Addison is like a sex-goddess and she had Derek for like 11 years until he got tired of her or something which also makes no sense and then Meredith says to her,

" _I would, you know if you'd let me, I definitely would, and thank you for telling off Archer for me," says Meredith Grey to her softly. "I would have all sorts of fake asthma and fake allergies and fake medical problems worrying myself over you all the time, Addison…"._

And then Meredith sees Addison look up at her, a bit shocked and confused and then she's wondering if Addison could even sort out HER sentence with all the hypothetical nonexistent excuses she just said she'd make up if she were to be, hypothetically, worrying herself over Addison, while she's non-hypothetically worrying herself over Addison, now.

"Oh," Addison just says just that because she has no idea what to respond with so she just mirrors Meredith having said 'oh' to her, earlier.

* * *

Meredith is terrified suddenly that Addison is going to start crying again or hyperventilating or something again. Or maybe she'll run away, _('I would probably run away, but then again I always run away…' Thinks Meredith to herself rather idly.)_. But Addison doesn't run away, instead, she just keeps sobbing to herself all alone even with Meredith there beside her, she cries all alone.

And Meredith doesn't want Addison to feel all alone anymore, so she wraps her thin arms around Addison's shoulders and nestles her head into the crook of Addison's neck. "You know, you're worth worrying over, you really are," Meredith says to her then. And Addison cries even harder, and Meredith realizes, sadly, that it's been a while since anyone has said something like that to her.

So Meredith says it again, she starts saying it over and over. She keeps saying to Addison "you're worth worrying over, you're worth worrying over, you're worth worrying over…" until she thinks that Addison is starting to believe her because she's meeting Meredith in the eye and mouthing to her a short 'thank-you' because she's too shaky to even speak to her, now.

And Meredith keeps holding onto her, keeps clinging on for dear life because she knows that Addison is still hurting and she knows she's not hurting because of her this time. But she's been hurting because of her. And in some of the last times when she's seen Addison crying all alone and Addison sent her away then- she told her to 'pick a floor and I'll pick a floor because I really just need a minute away from YOU'.

So Meredith had left then, she'd left Addison crying by herself, all hurt and alone, for a reason she only found out later when someone had finally told her that Addison had once fallen pregnant with a baby belonging to Mark Sloan and that she'd aborted it without even telling him that it had happened. And Meredith feels for Addison even more than she feels for Mark in this situation.

She should feel for Mark, more. After all, she WAS his 'dirty mistress club' counterpart. But something about her being a woman and Addison being a woman and ALSO being in solidarity with Addison in the 'being hurt by our mutual _Derek_ ' sort of thing that they had once going on made Meredith feel something for Addison, then. And she's feeling something for Addison now. So she just keeps holding on to her.

* * *

She keeps telling Addison it's okay, and that she's okay, and that she's someone worth worrying over. And eventually, Addison stops crying as loudly as she had been. And Meredith asks why the hell she's in the resident's lounge, anyhow. And Addison says she was just lost, and that she always feels lost nowadays. And Meredith looks into her eyes and she holds Addison's hand. And she sits there, with her, just holding her hand until Addison sort-of stops sobbing so hard.

* * *

*

*****

*****

*****

*****

******* END OF CHAPTER ONE**

* * *


	2. An Impeding Potential Tragedy In The Limelight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which Addison coughs, and Meredith gets her a glass of water.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, shoutout to Kristin_Aubrie who commented on Chapter 1 as I am posting Chapter 2. You ROCK.

_Author's Note:_

Here's another addition to this story.

This are a lot of monologues, not a lot of dialogues.

Trying something new.

Think of this as the anti 'Elevator to Heaven'.

Let me know what you think-

Have a good day,

 _bobbiejelly_.

* * *

**Soothe**

* * *

_In Which Meredith teaches Addison how to self-soothe._

_Before Meredith married Derek, and After she'd almost told Addison she liked her._

_F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. GA/PP Fanfiction._

_Set during GA - "Before After/An Honest Mistake & PP - Acceptance/Ex-Life. Rated M._

_Inspired by "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by Illegal Kittens, "Blame Game" by LordOfLezzies, and "All We Ever Are We Are" by SilverStarsAndMoons._

* * *

**Chapter 2: An Impending Potential Tragedy In The Limelight**

* * *

_In Which Addison coughs, and Meredith gets her a glass of water._

* * *

1

Meredith Grey eventually feels, rather than sees or hears, that Addison has stopped sobbing as she feels Addison stop shaking so hard in her arms. She holds onto her still, for a little bit longer to make sure this isn't just some momentary calm-before-the-storm pause in crying. She holds on to make sure Addison wouldn't end up falling over when she eventually let go.

Meredith doesn't actually want to let go of Addison Montgomery before Addison is ready for her to let go of her, so she only looks up again once the shaking has subsided, for the most part, to see Addison's shining emerald green eyes staring off into the bitterness of straight ahead of them, but really she's staring off into nowhere.

Addison is eclipsed with preemptive grief over her _Archie_ , as she calls him in her sobs, and Meredith thinks that this is actually really cute but she doesn't want to chuckle at it because then Addison might look at her. And she doesn't want Addison to look into her big baby blue eyes right now because she's not sure what she'll see if she does.

Meredith thinks that she would really like to know or understand, somehow, the emotions that might be swirling around in her own eyes as she stares at Addison who stares off into space again. She's seen Addison stare off into space several times, as she's mentioned. These situations also fall into the category of 'when something _really_ BAD happens'.

Such as when she signed the damn papers to finally put Doc, their mutual dog down. If there was any sentient being that ever benefitted from Addison's offhanded snide comment about them 'not being into threesomes' it was definitely Doc, because at least Doc had been probably the only thing the three of them ever shared together without arguing completely.

And even then, not entirely without argument because of course Meredith had had to go date-but-not-screw their mutual vet of their mutual pet as she tried to knit sweaters or scarves or something but she wasn't that good and her scarves were always so screwed up and knotted like she was until Izzie changed them for hers and Meredith pretended not to notice she did that.

* * *

2

But back to the point, of when Meredith had seen Addison staring off into the distance, sometimes it was about a patient that she couldn't save. Sometimes it was about a patient she _could_ save but that was going to end up having a really tragic life probably, after that, like if she had to give them up to DCFS right away or release them to questionable parents.

Meredith wonders if the doctor who delivered her thought that HER parents were questionable at the time they sent her home with them. Because they definitely were; Ellis Grey and Thatcher Grey were no picnic to be raised by and add Richard Webber all into the mix and there you had the trifecta of 'doctors make the worst parents, _ever_ ' or whatever that expression is supposed to be.

But Meredith chides herself thinking about her own problems, now, when she really needs to be focusing on the redhead in front of her who has an impending potential tragedy in the limelight; in the shape of a dead-brother-caused-by-a-barely-living- _Derek-Shepherd_. Which would be extremely unfortunate for at least 50-million reasons and Meredith dreads over all of them.

So she looks up into Addison's eyes again, and they're all glazed over and pink from the crying. And that makes Meredith squeeze a bit onto Addison's hand she's still holding while also awkwardly hugging her and resting her head on her shoulder because Addison is so _tall_. She's half a foot taller than Meredith and Meredith always had to look upwards to talk to her.

Maybe that's why she's leaning her head onto Addison's shoulder now, so at least the looking up part will feel all familiar because the whole looking OUT for Addison part is feeling a lot _less_ familiar because Addison could usually handle all her own problems all by herself. Or at least without the help of her ex-husband's ex-not-ex-something because she had a _friend_ and a _brother._

But now Addison might be physically losing one of those two people and mentally losing the other; if her _Archie_ were to die, then her best friend would be mourning the death of her newfound boyfriend while _her_ ex-husband Sam would probably go into cardiac arrest or something worrying over Naomi all over again and _that_ would just make Addison feel even _sadder._

* * *

3

So Meredith keeps holding Addison's hand and she sort of starts to stick her thumb into Addison's palm and Addison sort of snaps out of her thoughts for a second to raise an eyebrow in confusion at her as she does this. But Meredith does this so she can start rubbing soothing circles into Addison's palm with her thumb and once Addison feels this she sort of sighs in relief.

So Meredith keeps going with the thumb-circles thing as she keeps leaning into Addison's shoulder and she keeps staring up at her every once in a while when she doesn't have her eyes closed just listening to the beat-beat-beating of Addison's heart beat-beat-beating out of her chest in the moments of panic that begin and end before Meredith can stop them or start doing anything else.

And then Addison coughs as she looks like she wants to say something to someone again, or say something to Meredith or about Meredith or about her brother or about her best friend or about the fact that Mark Sloan has been hanging around with Derek Shepherd and them and all their Old-Timey-New-York-But-Now-LA-Slash-Seattle sort of friend group that Meredith didn't know about.

But then, Meredith has grown used to not knowing things about Derek Shepherd's past life or lives in New York because she's gotten used to the fact that he had once hidden a whole _WIFE_ from her when he first moved to this city. And he'd actually taken his wedding ring off so Meredith didn't know for weeks until she was his girlfriend for the first time, about _HER_.

The _HER_ who is now sitting silent and trying to clear her throat but it isn’t working so Meredith looks up at her and asks if she wants some water or something. But Addison says to her 'no' and Meredith doesn't know if this is because she doesn't want to bother her or bother to get up or make Meredith get up _for_ her because she knows that she _will_ for her.

And that's why she's different than Derek and different than one might expect for someone's ex-wife and now loner to be. Because she's the kind of person who knows that Meredith _will_ get up to get a glass of water for her but she doesn't want to _make_ someone do that for her so she'd say 'no' to the water, instead, so that she doesn't feel like she's asking for favors.

* * *

4

Derek, by contrast, would have just said yes to that simple request. Meredith knows it. Addison knows it. And both of them have the awareness that their mutual _someone_ would have just said yes to the water and if it had been Derek instead of Addison then Meredith would already have gotten up to go find a glass or a water bottle or a fountain by now. And then Meredith does get up, rather reluctantly.

Not reluctantly because she doesn't want to help comfort Addison, but on the contrary; Meredith doesn't want to let go of Addison's hand, or take her other arm from around her shoulders, or take her head out from the tender crook of Addison's neck. But she does, anyway, eventually. Because Addison does need some water and she wasn't going to get it herself and so Meredith was going to get it _for her..._

Not in a patronizing "drink this or else" kind of way, just in a way that she gets herself a glass of water, too, so Addison wouldn't feel like Meredith got up only for her; that she is getting something out of this too, or sort-of. It could be a microcosm of this entire exchange - that Meredith hugged Addison because Addison needed comfort but that Meredith did, also, in return.

And Meredith knew that by showing she needed her, too, that Addison would feel less guilty about letting herself be helped by her ex-husband's ex-mistress but not-so-ex-girlfriend. And that would make Addison at least not feel _worse_ than she already felt from being so lost and alone in a resident's lounge of a hospital she once worked at but had never been a student at, ever.

"Thanks," Addison says to her, testing her voice with something simple to see if it would break right away. It did, sort of, Meredith tried not to wince at the break. But it was a subtle enough break and a subtle enough wince that Meredith could pretend she didn't hear the break and didn't wince at actually hearing the break and actually nodding at Addison's gratitude.

"You're welcome," Meredith says back to Addison, testing her own voice for breaks. And she's surprised that she's said a phrase that long without any. But she's grateful she's managed because Addison's managed to stop staring off into the distance at nothing now, and now she's doing nothing other than staring at Meredith. And Meredith is kinda freaking out about that.

* * *

5

"You do this for Derek a lot," Addison says in a statement. As if she were reciting a scientific journal of fact. "Umm," Meredith shrugs because she's not super sure what the 'this' in that sentence is the one she's referring to. Did she mean to bring him water? Because she did that before bed and she sort of wonders if Addison ever did that for him, ever, or a lot.

Or if she's referring to the hand-holding thing or the arm-around-the-shoulder-sort-of-thing or head-tucked-into-her-neck-sort-of thing, all of which she does for Derek 'a lot' also... But not nearly as much as she does the 'get Derek water' sort of thing, because that happens almost every night like clockwork at bedtime. And it's the same thing because she gets a glass for herself, too.

I mean, they could sort of _share_ if they thought about it because they kissed and did _stuff_ so if they were trying to protect their immune systems they didn't really need to have separate glasses for it to make a huge difference in who gets the flu or not. But Meredith doesn't want to just _share_ a water glass with her _Derek_ , because then it would seem like they were the same _person_.

And Meredith didn't want to be considered the same _person_ as _Derek_ because she is _Meredith_ and no one ever called _him_ the 'Mr. Meredith Grey'. But if they were to get married people would call _her_ "Mrs. Shepherd" and idly, Meredith wonders if this ever bothered Addison at all, before. She'd added his name to hers at some point, so maybe she liked it. Or maybe she didn't…?

Meredith didn't know, and she did _want_ to know, sort of, from Addison, if she minded or liked or didn't care that people used to call her "Addison Shepherd" as if she were almost another piece of Derek Shepherd's expanding existence. But she wouldn't ask her right then, because if she did ask Addison, then, that, then she would be basically outright admitting she'd been thinking about that.

And that would be basically admitting she had a reason to think about that. Which would be basically admitting she was thinking about herself in relation to that. Which would be basically admitting to her current boyfriend's ex-wife that she was thinking about what HER name would sound like with his. And then she might accidentally blurt out "I DON'T WANNA BE MEREDITH SHEPHERD!"

* * *

6

And that's not the kind of thing she wanted to blurt out to somebody who is not Derek before she eventually has to blurt all that out directly to Derek. And that's not the kind of thing she looked forward to saying and she sort of did want to say it to Addison, first, at least, as a sort of test-run or practice or rehearsal. Addison would understand, right? She'd divorced Derek. She'd said it.

Addison had to sign a bunch of stuff at some point to let Derek and the world know she no longer wanted to share a name with her McBastard of an ex-boy who always seemed to be in perpetual limbo about which of his women he wanted at which point in time. He always said he 'likes the chase' but somehow Meredith thinks it might have been more about that he likes the power. _Arrogant asshole._

And Meredith watches, as Addison is sipping her water so slowly now. She's sipping it gratefully because she's trying to make her voice not break as much as the first time she spoke after crying. But she's not drinking it fast because she is trying to savor it. Not in a way like she'll never see water again. But in a way that she knows she'll run out eventually, sometime.

And she doesn't want to run out right away because she doesn't want to move, and more than not wanting to move, she doesn't want to make Meredith move again. And Meredith can feel this in the way that Addison is now leaning into her. She's not leaning her head onto Meredith's shoulder, because again, she's just way too _tall_ for that to work out. So she just leans in.

She feels the tender warmth of Meredith's hips and her sides and her shoulders pressed parallel into hers. And eventually, she asks Meredith her question again, which Meredith had almost forgotten about getting around to answering, eventually. "You do this for Derek, a lot?" This time she punctuates it with a question mark in her tone, making it clear that she actually wants an answer.

And Meredith doesn't know what to answer, so she sort of nods sadly up at Addison then, and Addison nods at her back. And Meredith knows, somewhere, somehow, that Addison understands. She'd understands the half-nod, and understands her non-answer to Addison's question. And then, Addison sighs at Meredith with a sad sort of smile. And then, she says 'thank-you' to Meredith all over again. But this time Addison is not thanking Meredith for the water for _her_ ; she's thanking Meredith for _all_ of the waters, for _Derek_.

**And Meredith understands _her_. She understands Addison, _somehow, now_. Meredith understands Addison, _somehow._.. **

**_Meredith Grey_ understands _Addison Montgomery_ completely, somehow, now. **

**_Much better than she should, perhaps._ **

* * *

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******* END OF CHAPTER TWO**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Whoa, well there's part two already.

This is going to be about the length of the chapters.

Evidentally this is going to be a slower burn than I thought.

Because I always want to write one-shot,

But then I'm a sucker for _feelings_ and _plot_.

Hope you'll let me know if you like this,

 _bobbiejelly_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lemme know if you want more of this.


	3. More than an Answer, but Less than a Question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which Meredith wants to ask Addison for something, but she doesn't want to owe favors.

_Author's Note:_

Here's to another.

Cheers!

Can't wait to see you in the comments!

 _bobbiejelly_.

** THIS CHAPTER WAS ORIGINALLY POSTED, IN ERROR, AS CHAPTER 36 OF 'FALLING APART, BARELY BREATHING'. 

APOLOGIES FOR THE CONFUSION. NOW IT LIVES HERE; WHERE IT BELONGS.

NEW CHAPTER OF FABB # 36 WILL COME LATER IN ITS CORRECT SPOT!

* * *

**Soothe**

* * *

_In Which Meredith teaches Addison how to self-soothe._

_Before Meredith married Derek, and After she'd almost told Addison she liked her._

_F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. GA/PP Fanfiction._

_Set during GA - "Before After/An Honest Mistake & PP - Acceptance/Ex-Life. Rated M._

_Inspired by "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by Illegal Kittens, "Blame Game" by LordOfLezzies, and "All We Ever Are We Are" by SilverStarsAndMoons._

* * *

**Chapter 3: More than an Answer, but Less than a Question**

* * *

_In Which Meredith wants to ask Addison for something, but she doesn't want to owe favors._

* * *

1

Meredith understands Addison better than she should, perhaps. At face value, the two women have hardly anything in common with each other other than their mutual sleeping with _Derek_. Derek had even once said to one of them, bitterly, that Meredith was the 'Anti-Addison'. Or maybe that had been one of them to say to _HIM._ Neither of them was sure anymore.

And Derek would sure as hell never tell them. Or probably even remember the exchange. Meredith realized that Derek focused more on what was so similar between them, rather than what was apart. Both of them were attractive, for starters. And neither of them could blame him for selecting someone physically stunning. Though neither of them would ever admit that, either.

Meredith understands that Addison has similar broken pieces inside of her, or at least she had had them when she had been with him. Or maybe she'd had them before him and so did Meredith and that's how they ended up wanting him; craving him. Craving the person who craved getting the best out of both of them at the same time, without having to decide at all.

Something was clearly in mechanical failure in both of their brains or something because they had let him lead them both on and lead them into the fire. Without leading either of them out without getting burned. This analogy is obviously ironic to Meredith as she even imagines it, because Derek is, of course, a _brain surgeon_ so you'd think that he'd fix them up or something.

But 'Derek is a fixer' might have been the problem with all of this in the first place. Derek liked to be the hero. He liked to be the person to say 'it's a beautiful day to save lives' as if the sun rose and set to his pace as he saved all of his patients. Mostly. Because he didn't save _all of them._ No one did, and Derek didn't either. But neither did Meredith or even Addison, either.

And now Derek was attempting one of his more ambitious plans yet, the one that would either save Addison's brother or leave him to die on his table, or even worse yet, make it off of his table to live out a short remainder of his life which he might spend in unbearable pain and even also in agony. And need Addison to take care of him while in said pain and agony.

* * *

2

And then Meredith wouldn't even really be supposed to be around comforting Addison then, at all. Because she would have to be around comforting _Derek_ because he's her boyfriend I guess for the moment and he probably wants to be more with her sooner rather than later. _Meredith hadn't meant to find it._ But she did. She found his mother's ring. In his suit pants pocket.

In the same damn pocket that Meredith sort of vaguely knew that once upon a time, that Addison had also found something incriminating in those very pants. But instead of it being a former possession of his mother's, it had been a former possession of _Meredith's_. Addison had once found Meredith's lace black panties in that pants pocket of Derek's.

The same panties that she'd washed and ironed and folded because Addison is apparently the type of person who actually _folds_ underwear instead of just leaving it in a pile at the bottom of the underwear/sock combination drawer as most people do. Or at least, like most people meaning the people Meredith lived with at some point, do. Which was like 6ish people, but still.

Either way, unless this surgery was a perfect success, Meredith would have to be walking away holding onto 'her guy's shoulders while Addison walked away with no one holding her shoulders. And Meredith doesn't want to think about the implication her thoughts just jumped to then. Thoughts that she'd been squishing down at the bottom of her subconscious for so long.

Thoughts of how she'd long ago wanted to _rescue_ Addison Forbes Montgomery from the crushing grip of the guy she once dated. How she wanted to say to her, 'you know if you just walk away from him now that I'm here, you'll have a better life than the one with him in it and you can hate me now anyway so you won't have to feel bad for me you can just hate me'.

Thoughts about how she'd wanted to tell Addison to move on, but move away from Derek and Mark and Alex all entirely. Thoughts about how she'd wanted to announce in a non-threatening sort of way that she was sort of bisexual, and she had no idea on earth if women were at all Addison's thing, or if the had once been, or could be in the future. _Were they?_ _No idea._

* * *

3

Meredith had thought she had left him for good on the day that Cristina left Burke all for good. Or Burke also fled the state and abandoned her at the altar so he sort of left her. It was sort of unclear… Either way on that day, Meredith had left him. And she had told him "it's over, it's _so_ over". And Derek hadn't even believed her. He just smirked as if he knew she'd crawl back.

And Meredith did. Eventually, Meredith did. And Addison left. Eventually, Addison left. Addison left for this whole fancy new life in LA with all of her best friends and colleagues and probably hot, hotshot doctors there. Both men and women, people, really, in general. Anything and anyone that Addison could ever imagine herself wanting. They probably _all_ wanted _her._

And it was not lost on Meredith Grey that the last time that Addison had been here in Seattle that she'd basically predicted Callie Torres's 'Gay Awakening' and told her she thought that the 'speaking the vagina monologues' was _fantastic_ and that she was _all for it_ and asked if Callie _was._

And Meredith had heard all this story secondhand through Cristina so it's possible she's getting some of the details fucked up. But she knows Cristina wouldn't lie to her about all that good gossip, so she likes to believe that it could plausibly be _true_. That Addison could be a beacon for exceptional gaydar, because she, herself, was, or IS, more than a little bit Capital-G-Gay. Or Bi.

But that was probably too much to hope for. And Meredith would never want to start hoping that Addison would want _her_ as a _something_ because she is STILL her ex-husband's ex-then-not-ex- _something_ and so she's not even single right now. Even if she tries not to admit to herself that she totally would make herself single if that would make Addison _interested_ in _her._

And these thoughts are just way too dangerous to be entertaining while actually _being around Addison_ so Meredith tries to clear her own throat now and ends up coughing in a sort of a fit because she can't seem to clear her throat hard enough to clear the incriminating thoughts from her head. _Fuck_ , Meredith thinks. It's time to get it together, think of Addison, now and not you.

* * *

4

"What do you think of the plan?" Meredith asks Addison this simple question as she waits for her answer now. They're outside of Archer's room now, no longer curled up in the resident's lounge. Meredith sort of wishes they were still in the resident's lounge. Or more, she wishes she could still be cuddled up with Addison again, but she realizes that's a selfish thing to think.

"I hope that he pulls it off Meredith, for your sake, and mine," Addison says to her simply. And Meredith's eyes practically jump out of her eyeballs at Addison's admission. "What?!" Meredith exclaims at her, having expected to hear anything but _that_ fall from Addison's thin lips just then. "I know him. You know him. He'd be a mess if he messed this one up. And I live in LA," Addison says.

And Meredith's brow furrows at the fact that Addison basically just implied that she would help her take care of Derek if she still lived in Seattle. And this makes Meredith even more confused because the way she'd implied it was sort of like saying she'd be around more for _Meredith's Benefit_ rather than for her very own _ex-husband's recovery_. "You live in LA, now," Meredith says.

It's not really an answer or another question. It should be a mere statement of fact that they already knew. But it prompted something in Addison that was _more_ than an answer, but something _less_ than a question. It prompted a nod that was _more_ than a 'yes I'd help you make sure Derek doesn't drown himself in scotch every day', but something _less_ than 'do you want me to stay in Seattle for a few days just in case?'

And Meredith doesn't want to answer the question that Addison hadn't even _actually_ asked her. Because she's scared she'll say 'yes' even if she feels she really should be saying 'no'. Because she shouldn't be burdening the ex-wife with the ex-husband despite the irony of the situation that that is in fact, exactly the opposite of what Addison did (with good reason) when she asked Derek for help for as a surgeon.

When Addison asked Derek for help it was more than 'you're a great surgeon can you help out my brother'. There were more invisible strings and obligations attached to it than just another case file at work. But there was less than a 'honey be a miracle worker,' not that Meredith could imagine Addison saying 'honey', even to Derek, once upon an _ever in her own lifetime._

* * *

5

So they're standing out in the hall now. And Meredith's sort of staring at Addison, not sure what to say or ask or do for her. She has the instinct to buy her a hot chocolate again. But then she thinks back to her earlier rationale for not providing such a thing and although she's not superstitious, she thinks that maybe Addison is. Derek is, extremely, actually. _Superstitious._

Derek physically cannot start surgery without saying 'it's a beautiful day to save lives'. Even Addison knew this, and maybe she felt it too. That's why, when eventually they are no longer in the hall but in the gallery watching the surgery, that's why Addison presses herself up against the window, and she says to him 'say it, say it, say it,' and she can't relax at all until he does.

And then Addison starts watching, and Meredith is sort of watching Addison watching Derek. And it could have been its own cartoon of an image; Meredith sort of watching Addison watching Derek. And how many times had she been doing this in a whole other context? But this time is unlike then because Derek repeated to Meredith the whole 'tiny box speech'.

And Meredith, bitterly, thinks that this is Addison's equivalent of being the anti-Meredith. This is the physical equivalent at the opposite of Meredith's 'pick me, choose me, love me,' speech. This is a more like a 'don't pick me, don't choose me, stop fucking loving me,' speech that should have relived Meredith because Derek repeating it to her means she doesn't have to fight her.

But then, she realizes she never really wanted to fight her at all, not for him. Or maybe she did in the beginning because all the competition had fueled her. But now, she had him exactly where she should want him. Except for - she sort of _doesn't_ want him. And now she might get him. And now Addison wouldn't get him back ever and is super fine with that fact.

And that means that if this surgery is super successful, that Addison will be gone in a day or two and Meredith will probably never see her again because barring something, again, 'really _really_ BAD happening', there will be no reason, whatsoever, for Addison to visit this city. To see her friends she didn't really have anymore. Or her ex-husband or ex-hookups. Or Meredith Grey.

* * *

6

Meredith Grey would become part of her ex-life, just like all of the others. She'd be cast aside in Addison's memory as she walked on the beach and got to be all Zen and Gandhi and all of those other things Addison said to her last time she left and had a plane to catch and Meredith wanted to catch _her_ on the sleeve. But she didn't. She never said anything else. Or stopped her.

So Addison had gone and she'd only come back for Archer and Naomi and somehow Sam is still here recovering in a patient room on the surgical floor because Addison could sweet talk her way into anything she wanted in this hospital, especially around Richard Webber, which is a skill that Meredith Grey seriously admired because _she_ did not have that skill in the least bit.

And who knows who would comfort Addison Forbes Montgomery, then. Who would hold her hand and lay their head on her shoulder and wrap their arms around her neck and hug them and tell her that it was all gonna be okay? Who would tell her that she is still worth worrying over? Who would tell her when she went back to LA and away from Seattle? Away…

Meredith thinks she sort of wants to chase her so she can keep telling Addison all these bittersweet nothings. She sort of wants to hold her close and keep her warm and watch television with her while Addison is actually reading a novel or something. But either way, Meredith wants to chase her, despite having her _Derek_ or whatever. She's such a _whore._

Meredith thinks she's such a whore as she does the very thing that she and Addison used to criticize their mutual ex over. She wants to keep a piece of both of them without having to decide. And I guess the only thing that's different is that Addison might not even be interested in her, or at least not at all _interested_ in her in a way that would mean she would _actually have to not date Derek to be with her._

To not date Derek anymore - And to hold Addison the way she's secretly always wanted to since she met her in the lobby of this very hospital, ironically called Seattle 'Grace'. But if she can't hold her like she wants to - an unlikely fantasy to ever come true anyhow - Meredith, at the very least, wants to keep Addison as _more_ than her 'we despise Derek sometimes' counterpart. She wants… Friendship? Kinship? **Something**. _At the very least._

* * *

*****

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******* END OF CHAPTER THREE**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Well, here's Meredith's internal monologue as she struggles to watch Addison watching Derek.

Story of her life, really. But long ago someone on here said to me they like 'hypotenuse shipping', where the two points of a love triangle that normally are at rival with each other with the third point actually get together.

And that's pretty much the story of MerAdd's life. So we'll see where this thing goes.

And BTW, this might be a messed up timeline for the whole "Second Chances"-"Beat Your Heart Out" - "Acceptance"-"Before And After"-"Ex-Life"-"An Honest Mistake"- Timeline.

Some of these things like Sam's asthma and the surgery and where Meredith is through all this might be a bit OOC, but alas, I guess that's part of the fiction part of this fanfiction.

Let me know what you think, hoping to have more dialogue in the next one, as well as more interaction and canon divergence.

 _bobbiejelly_.


	4. His Office

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which Addison needs alcohol, and Meredith helps her to find it.

_Author's Note:_

_Here's where the canon divergences come in._

_Hope you enjoy the quick turnaround on this one._

_And the alcohol._

_For naylorholby on Wattpad-_

Who has been talking with me all day and wanted this chapter :D

 _bobbiejelly_.

* * *

**Soothe**

* * *

_I_ _n Which Meredith teaches Addison how to self-soothe._

_Before Meredith married Derek, and After she'd almost told Addison she liked her._

_F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. GA/PP Fanfiction._

_Set during GA - "Before After/An Honest Mistake & PP - Acceptance/Ex-Life. Rated M._

_Inspired by "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by Illegal Kittens, "Blame Game" by LordOfLezzies, and "All We Ever Are We Are" by SilverStarsAndMoons._

* * *

**Chapter 4: His Office**

* * *

_In Which Addison needs alcohol, and Meredith helps her to find it._

* * *

1

"I wish that I could do something for him," Addison now says to Meredith. Eventually, after a long and twisty debate, Meredith decided to go sit next to Addison in the gallery after Callie had to leave to check on a patient. She ignored all the jeering from Mark and just sat down there, close to Addison but not touching her, and not holding her hand like she wanted to.

And Addison enjoyed the company long enough to feel soothed by it so she leaned in a bit closer, to say that to her. "I know," Meredith sighs back at Addison, looking up at her so Addison could see in her big baby blue eyes how much she really _really_ meant it. Derek is taking out the second or third-or-so cyst and Addison is clenching her nails into her palms. It looks painful.

And the sadistic part of Meredith wants to hold out her hand so Addison could squeeze HER palms with her nails. Just so she could feel that physical pipeline of Addison's emotional pain in real life, real-time in full special effects. But of course, they are in the gallery now, and Derek could look up at either one of them. So of course, there's no way to hold her hand. _Meredith doesn't._

Instead, Meredith just wills Addison telepathically to hold on, to have hope, to give strength. Meredith realizes that telepathy is not an actual method of communication between human beings but she tries it anyway because, at the very least, it's not actually _incriminating_ in any way, either. That is, because the point of telepathy in itself, is that it doesn't actually exist.

What does exist though, are the bags under Addison's eyes and the wariness in her posture. She's worn down even though her outfit looks brand new and she's wearing enough makeup she'd be able to fake it for a camera. But she can't fake it enough for Meredith not to notice it from right up beside her. She can't hide from the Grey girl who can see every inch of no sleep.

"You can rest, if you want," Meredith asks in an open-ended way. She doesn't specify because she has no suggestions for just how to offer her this. She'd do anything to touch her, to reach out, to stroke her hair. But she won't, even if it looks like it might help a whole lot. "I'm okay," Addison lies to her, but in a way, she knows she's not even trying at all to deceive Meredith.

* * *

2

"What do you do?" Addison asks Meredith idly, and Meredith can't figure out what is the question she's supposed to be answering so she gives Addison a sort of questioning gesture, motioning for her to go on and give her more of a hint. "What helps you take all the pain away?" She asks. And Meredith could have died laughing at Addison asking HER for coping strategies."

"Well, I'm not a good example of good ideas," Meredith looks up at her with a raised eyebrow. She's not trying to sound patronizing or smug about it. She's just surprised that Addison hadn't noticed by now she's not the beacon for 'healthy ways to relieve stress in productive outlets' as of late. "What are your bad ideas, then?" Addison shrugs as if she wants _any answer at all._

"Usually alcohol, tequila specifically," Meredith offers rather bluntly. She's a bit put-out that Addison didn't already know this about her because she knew that Addison drank Derek's scotch but preferred her red wine when she was alone and out without him. "I'm more of a red-wine-person, myself" Addison says to her, mirroring Meredith's thoughts, exactly.

"I don't have any, but if you brought some into the gallery, then I wouldn't tell," Meredith offers to Addison because she doesn't have anything else she can offer now. "Do you know where Derek's desk keys are?" Addison asks her. And this makes Addison go red in the face because she knows _exactly_ what she is implying to Meredith. And at the same time, asking of her.

"I'll get his coat," Meredith offers without any hesitation. _Her brother might be DYING. Yeah, but you just want to do this for Addison, anyhow._ Meredith returns, desk keys in hand, and Addison doesn't ask her how she got them or where they were. She doesn't want to know, and she doesn't want Meredith to tell her. At least this way they could pretend it didn't actually happen.

Addison finds the familiar bottle without any hitches or any searching at all. Turns out things must never change with Derek, Meredith frowns to herself. He had a new woman (her) and his scotch is still in the same damn place it always had been. Probably the condoms were, too. But she doesn't ask Addison if she knows that because there's no polite way to ask that question.

* * *

3

Meredith turns out to be a cheaper drunk than Addison, _on_ _Derek's Scotch, that is._ She swears she'd be stumbling less if she'd been drinking tequila, and somehow the look on Addison's face makes it seem like she doubts that. But either way, they're both a little tipsy so they're both a little more relaxed. And apparently, drunk Addison is more tactile than stone-cold-sober Addison.

Meredith finds this out when Addison starts reaching for her. Not in a lewd way. Not in a rude way. Not in a sexual way at all, just in a platonic sort of friendly way that Addison always was around her regular friends. Maybe the alcohol is just making her believe that Meredith is one of her regular friends right now, or at the very least a replacement for one of them, for tonight.

Addison reaches out lamely for Meredith to come to sit down next to her on Derek Shepherd's couch. At first, they sit apart even though Meredith wants to sit closer together. And Addison does, too. They've taken a break from the surgery because Addison's said "there are eight cysts, we've seen like three at least and there's more and he should focus on them and not us.

And Meredith can't argue with that logic, nor the temptation that Addison is welcoming her into her arms yet again. So Meredith sits next to Addison on Derek's couch, and she waits for Addison to wrap her arms around Meredith and squeeze her so she can feel something around her. And Meredith whimpers at how nice it feels. And she just lets herself be soothed there.

 _Just for a minute_ , Meredith thinks to herself. Just because it seems to be helping Addison. Because she's supposed to be comforted, not YOU. And it just feels so safe and homey that Meredith closes her eyes for a second. And she's asleep before long. And so is Addison. And that's all that happens. And when they wake up they feel better but still a bit drunk.

And Meredith's pager says they're only on cyst 5 now anyway so they don't have to rush. So Meredith sits back into Addison's arms as Addison tells her every story she can remember about her big brother. And Meredith laughs and comments and frowns and rages at all the places she is supposed to. And she rationalizes in her mind she can't consider this bad.

* * *

4

Meredith can feel Addison stroking her hair and she doesn't want Addison to ever, ever stop. She wants Addison to keep going because she's so much softer than Derek. Derek is a boy who has such nice hair so he's used to everyone stroking it for him and not used to stroking other people's hair. Meredith realizes this and turns around to ask Addison if they should switch.

She actually says it more like "here, switch," because she knows Addison won't let her if she thinks it's because Meredith is feeling sorry for her. She knows Addison won't let her help out of pity so she tries to sound as determined as possible so Addison might think she just wants to do this as - what? As some sort of experiment? Switching seats out of boredom? No clue.

Either way, Addison lets her switch places and Meredith begins her journey through Addison's fine hair. She braids and unbraids it softly in every which way. And Addison falls asleep again on Meredith's lap and Meredith doesn't mind one little bit. She just keeps braiding and unbraiding Addison's red, red hair. And she looks at her sad, sad eyes, and she wonders about a lot.

She wonders if she would ever feel this way about Lexie. Would she ever cry and be hard to console if her half-sister were ever to be in a near-death _whatever_ with her? Would she go to hell because she doesn't immediately answer a firm 'yes' to that question because she's still mad at her mom and her dad for not letting them all be a family mixed together or something?

Meredith wishes she cared for her family the way that Addison cared for her Archer. _Archie_. That rhymes with _Lexie._ Right. Meredith really likes seeing Addison care so much about her brother. And she runs her fingers over Addison's temples to soothe out the knots because she sees what worrying over him is doing to her and she wants to do _something._ For her, at least.

She's glad Addison is humming quietly to herself because Meredith has no idea what she would say to Addison if Addison asked her about her sister who she met just a while ago. Or the other sister who Addison delivered her baby and her name is Molly and Meredith had almost forgotten about Molly Grey because she moved away anyhow and her husband was a soldier in the army.

* * *

5

Once Meredith gets paged they're at six cysts, Addison is still drunkenly unconscious so Meredith doesn't wake her or tell her or anything, just tucks her head into the crook of Addison's neck again and closes her eyes, setting her pager to LOUD so that they'll be woken up once Derek eventually gets to seven or eight of the cysts. Somehow Meredith thinks that's important.

All of this middle stuff they could sneak away for. Meredith is kicking herself at how much she likes the idea of sneaking away with Addison. Meredith also realizes this is rather odd to think when she should be planning her next escapade with her boyfriend after his surgery but instead she's wondering how long he can take so she can keep cuddling with his ex-wife in his office.

Oops. Probably not something one might want to announce as Derek is probably planning some heartfelt proposal. Meredith had meant to ask Addison if she thought rose petals sounded more like a Mark or a Derek idea. That's how Meredith had figured out she should start looking around for more something or other because she found a red rose petal under the pillow.

But just one, so clearly there had been some plan that had to be canceled or postponed or aborted. Maybe Derek was having 'cold feet' about the engagement as well. Meredith wonders if this is anything to do with Addison being around. She realizes it's probably everything to do with having Addison around, but of course not for the same reasons that Meredith is having.

The feelings having to do with how Addison is cooing in her sleep and the murmurs are so sweet and unlike the powerful 'take charge work woman' Addison that Meredith was so used to seeing around every day at the hospital she wanted to just see how she sounded when Meredith started stroking her hair again. Another sigh, another whimper. A whimper. A sigh.

Meredith sighs as she checks her pager and they're on the seventh cyst now. Meredith knows she really should wake Addison once they finish the seventh because Addison will never forgive anyone if she misses the eighth. The eighth and final now or never do or die moment is so important in everything. It's the Before and After moment. The moment where everything is either completely better or totally worse.

* * *

6

They've finished the seventh cyst, now. So Meredith begrudgingly wakes up Addison with a gentle nudge of her palm over Addison's shoulders. She tucks a hair off her face and tells her it's time to go before everyone notices they're gone. Addison seals back the liquor in the spot for the scotch. She doesn't bother mentioning for Meredith to refill it because Derek wouldn't know.

This time it's Addison who goes to get them each a glass of water to down before they get sick off the scotch in their weary bodies and in their empty stomachs. Addison sweet-talks Webber and Bailey to let them know Meredith shouldn't be on-call that evening anymore. She doesn't even say it's because she'd been drinking. They just do it for Addison, because she is Addison.

As they watch Derek reach in with the 'doomsday sucker' Meredith realizes that it's actually her sister, Lexie, who had gotten to hold it for a while. Lexie is looking so damn proud of herself Meredith can't help but smile at her. And Lexie is smiling up at Mark Sloan now, and both Meredith and Addison pretend not to see this. They both don't talk about it. They just don't.

Addison reaches over for Meredith's _something_ as Derek reaches in for the final removal. Meredith offers her wrist for Addison to dig her nails into, and she's glad that Addison has sunk her nails in high enough on her arm that she will only have to wear a three-quarter-length top from now on for a week to make sure no one thinks that she is a 'secret cutter' or something.

When Archer is in recovery, they won't know for a while but Addison stays at his bedside. Naomi stays at his bedside. Sam stays at Naomi's side. And Meredith is about to go away now before Addison asks her to stay. She mumbles something about a 'thank-you' and Meredith interprets this about the alcohol and the key-stealing and the water from earlier. She doesn't think it's more.

She can't let herself think it's anything else. Mark hits the floor saying he loves Lexie and Derek hits the floor next and Owen separates them. Alex says to Addison that Derek is 'her guy now', who tries to run after them both. Meredith looks over her shoulder at Addison to say 'I'm sorry' to her as she walks away with him, and holds _their_ Derek's shoulder, just like she said she would; as she's supposed to.

* * *

*****

*****

*****

*****

*****

******* END OF CHAPTER FOUR**

* * *

_Author's Note:_

Hope you enjoyed the MerAdd drunken fluff and angst!

Leave a note, it will make my day!

"Falling Apart, Barely Breathing", Chapter 36 is to be written next, I promise, but it might be a bit late.

Much love,

 _bobbiejelly_.


	5. Where We Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which Derek has some of his bruises, but Meredith and Addison each have much deeper scars.

_Author's Note:_

For EmyLilas, (Ao3, mostly) who leaves some very insightful comments I woke up to this morning and who helped me further understand the material that is at hand.

 _bobbiejelly_.

* * *

**Soothe**

* * *

_In Which Meredith teaches Addison how to self-soothe._

_Before Meredith married Derek, and After she'd almost told Addison she liked her._

_F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. GA/PP Fanfiction._

_Set during GA - "Before After/An Honest Mistake & PP - Acceptance/Ex-Life. Rated M._

_Inspired by "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by Illegal Kittens, "Blame Game" by LordOfLezzies, and "All We Ever Are We Are" by SilverStarsAndMoons._

* * *

**Chapter 5: Where We Are**

* * *

_In Which Derek has some of his bruises, but Meredith and Addison each have much deeper scars._

* * *

1

"Are you okay?" Addison Montgomery walks into the exam room where Meredith Grey is tending to Derek Shepherd's bruised-up hand. "Yeah, I'm okay, thanks Addie," Derek says to Addison without an ounce of hesitation. Addison frowns a bit at being called her old nickname by him, but she says to him "good," all the same. She looks at Meredith now, only with her eyes.

She's looking at her because Meredith can tell that she is actually asking HER the same question she just asked her ex-husband. Meredith tries not to imagine that Addison had come into this room only to ask her that, or only to ask her that _first_ , or only to ask her that implicitly, or at least _additionally_ to dutifully asking her ex-husband that same question "are you okay?"

Addison asking Meredith this only with her eyes, because Meredith knows that she can't ask her out loud in front of their _Derek_ , and she can't ask her with the turn of the head because then Derek would see, and then Derek would know, and then Derek would realize they're still 'friends or at least not old enemies like they were supposed to be because of _him'_ , of course…

And Meredith takes a second to think of her answer because she really doesn't feel super 'okay', but she knows that it's also insane that Addison is asking both her ex-husband and ex-Derek-bashing-confidant this very question as she waits to see if her brother is _gorked_ or is just _great_ as when he wakes up in the ICU ward. And the gesture is _so very Addison_ it's uncanny...

So Meredith eventually snaps out of her inner debate and starts nodding to her, nodding imperceptibly slowly behind Derek's shoulder as she checks out his rotator cuff for more injuries. She nods as if she's nodding to say that Derek's shoulder is fine, but she knows better and Addison knows her better than that to know that she's also addressing Addison's not-question.

And she knows that Addison doesn't fully believe her not-answer to her not-question because she only responds to her "are you sure?" but out loud and pointing to Derek's shoulder with her whole hand but simultaneously squinting and arching her eyebrow at Meredith to let her know that she's not actually questioning her medical judgment, just her well-being, and so-called- _fine_.

* * *

2

"She's good," Derek answers _for_ Meredith Grey now, which makes Meredith angry at him for overriding her answer that she realizes she never did provide Addison or Derek actually out loud, at all, yet. He's answering in a way that he's also referring to his own judgment of character as a comparison of Meredith to Addison in addition to praising her medical skills.

Meredith frowns at this, which should be absurd because she should be delighted by the fact that a world-class-neurosurgeon just told her 'she's good' in reference to what he believes the subject only is, which is Meredith's ability to determine whether or not his shoulder is dislocated or broken. She should be delighted that her now-boyfriend is praising her in front of his ex-wife.

But Meredith isn't delighted. She's angry and she's sort of pissed-off that Derek didn't even let her get a word in edgewise to Addison before he interrupted her long trail of thought. And she's annoyed because she knows and Addison knows that that's not really the question that Addison was actually asking her, but that Derek's response seems to answer that also - FOR Meredith.

"I'm actually...sure...good...thanks," says Meredith lamely as she tries to answer all of Addison's explicit and implicit questions at once with an affirmative answer. But her inclusion of so many words but no actual 'yes' and all of that stuttering and much hesitation sends mixed messages to Addison that she's _not_ sure, that she's _not_ good, and she's not _actually_ fine, at all.

"Here, let me help," Addison saunters confidently in the exam room now, over to the side of Derek that Meredith Grey is currently also occupying. She walks in close proximity to Meredith, making Meredith's breath catch a bit as Addison lays a hand on her shoulder, and keeps it there hot and warm for a second, as she then uses it to gesture to Meredith to 'tag out' and step back.

Addison goes through the motions of checking Derek Shepherd's shoulder out for internal or external injuries, but she's half-heartedly doing this because she never actually doubted Meredith's initial medical assessment at all. She's doing this so she can be closer to Meredith, rather than closer to Derek again. And Meredith sees through this even though Derek doesn't.

Meredith can see that Derek looks delighted that women from his present and also his past are once again all in the same room with him, fawning over his shoulder and caring for him and touching him, in a medical way but still _there for him_ , or so he thinks, anyhow. And Derek grins a bit and the smugness is infuriating for both women, but it's Addison who snaps at him to 'stop grinning.'

* * *

3

"Stop it, Derek. You deserve every punch Mark threw. There's no need to be upset that Mark is seeing Lexie Grey, he is your friend and Lexie is Meredith's sister, and you don't see Meredith throwing punches at Mark or Lexie, now do you, Derek?" Addison lectures. The familiarity of her stern voice stirs something submissive in Derek, who looks down and whimpers and nods.

And Meredith is impressed at her success with Derek because _she's_ never been able to make Derek cower, even after she's yelled his name over and over and he's finally ended up not talking over her. But all those times that she's yelled she's had nothing prepared after, so he's just gone on to say something smug and McSomthing and that's always just been the end of it.

But clearly Addison's had over 11 years of practice at some point in getting Derek to listen, and she sort of flicks her eyes over to Meredith, helpfully, as if to say to her 'watch and learn this, because you might need this someday and probably sooner, rather than later, if I'm guessing myself,'. And at least Meredith keeps _herself_ from grinning too widely, at Addison's eye contact.

Meredith really wants to say more than this, but she just says 'thank-you' to Addison, as if to thank her for her 'double-board-certified-neonatal-and-fetal-surgeon-and-OBGYN-and-genetics-researcher' medical opinion on the male Derek Shepherd's shoulder, which should probably _not_ make all that much sense to someone, somewhere.

But Addison takes it, understanding that Meredith is actually thanking her for her demonstration of 'how to tame Derek 101'. And she nods at the both of them with a bit of a sad smile to show that she actually still does care for both of them, in some sort of away. That there's at least some little piece of her that wants Derek's hands to work, and for Derek to listen to Meredith.

Meredith lamely wants to ask Addison to stay with them for a little while longer, just so she can hang out with her some more, even if it has to be some sort of not-threesome-but-three-of-them-in-a-room-together kind of a package deal like the kind where you have to buy all the parts to a happy meal at once, even if all you want is the nuggets and a dessert on the side and not all the french fries. She doesn't ask, though. Yet, _Addison stays._

* * *

4

The comparison is somehow uncanny, and Meredith groans at herself inwardly for thinking of something so _literal_. She tries not to laugh out loud as she imagines going into McDonald's and telling them something like 'I'd like to order a combo with only a Ms. McDreamy but without the Mr. McDreamy and no McSteamy, either, not even as a sauce on the side, please and thank you'.

She really shouldn't be thinking about such things as… Her appetite(s)... As she sort of fake examined Derek's shoulder from behind him now because Addison is on the side of him and if any of them were being petty they could have thrown in some old joke about an elevator or a lover's quarrel or a fight over a black pair of panties that were once lost _in this very room_.

Meredith realizes this at the same time that Derek realizes this as Meredith stares awkwardly at the bulletin board and reads the notices that are there that are STILL there from the time that she and Derek snuck off from the prom, like two or three years ago to have doubly adulterous sex in an exam room which Meredith thought was really romantic or something at the time.

And then Derek _smirks_ at Meredith and _grins_ all over again and makes dirty McDreamy eyes at his then-mistress-now-girlfriend-no-longer-mistress-or-something and Meredith's eyes widen at him for bringing up such a thing while they were together and not _alone together_ because Derek Shepherd's EX-WIFE is standing in between them now! Who is staring at Meredith, confused?

Addison looks confused and Meredith looks at her sympathetically because she knows that Addison has no idea why Meredith's eyes are as wide as two Jupiter's while looking at her ex-husband and Meredith's who-knows-what-then-now and Meredith usually like to explain everything to Addison in the subtext but she's not sure if Addison would WANT to know this…

So she looks at Addison, now, with a raised eyebrow and sympathetic smile, trying, again, _telepathically_ to tell her that there's something she _can_ know if she really wanted to. And that Meredith _will_ tell her if she signals back _telepathically_ that that's for sure what she wants. And there's a seriousness in Meredith's telepathically transmitted tone. She knows there's no going back.

* * *

5

Meredith knows that Addison knows that Meredith is giving Addison a choice now. Addison has known Meredith long enough to know when she is lying, and she knows that Meredith isn't quite lying to her now, but she isn't quite truthful to her either. And Meredith can see she's considering her options because she could easily just walk away from it and go back to her brother and Nai.

But Addison doesn't walk away from it all, she doesn't turn away from Meredith Grey and she doesn't stop making eye contact with Meredith. Addison looks into those big baby blues and somehow she realizes or something that this is one of those times where it could be considered 'when something really _really_ BAD happens' because what Meredith is not-quite-lying about…

Whatever it is that Meredith is giving her the choice of saying or not saying, Meredith is telepathically transmitting to Addison in the hopes that she'll know, now or never, that she can either have answers or questions but not none of the above. Meredith is giving Addison an out from ever knowing it all, from being thrown back into the deep end of things long-buried for her.

And Meredith knows she will hurt Addison either way. She will either hurt her by telling her the truth; that they are all currently standing here, in this exact exam room. The exam room where Derek is currently lying subdued on the table where Meredith once lay subdued on the table but for reasons that were at that time panty-losing-reasons that involved a then-married Derek.

And Meredith knows she is hurting her, now, anyway, as well by the NOT-telling-her-right-away what she could probably have figured all out by her logical reasoning and deduction by putting together the pieces of the black-lace-panties and the bulletin board and the obvious adultery that had once happened behind her damn nose for what? Revenge about Addison's own Mark-shaped adultery?

And eventually, Meredith realizes that Addison is so damn _painfully smart_ as she always used to say to everyone, even to Derek but the _annoyingly kind_ part of Addison is letting her stand there, offering as if she's the only one who can offer her this kind of answer. But Meredith realizes she might already have figured out the damn puzzle, and she's just letting Meredith say it.

* * *

6

Meredith doesn't really want to say it; who would? Who wants to tell someone's ex-wife that she screwed her ex-husband in this very room when he wasn't even her ex-husband at the time and Meredith wasn't even his _girlfriend_ at the time because again, she was seeing-but-not-screwing Finn Dandridge, the mutual vet of their mutual pet who died like that day or something like that.

Meredith doesn't want to admit it, out of shame and out of guilt and out of bad tastes and bad memories of their (3 of their) mutual pasts that were sort of irrelevant, or at least had been irrelevant for so long since Addison moved to LA and Meredith broke up with Derek only to have him get a McRebound while starting a clinical trial with Meredith to take all the credit for…

And even after all that, Meredith took Derek back and built him that fucking candle house on that stupid piece of land that he loved in Seattle where he wanted to build her that stupid McDreamy house that she hated herself for wanting him to build it for her and for him and for also Cristina because she would certainly have her demands if he was building her a damn house.

Meredith doesn't want to admit that despite her stubbornness… _Something-something_ towards Addison-No-Longer-Shepherd that she still sort of wants Derek even though she sort of doesn't want him at all, also. She still likes to sleep with him sometimes and stroke his McDreamy hair and see his McDreamy smile and have a damn boyfriend so she doesn't go to the bar again.

Because Meredith considers this a game of all options, and she knows that if she breaks up with Derek that she'll go through a _rough patch_ and the last time she didn't date Derek she slept with almost a hundred other people and should have, by all rights, had an STD scare or a pregnancy scare, but NO, that pregnancy scare was with Derek and the other scare was STEVE and his _everlasting erection._

Which Addison might not even know about, because she hadn't even been around in Seattle back then. And that makes Meredith want to squirm and tell her _that_ story instead of _this_ story. To make her laugh and giggle and smile and fawn over Meredith and joke as they used to about boys and their problems. But she doesn't. She doesn't say that to Addison here and now.

* * *

Instead, Meredith says to Addison "I let Derek fuck me _where we are_ right now, on this table, in this very exam room, at the hospital prom, while you were married to Derek and I was dating Finn Dandridge and that's how I lost my black lacy underwear that you found in his pocket and washed and ironed and folded for me and placed on the bulletin board and I am so, so, so, sorry, Addison."

And Addison smiles very sadly at _her_ , and frowns very pointedly at _him,_ and then she walks away from them both, while she starts tearing up and starts crying and sobbing, all over _again._

* * *

*****

*****

*****

*****

*****

******* END OF CHAPTER FIVE**

* * *

_Author's Note 2:_

Yes, this is where this story becomes more of an A/U because of course this exam room scene never actually happened. But I think it would go a little like this if it HAD happened. And if it were going in a more MerAdd direction then it probably would have happened if it HAD happened.

Which it didn't, of course. Until I made it pretend to happen, here.

Take from that what you will.

Again, thanks for reading, all, I love you all in the comments very, very much.

Have a good one. I'd love to know what you think, and if you want more.

And if so, what you'd want more of for future chapters.

CHEERS!

 _bobbiejelly_.


	6. Déja Vu, For One, But Not For Another

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which Addison remembers parts of Meredith's past that she doesn't, and in which Meredith brings up some parts of her past that in turn, Addison doesn't know about.

_Author's Note:_

And here is yet another chapter of this sort of AU version of the 2009 GA/PP crossover.

Thanks to the people who have liked this work:

On Ao3: [Arissen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arissen), [Hotgitay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hotgitay), [oliviajames](https://archiveofourown.org/users/oliviajames), [tisziny](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tisziny), [EmyLilas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmyLilas), as well as 2 guests.

On Fanfiction: None so far, actually. It's a bit sad?

On Wattpad: danielaperezsurga, outlawqueenpercabeth, itslexipedia, naylorholby, Kennas_Backup00,

Thank you to all the supporters!

Thanks to the other people too, who read this and I just don't know you by name!

Thanks to the people in the future, who will read this long after.

 _bobbiejelly_.

* * *

**Soothe**

* * *

_In Which Meredith teaches Addison how to self-soothe._

_Before Meredith married Derek, and After she'd almost told Addison she liked her._

_F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. GA/PP Fanfiction._

_Set during GA - "Before After/An Honest Mistake & PP - Acceptance/Ex-Life. Rated M._

_Inspired by "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by Illegal Kittens, "Blame Game" by LordOfLezzies, and "All We Ever Are We Are" by SilverStarsAndMoons._

* * *

**Chapter 6: Déja Vu, For One, But Not For Another**

* * *

_In Which Addison remembers parts of Meredith's past that she doesn't, and in which Meredith brings up some parts of her past that in turn, Addison doesn't know about._

* * *

1

"Addison!" Meredith yells out for her. "Doctor Montgomery!" Meredith screams down the hallway. And it's déja vu, for one, but not for another - It's déja vu for Addison, only. Meredith has no memory of herself talking with Addison on morphine, but Addison vividly remembers this, and so she's walking away now from Meredith in a huff, and Meredith has no idea why.

Meredith expects Addison to turn around and ask her something like 'what the hell do you want from me, you've already taken my husband, and apparently you've _literally taken him right in that room_ , so what the hell can I offer you that I haven't given away yet! What the hell are you calling me for, in apology? What the hell can you give me to make any or all of this at all okay?"

She seriously expects Addison to chew her out in front of Derek, but she doesn't. Addison doesn't chew her out and Addison doesn't turn around and Addison doesn't stop walking with her click-click-click of her at least six-inch-high-heels she always wears everywhere. Addison keeps walking in long and fast strides out of the exam room, out of the hallway, and just _away_.

Away from Meredith, and this makes Meredith's heart tear in two because she really does care for Addison and not only in a sort of strange and semi-sexual way but also in a really does care for how Addison is feeling and being and existing way and she really does want her to stop and turn around and chew her out so at least she knows she _exists_ to Addison Montgomery, still.

Meredith has this sinking feeling she was already starting to have earlier when she realized Addison will have no reason to ever come back to Seattle after Archer. Meredith realizes now that Addison, now, has no reason to ever talk to _her_ , ever again, _ever_ after what she just admitted to her and she's so scared and lost and lonely and all she wants again is _Addison._

Meredith wants to chase her, even more now than before. She says to Derek 'keep that ice on that hand, I have to go check on Archer Montgomery,' because she sort-of does, but because she knows that that's probably where _Addison_ is headed and sure, she's ambushing her but there's nothing that's stopping her from just standing close enough to _see_ Addison, again.

* * *

2

They're all in Archer's room now. All of them being Archer and Addison of course, along with Archer's new girlfriend Naomi, who is also Addison's best friend. And Naomi's ex-husband Sam, who is also all of their friends, sort of, still. And then there's Mark Sloan who is their old friend ex-ex-best-friend of Derek's, and finally, there is also _their_ Derek, who is also there announcing the diagnosis to Archer.

"I got the worms out, all eight of the worms out," Derek says with a smile until Mark goes to try to punch him again, motioning with his head over to Lexie, until Derek changes his sentence to " _We_ got the worms out," with a bit of a grumble. And Archer, he doesn't believe Derek, so he asks for another head CT just to check it all out. And Derek grunts that he doesn't need one.

And Addison is too tired to fight him, and too weary to chew him out in front of all of the others, so he just stands there all smug again, because he's gotten away with not only screwing Meredith Grey in an exam room, but also Meredith _announcing_ this news to his now ex-wife three years later, and still gets to be the 'hero' who saved her _Archie_ Montgomery's brain again.

And Meredith watches all of this from outside the glass window. She's sort of sad that Addison never asked her to join them like she did last time after she'd snuck them the scotch and gave her water and also some cuddles. She could go on in, on the premise she's still a surgical resident, and Archer is her caseload. But she's off-duty now, thanks to Addison, anyway.

And so she doesn't feel right about barging in on the 'all of them', so she just watches and waits for… 'Them' outside of Archer's room window. She'd like to say she's waiting for her boyfriend to finish work. But she's sort of not really waiting for him at all, she's sort of actually waiting to see Addison again to apologize for the umpteenth time for all the fucked-up things she's done.

Meredith can see how hard Addison's been crying and it tears her heart apart to see her so broken in the open. Addison is usually so composed and collected, even at the times that make most people melt to tears. Even when Addison had been crying earlier, she had been all alone until Meredith had found her. Just now, Addison had been crying in the hallway, all alone, _yet_ _again._

* * *

3

Meredith can feel Addison's eyes flicker to the door to see her. She knows that Addison has seen her standing by outside the window. She breathes a sigh of relief when Addison doesn't frown or signal with her eyes or with her hands for her to 'go away'. Instead, Addison just flicks her eyes back away from Meredith, and back to her brother who is waking up even more.

"Oh, Archie," Addison gushes when Archer can finally speak again, awake. "I'm not gorked," Archer says in a snarky way to everyone, and somehow it makes it seem like all of this is okay. "Archer you're going to be okay," Addison gushes again, pulling him into her arms because she's so glad he's not dead or dying like she might have expected him to be, but hoped not.

And then Addison moves back from Archer because she realizes that her best friend, Nai, wants to see _her new boyfriend,_ and even though this is super weird for her she tries to support both of them. So she steps back and lets Naomi hug him, but in a way that was more suggestive than in the way that Naomi used to hug her brother Archer, and it starts to make Addison feel ill.

And so Addison doesn't really want to watch this and neither does Sam Bennett because he's Naomi's ex-wife and kind of still sort of in love with Nai, so he turns around awkwardly as Addison turns around awkwardly and Mark laughs at their awkward turning around and Lexie admonishes Mark for laughing at this and Derek doesn't know what to do with himself, either.

So Derek goes to leave the room now because he usually would like to hang around with his friends but there's a lot going on here and he's still mad at Mark for Lexie and he's still a bit sheepish around Addison for Meredith and he's not sure about this whole Archer and Naomi thing and what he thinks about the implications of all of that one so he goes to leave, then.

And when Derek goes to leave, Meredith realizes he's coming _towards her_ and she sort of doesn't want to talk with him now because she wants to keep staring awkwardly at Addison through the window, so she runs away from the door for a second, into a nearby supply closet until he passes by out through the door. And Meredith sighs in relief that Derek didn't see her.

* * *

4

But the problem is that the supply closet she snuck into is not one that is unoccupied. It's currently also occupied by none other than Sadie freaking' Harris, her "Die" to Meredith's "Death". They had slept their way through Europe together before medical school, much to her mother's chagrin. Meredith hadn't seen her in _years_ until she came to work here at Seattle Grace.

"Rough day?" Sadie offers to Meredith, shrugging. "You could call it that," Meredith says casually to her. "I'm hiding from George O'Malley, Cristina Yang, Izzie Stevens, and Alex Karev. Who are YOU hiding from?" Sadie asks her without any sort of condescension. She knew her, Sadie knew her once and she sort of still knows her, now. "Yeah, I'm hiding from someone.".

Meredith admits this to Sadie because she knows Sadie knows anyways. Sadie was one of those people who could read Meredith well, and that's probably why she left her high school ex-boyfriend to sleep in youth hostels and backpack with this blonde girl when she was 22 or 23 or 24 or something like that. "Is it your boyfriend, what's his name, Derek? Or McSomething?"

Sadie is asking her this because she apparently called Derek 'McDreamy' enough that she wasn't sure if this is his actual name. Which would be ridiculous of course, to be called legally a 'McDreamy,'. But Saidie's question is genuine, and Meredith laughs along with her lame joke. She's laughing with her now because she's stalling from answering her question about _him._

"You know you can talk to me about all your boy problems, there's no reason not to, unless of course you want there to be," Sadie says to her cryptically. And Meredith swears under her breath because she knows that she's right. And Meredith doesn't want to talk to Sadie but she sort of does all the same. And she doesn't want to give Sadie false hope about anything.

"Look, Lexie is with Mark now, I get it, I'll stop hitting on her, so you win," says Sadie then to her. She's giving Meredith an 'out' in case she wants to change the topic. But by now Meredith sort of wants to talk to her like an old friend, and because she knew from their past history that at the very least, Sadie had every reason to understand all the trouble she's in. Or could well be in.

* * *

5

"I guess it's sort of boy-problems, but also not boy problems," Meredith finally lets her guard down. Something about being in such a small dark space makes it easier to spill secrets with her friend like she used to. "Should I be reading more into this, or are you going to tell me to fuck off again?" Sadie offers to Meredith in a more gentle way than her words might suggest.

"No, you're right, or yes, you're right or _whichever_. I'm having all sorts of boy-problems, but they're not all about boy problems. I'm having all sorts of problems with the boys but not only the boys and I should be happy, I really should be. My boyfriend defended me to his ex-wife. And I would have killed for that ages ago, and it's all I would have wanted but today and I just-"

Meredith starts to explain all of this to Sadie, now, who starts to lean in and try to comfort her. And Meredith lets her tuck her head into the crook of her neck the way she was doing with Addison earlier because it made her feel nice to just have someone close to her in that way when she's hurting. _To have a woman that is close to her when she's hurting. About a woman._

"Are you going to make me ask for it or are you going to keep sharing your soap opera?" Sadie asks Meredith, postponing her own storytelling about her lack of surgical success as an intern. "I'll keep going. So basically I told his ex-wife that I let Derek fuck me in the exam room we were all standing in, like 3 or so years ago. And she left in tears crying and she never looked back,"

"And I called out to her, in all the different ways of her name. But she still didn't turn around, and she was still all hurt and alone and in tears and sobbing _again_. After I'd already comforted her and helped her self-soothe with some alcohol because that's the only coping strategy that I know how and it's also _her_ coping strategy and so maybe we're not the healthiest at sadness…"

"But then she left even after we spent hours together and I was cuddled up to her the way you're cuddled up to me, except it's different of course because she isn't my ex-girlfriend like you are; I'm her ex-husband's ex-mistress and I'm her current acquaintance or maybe not... and I'm HIS current girlfriend and I just ran away from my boyfriend to keep staring at _HER._ "

* * *

6

And then Meredith bursts into tears and Sadie Harris starts to offer to hug her, but Meredith doesn't want her to hug her because she's all tired and vulnerable and she's missing the contact with women. She's pretty sure that at this point if Sadie Harris were to come closer to her that she might give in, to her instinct, and start screwing her ex-girlfriend again, and _in the closet_ , no less.

"He doesn't know I'm your ex, does he," Sadie says to her thoughtfully. "No, he doesn't," Meredith answers her question, as well as the other implied question of whether or not Derek knows that she's bi. "He doesn't know at all about any of that sort of stuff. I told him I didn't want to talk about it, the 'death' and 'die' thing at all. Not because I'm ashamed of _you_ , it's just _me_ …"

And Sadie understands Meredith's unwillingness to come out to her boyfriend. And Sadie asks her if she should come out to the hospital. And Meredith says that Sadie's sort of basically done that already, by the way, when she complimented Callie Torres's necklace by just saying "beautiful" to her and then reverting back to Callie's necklace. And Sadie laughs and realizes she's totally right.

And then Meredith asks her if SHE should come out to the hospital. And Sadie says she probably should at some point and that there's no time at all like the present. And she offers to help her in any way that she can. And Meredith can tell that she's flirting but she takes the offer in another direction. She asks Sadie if she can introduce her as her ex-girlfriend to Derek.

And Sadie agrees to this plan, asking for just in return a little help with the stupid intern-bowl-scavenger hunt. Meredith is confused because she thought that was over, but Sadie explains she has to redo it because she failed the whole thing the first time, and Lexie Grey won't let her cheat. And Meredith sighs, says she'll help Sadie study _just this once_ , and for this.

Meredith wants to rip the band-aid off all at once, so she stands up and helps Sadie up and walks out of the supply closet. And Sadie makes a 'coming out' joke, and Meredith rolls her eyes pointedly. And as soon as Derek comes back into earshot, she tells him loud and clear that Sadie Harris was once her girlfriend; that the 'sleeping through Europe together was _literal'._

**Meredith Grey says this to Derek Shepherd, outside Archer Montgomery's room, in a voice that is deliberately loud enough, for Addison Montgomery to hear her admission, as well.**

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******* END OF CHAPTER SIX**

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_Author's Note 2:_

Apparently, this is turning much more into a multichapter story than I intended. Whoa.

Well, Meredith, it seems, has come out of the closet in more ways than one.

How will Derek and Addison react to all this?

Stay tuned to find out. I haven't decided yet.

If you have a preference, let me know.

Hope to see you all in the COMMENTS!

Take care,

 _bobbiejelly_.


	7. An Honest, Insane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which Addison really tries to understand. (Does she?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ENJOY!

_Author's Note:_

This chapter is for Lydialyn, who left me the most encouraging and heartwarming message on "Soothe" this morning and it was a delightful experience. I'd say go read the comments because they almost add to the damn story with the story they craft in themselves.

Also for Kristin_Aubrie, who did actually kudos this work yesterday, but anonymously, and then finally non-anonymously did and then told me and left another review that was so gentle and nice.

So thank you both, and thanks to all the other readers out there of this story, like the other guests who liked this one overnight.

Nothing yet from Fanfiction, oops, wanna be the first one fanfiction people?

And on Wattpad, danielaperezsurga, outlawqueenpercabeth, itslexipedia, naylorholby, Kennas_Backup00, who I can tell are following this up to the last chapter because of the way that site works.

Hazzah, here's another scintillating installment on this AU but not.

Enjoy it, leave a note at the end, (and you probably will be featured in the next installment if you do, hint hint) - THANKS!.

 _bobbiejelly_.

* * *

**Soothe**

* * *

_In Which Meredith teaches Addison how to self-soothe._

_Before Meredith married Derek, and After she'd almost told Addison she liked her._

_F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. GA/PP Fanfiction._

_Set during GA - "Before After/An Honest Mistake & PP - Acceptance/Ex-Life. Rated M._

_Inspired by "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by Illegal Kittens, "Blame Game" by LordOfLezzies, and "All We Ever Are We Are" by SilverStarsAndMoons._

* * *

**Chapter 7: An Honest, Insane**

* * *

_In Which Addison really tries to understand. (Does she?)_

* * *

1

"Wait, so are you saying you cheated on me with her?" Derek asks Meredith dumbly at Meredith's admission to having an ex-girlfriend. "What?" No, Sadie and I, we dated while I traveled, we traveled through Europe on a backpacking trip before I went to medical school, I hadn't seen her in years," Meredith says to Derek, who still doesn't seem to understand her.

"So, did you sleep with her while you were with me?" Derek asks her, and Meredith sort of squints her eyes at him, because she's not sure if he wants her to say 'yes' so he feels absolution for Addison or if he wants her to say 'no' so he can go back to being her boyfriend 'as usual'. "No, I didn't, Derek, that's not really the point of all this…" Meredith tries to tell him.

"So, I mean, do you want to sleep with her now?" Derek asks here, clearly on a one-track of a mind, here, as he focuses on all the wrong details, those details, of course, being the details pertaining to HIM, and HIS relationship with Meredith, and what this will mean for the "THEM". And Meredith is relieved that he's not freaking out at all or yelling at her, but I mean, _still…_

"No, I don't want to sleep with her now," Meredith says first to Derek. "I'm sorry, Sadie, that you had to hear that all blunt but after Amsterdam… Well, you know it was over for us..." Meredith tries to do damage control with all of her present and past-lovers right here. If George were to appear it would make a perfect grouping of all the doctors of Seattle Grace Meredith slept with.

Sure enough, George O'Malley appears out of nowhere, for Derek to ask Meredith "so if you don't want to sleep with her again like you used to, then why bring it up, in front of everyone, in the hospital?" And Derek sort of spits at the words and Meredith was already uncomfortable before George appeared but now George looks _appalled_ and I-don't-know-what-now-

And George has his big McBambi eyes out, trying to catch Meredith's eye to see if she can give him some sort of an explanation, and Meredith turns to his eyes and mouths 'yes, I'm sorry," to George so he knows she's not fibbing and then George turns away because he's not sure if he should be excited or startled by this and he looks like a bit of both right now, Meredith thinks.

* * *

2

"Look, we were a couple then we weren't anymore, that's what I think that she's trying to say," Sadie tries to help Meredith, and Meredith is glad Sadie didn't say that 'that's what she's trying to say'; she didn't assume that she knew that, she guessed that she did. And that makes Meredith miss women even more because that's what she liked about them - their empathy.

"It is, Sadie said it. We were a couple then we weren't, and we aren't, and we're not going to be again, sorry Sadie, but that's it, I just wanted you to know that, that's all Derek because you asked how I knew her and what 'death' and 'die' meant to me and now you know that, and I just don't want to keep secrets from you or at least _less_ secrets from you and I didn't want this one-"

"I didn't want this one to be a secret anymore so now you know, and we can all just move on and not make a big deal about it because it shouldn't be a big deal, so I have an ex-girlfriend, maybe you have an ex-boyfriend. I mean Sadie has some ex-boyfriends and I've met some of them and it was awkward but it wasn't the end of the world so this shouldn't be -I don't know…"

"So you like to keep secrets I guess? You like to keep the dirtiest and porniest secrets to yourself? So you can reveal them at dramatic moments like earlier in the exam room when you-" Meredith cuts him off then, to tell him to stop because "that doesn't need to be said aloud here, Derek. That one was different and this one can't hurt anyone but that one can and it _has_! Hush!"

And Sadie gives Meredith a questioning look like 'I'll ask you about _that_ one, later' and Meredith shoots her a look to say 'you're not my girlfriend or all that anymore, I won't share that one with you unless I'm _really really really hammered and lonely,_ sometimes when I'm single if I ever do become single again because I just might be single _now_ if Derek doesn't like this " _new Meredith_ " _._ '

And then George pipes in to defend Meredith, and it's the _last_ thing that Meredith ever expected to happen. But George pops in to say to Derek "Look, if you ever want to talk about it, my ex-wife broke up with me and she got with a woman and she might wanna be with another woman, so I really do get what you're going through, or could you know, if you do want to talk,".

* * *

3

And Meredith is grateful for all the nice things George is saying for her benefit to Derek, so much that she's so glad they made up after she sort-of-slept-with-him-that-one-time and all the crying and heartbreak and pain of 'something really _really_ BAD happening', all because of Meredith's lack of discretion seems to be worth it to rebuild her friendship with George, now.

And George seems to nod at her, and Sadie seems to nod at _him_. And Meredith wonders if there's something going on between _them_ because that seems to be the damn _theme_ of the day; that bitter love triangles seem to be _sort of connecting_ or approaching connections that weren't close to being connected before. Like the damn Derek-Addison-Meredith triangle.

The one Meredith trying hard not to think about, but of course, she's thinking about it, because Meredith is trying to catch Addison's eye now, through the windowpane of her brother's room. Because Meredith _knows_ that she heard all of this but she doesn't know how Addison will react to all of it. And Meredith knows she shouldn't really _care_ what Addison thinks… _But she does._

But Addison doesn't look up at her, or at him, or at Sadie, or at George. Addison doesn't take her eyes away from Archer, and Naomi doesn't take her eyes away from Archer. And Sam doesn't take his eyes away from Naomi. And Mark doesn't take his eyes away from Lexie. And Lexie doesn't take her eyes away from Mark. And Archer is looking at Naomi and not at Addie.

And then Meredith changes the subject and says Derek _should_ get Archer a head CT. But Derek goes all ballistic over that one, saying she's just a baby surgeon and she shouldn't be calling the shots here after her bad judgment always gets into a mess. And Meredith whimpers at all of his insults, but pushes through to tell Derek he should get Archer a head CT, that he should.

And when Derek asks why he should do it, and why she asked _twice_ , Meredith motions with her eyes to get Derek to look up at Addison. And she says that you 'owe one' and she doesn't say Addison's name because she knows _that_ will make her look up to the four of them. But she insists that he should do it, for _her_ at least. And she doesn't specify which ' _her_ ' that she means.

* * *

4

Derek grunts and walks off without a word to ask Richard Webber something about Archer. Meredith figures it's to complain that Archer really doesn't need a head CT but Meredith hopes this reaction will reverse-psychology Doctor Webber into ordering one for him anyway. Meredith really does want Archer Montgomery to be all okay, not just for Derek and her, but for _Addison_.

And then George waits for Derek to be gone before he asks Sadie and Meredith "so you both, you know…" pointing a finger between them and Meredith groans and says "we did but we don't want to talk about it." And Sadie nods at Meredith to show she won't talk to George about _them_ upon Meredith's request, and as she walks away from them both, Meredith says "study hard!"

And Sadie nods at her over her shoulder, and Meredith gives her a nod and a look, to say 'thank you for all that, and yes I will help you review your notes later'. She doesn't need to say anything, because Sadie used to know her, and she still sort-of knows her, so Sadie understands with just that all the things Meredith didn't want to confirm or deny out loud, then.

And then George looks like he wants to say something to her, but he can't figure out what he wants to say to her at all, so then George says to her "I'll offer to help her study, that is if you want me to," and Meredith can't think of a nicer thing for George O'Malley to offer her, especially given that _her_ ex-girlfriend just hit on _his_ ex-wife and she's not sure George knows that, yet.

So George says that he will, and he sort of runs off to do that. And Meredith nods at him back but he's already run away from her. And so Meredith is now standing in the hallway alone again, and she resumes what she was doing anyway, which is stalking her still-boyfriend's ex-wife through Archer Montgomery's room window. And she sees the sad smile on all of their faces…

And she watches them, hoping that all of this won't go away if they do get a head CT and there's a new worm on it somewhere. Or if they don't get a head CT and there's a new worm and then Archer starts _dying_ all over again and Derek will have to try to save him _all over again_. Meredith _hates herself_ for thinking that she could at least, then, see _Addison,_ all over again...

* * *

5

And Meredith stands there, wishing that Addison would meet her eye again, or better yet, that she would motion for Meredith to join them again, or even better yet, that she would come out of that room and spend more time with Meredith, just with the two of them, so that Meredith could apologize for her earlier outcry and tell her that she really wants to get Archer a head CT again.

But Addison doesn't do any of that. So Meredith just stays there, watching the way Addison's new short haircut sort-of suits her new LA sort-of lifestyle. And she watches how Addison's eyes crinkle when one of them says something funny. And when Mark, Naomi, Sam, Archer, and even Lexie awkwardly tries to join in on "the best love song of all time" Meredith sighs at all of them.

But she's sighing for all the wrong reasons. She _should_ be sighing because she wants to kick them for reminding them about the Derek-And-Addison-Era and she should be upset they're insinuating that Addison was supposed to be her boyfriend's 'one-true-love-once-upon-a-time'. But of course, Meredith is sighing because for inventing a song she wishes she'd written herself.

Because despite all the confusion and obvious _wrongness_ that is associated with the hopeless pining over one's current boyfriend's ex-wife… Meredith still sits there memorizing every damn word of that love song. She wishes that Addison would join in with them on the singing so that she could hear Addison's singing voice because she bets that it's really _really_ beautiful and nice.

And that's why she didn't get upset, earlier when Archer started singing it, even though she was happy that Addison told him not to, but that was because Addison was sticking up for her like she always seemed to and that familiar warmth and comfort from Addison just made her melt. And Meredith tries to feel comforted that Archer is okay, but she's sad that it might all be over…

And eventually, it's Miranda Bailey and Richard Webber who snap Meredith out of her endless staring and stalking. Because they're asking her why she's still here when she's been off-duty for hours. And she says to them 'I'm waiting for someone' and they assume she means _Derek_ , so they just let her watch. And Richard finally says "we should get him a head CT, for her, now".

* * *

6

And Meredith could have lept up and hugged him right then. She really could have, and she usually didn't get along with Richard Webber so well, and she is usually much more afraid of Bailey than she is, right now. But she could have jumped for joy because they were sticking up for Addison and admonishing Derek's stupid pride and opinion and super-big-egotistical-thing.

And then they both see her beaming, and they smile at her because they think that she's smiling because of the medicine. And Meredith lets them think that as she smiles wide at Addison, who is about to get happy news and she just wants to stay there, and be there, and watch her smile again. Meredith wants to see some of the sadness wiped off her face, and a little glowing, a bit.

And they let Meredith keep watching, from outside the window, as they tell them they're taking him up in a bit for a scan, no matter what Derek says to them, because "I am the chief" says Richard, but Bailey's smirk at Addison says another story, that it was actually _her_ idea and that she sort of 'handled' Richard into thinking it was 'his' idea because she's his _work wife, right?._

And so they all smile, but Meredith only really sees Addison's smile, because that smile is all she is thinking about, and wishing and hoping for. And when she sees it, it's better than any dream version she could ever imagine. And she just keeps watching Addison's thin lips turn up at the corners into a full gleeful grin. And she looks happier than she's been since Seattle itself.

And finally, they go to take Archer up. And they don't motion for Meredith to come to join them because they know she's off-duty, and the look Bailey gives Meredith behind Richard's back tells her she _knows_ 'cause she's _Bailey_ that Meredith might not be so innocent in her reasons for suddenly getting time off tonight. But she smiles at her, still, and Meredith doesn't know why.

And Addison comes out of the room and says to Meredith, then "I get it, you know." Addison admits to Meredith she'd been listening in that whole time, as she'd thought. "What you told him was _an honest, insane_ \- I was never that brave. I couldn't… Anyway, thank you for the head CT for Archer. Really, thank-you. And you're braver than I am. You really are strong, Meredith…"

 **And then Meredith realizes that Addison** _ **understands**_ **_her_. She understands ****her** **, like** _ **that.**_

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******* END OF CHAPTER SEVEN**

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_Author's Note 2:_

Well, this is hopefully continuing on the trail of "discreet/secretive/unspoken/subtle path" that Lydialyn mentioned so kindly in reference to this work as.

What will happen next for these two main characters after Meredith's sudden realization?

What would YOU like to happen? Let me know and we'll see.

Have a good one, hope to see YOU in the COMMENTS!

Much love,

 _bobbiejelly_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here's to another.  
> Chapter 37 of "Falling Apart, Barely Breathing" is up if you want it.  
> Let me know what you think!


	8. Tries Very Hard To Code-Switch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which Meredith asks if Addison misses 'it".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ENJOY!

_Author's Note:_

This chapter is dedicated to itslexipedia, for commenting on Chapter 6 and Kristin_Aubrie, for commenting on Chapter 6 AND on Chapter 7. And the others, as well.

 _bobbiejelly_.

* * *

_**PREVIOUSLY ON "SOOTHE":** _

* * *

Meredith wants to rip the band-aid off all at once, so she stands up and helps Sadie up and walks out of the supply closet. And Sadie makes a 'coming out' joke, and Meredith rolls her eyes pointedly. And as soon as Derek comes back into earshot, she tells him loud and clear that Sadie Harris was once her girlfriend; that the 'sleeping through Europe together was _literal'._

**Meredith Grey says this to Derek Shepherd, outside Archer Montgomery's room, in a voice that is deliberately loud enough for Addison Montgomery to hear her admission, as well.**

* * *

And Addison comes out of the room and says to Meredith, then "I get it, you know." Addison admits to Meredith she'd been listening in that whole time, as she'd thought. "What you told him was _an honest, insane_ \- I was never that brave. I couldn't… Anyway, thank you for the head CT for Archer. Really, thank-you. And you're braver than I am. You really are strong, Meredith…"

 **And then Meredith realizes that Addison** _ **understands**_ _**her**_ **. She understands her, like** _ **that.**_

* * *

_END OF FLASHBACK SEQUENCE._

* * *

**Soothe**

* * *

_In Which Meredith teaches Addison how to self-soothe._

_Before Meredith married Derek, and After she'd almost told Addison she liked her._

_F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. GA/PP Fanfiction._

_Set during GA - "Before After/An Honest Mistake & PP - Acceptance/Ex-Life. Rated M._

_Inspired by "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by Illegal Kittens, "Blame Game" by LordOfLezzies, and "All We Ever Are We Are" by SilverStarsAndMoons._

* * *

**Chapter 8:** **Tries Very Hard To Code-Switch**

* * *

_In Which Meredith asks if Addison misses 'it"._

* * *

1

" _Addison_ , _you, too_ … _!?_ " Meredith implies with her words and her shocked look she knows that she has in her eyes. " _Yeah_ ," Addison says to her softly, sighing as she smiles another sad smile and sort of looks down at the floor then back up again. "But you never - to _him_?" Meredith implies another question without saying anything too incriminating out loud for everyone to hear.

"No, I never, to _him_ ," Addison answers Meredith's question with another sad sigh. "And did you ever, to-" Meredith doesn't want to have to try to imply a whole roomful of people, so she leaves it all open-ended and unspecific again. "No, I've never, to anyone, _ever_ , really, _here_ ," Addison says even more sadly than the last two times, and Meredith wants to say "I'm sorry,". _She does._

"There's nothing for you to be sorry about here, Meredith," Addison says, finally meeting her eye again. "I meant I'm sorry, for earlier when I said the other thing in that room, I-" Meredith clarifies another implication to Addison. "Oh, right. Thanks," Addison accepts _this_ apology, and Meredith is grateful that she finally does. She wonders if it has anything to do with _this_ or Archer.

"So, will you?" Meredith asks Addison, open-endedly again, and reverting back to their original topic. "I have honestly no idea at this point," Addison says to her warily. "Well, he didn't yell at me, at all, kinda, if that helps at all," Meredith shrugs. "Yeah, I was a bit surprised at that honestly," Addison shrugs at Meredith back. "Are you relieved by his reaction to me?" She asks.

"Yeah, I am," Addison offers her another sad smile from the corner of her thin lips. "I-" Addison goes to say something, but she doesn't say it after all. And Meredith wonders what she was about to say, but that she didn't say, and she has no idea what to think about that, after all. "I'm relieved, I guess, he didn't yell or do anything worse to me, or to her, after that," Meredith says.

"I don't think he would, _here_ , in front of everyone," Addison says to Meredith, with a bit of a warning in her eyes and in her tone. "Do you think he might-" Meredith doesn't want to finish that sentence, instead she just winces at all the potential future consequences of her actions from her boyfriend, and she sort of panics and starts shaking a bit in the hallway, at the thought.

* * *

2

"I don't think he's ever going to hit you, he doesn't hit women, ever, he only hits Mark, occasionally" Addison clarifies to Meredith. But Meredith doesn't feel relieved at this, because it's not her now-boyfriend's fists that she fears, it's his words and his anger and his withdrawal and neglect that consume Meredith, and would consume her again if he escalates those now.

"I- I'm still sorry, for this too, for you, then, also, you know..." Meredith says to Addison now. Only now she's apologizing for all the years Addison must have spent in fear that Derek might have reacted badly towards Addison admitting a similar thing that Meredith just admitted out loud to Derek and that Addison sort-of-similarly also just admitted, but _only to Meredith, so far…_

"Again, that's not on you, you know, but thank-you, for understanding," Addison says softly to her, hanging her head, knowing that Meredith is right and that while it's not Meredith's burden to bear, she's apologizing for a burden that Addison has always thought she would shoulder herself, all alone, for the rest of her life. From _him (Derek), but also everybody else she knew..._

Only of course, on Meredith's end, it's no longer a secret, and Addison seems sort of envious of that fact now, because she's sighing to herself and looking up at Meredith's eyes now. And it's the first time in, maybe forever, that Addison is looking at Meredith as if SHE were the one who is currently nearly six-feet-tall and Addison is the one who is barely five-foot-like-five.

It's a metaphor, of course. A status thing, a symbolic thing. Who-the-heck-knows. But it's about the resilience that Meredith can push through with her teeny-tiny-shoulders, even alongside _their apparently still mutual-Derek-sort-off_ through all of this ordeal since Addison's' stayed in Seattle. And Meredith would normally like to feel 'taller' or 'more grown-up' than Addison.

But it's a weird sort of liminal space, and it's making Meredith shift from foot-to-foot because, in all the rest of their lives, _Addison_ 's always been the 'first one' to do things when comparing the two of them. She was the first to go to Medical School, first to be a doctor. The first one to hit twenty, and then twenty-whatever-Meredith-Grey-Is-Now. First to kiss Derek, and date him

.

* * *

3

All that used to be 'ancient history' as Meredith thinks, before this week it all _was_. But it's not anymore, because Addison is here, now. And she's apparently gotten this sort of admission she's sort of half-told to Meredith about her half-straightness and her halfways but more than all halfways failed attempt to tell Derek, this little nitty-gritty fact about herself, like, _ever_ …

And those two were _married_ for over a _decade_ of their lives, and that just makes Meredith sadder for Addison because she's hated hiding for the past like- a few years much less many more than that and a ring all on top. She wonders how Addison has kept it a secret for so long, but then she thinks about how much telling Derek sort of sucked just now and so, there…

"So, then, how long has it been, since you were…" Meredith stops herself before she tries to finish that phrase since she's not sure if the correct ending would be 'with a woman' or 'actively bisexual' or 'practicing lesbianism' _or_ _any and/or all of the above_. And so she just lets Addison catch the beginning of her half-implication, and as always, Addison catches on to her, well.

"Oh, _God_ , well I guess it's been _well over a decade_ , now. Well, before Mark and Derek, so that would be…" Addison does this thing now where she's counting the years on her fingers. And it makes Meredith's eyebrows raise because Addison has like, a hundred degrees- and she's so _smart_ and _logical._ And apparently she still _counts on her fingers_ , and Meredith finds it _adorable_.

"Do you miss it?" Meredith asks boldly, then flushes _atrociously,_ and then says "actually maybe don't answer that," because she's not sure she wants to know this... _Because she_ _totally really freaking does and she's been wondering this from the moment Addison brought it up for herself, and also well, well before that- since basically the moment she first met Addison Montgomery..._

And Addison seems to consider her question, even if she doesn't answer it at all, directly, or indirectly, either, at that. Because right as she starts to open her mouth to say something- A _very_ frenzied Richard Webber pushes Archer Montgomery in a gurney while also running in the hall yelling- "Get Addison and Naomi - Right now, people! There is a problem with Archer, again!"

* * *

4

"WHAT?!" Addison exclaims as she _tries very hard to code-switch,_ almost instantly, from her sort-of- _very-sapphic-vibes-discussion_ with her ex-husband's ex-mistress and now current-girlfriend to 'maybe my brother might still actually be _dying'_ and it knocks the wind right out of her - Until she can barely catch her breath at all. And Meredith doesn't know what to do-

So she runs to get Naomi, from the room where she just was. And then she wishes she hadn't, but she's also really glad that she has, because, by the time that she gets there, Mark and Lexie had gone, and left Naomi and Archer for a moment all to themselves. And of course, being the new boyfriend-and-girlfriend-to-each-other-that-they-were, _they were kissing each other, then._

And Meredith sort-of-wishes she could unsee the past twenty-seconds of her damn life, but at the same time, she's _super glad_ that she saved Addison from _potential-and-probably-permanent-blindness-or-at-least-vision-loss_ from having had almost seen her very own best friend on top of her very own brother with _his_ hands up _her_ shirt and _her_ hands down _his_ pants.

"You're about to have company," Meredith shouts at them in a firm and determined tone. And the both of them must have some spidey-sense for how to stop looking suspicious after just having a steamy hookup in a hospital bed because they pull their hands up simultaneously, and do up their clothes in a flash. And by the time Addison bursts in, they're completely dressed.

"Archer, I'm so, so, so, sorry…" Addison says in a sad tone. And it breaks Meredith's heart apart as she wants to hold Addison again. But she checks the instinct before she does something stupid, and instead, she stands dutifully _just outside the damn door again_ so that the family-plus-ish crew can have their time to themselves. "I should tell Sam," says Naomi…

And then she gets up to go, and Archer looks even more upset at Naomi's recent words than at Addison's. And Naomi pushes past the door and walks right past Meredith, who is still staring at Addison and Archer through the glass in the window. And she asks Meredith if she has seen Sam anywhere, and Meredith looks at her guiltily before sighing and paging Bailey for her…

* * *

5

Meredith didn't want to be right, but she was anyway. When Bailey shows up with the scans for Archer Montgomery, Sam Bennett also appears right alongside her. "Sam, he might have-" Naomi starts to freak out and panic into her ex-husband. "I know, I know," Sam instinctively takes Naomi into her arms before sobering up- and remembering not to do that anymore.

When Sam lets go of Naomi, Naomi reaches desperately for some contact, which just so happens to be Meredith, so even though they don't know each other, Meredith pulls Naomi in for a hug and she soothes her hair back, just to make it okay for a second. And she closes her eyes and just lets Naomi breathe until her heart stops the beat-beat-beating out of her chest.

If Meredith had had her eyes open then, she might have seen something else. But she didn't have her eyes open, so she didn't see the 'something else'. So she just keeps hugging Naomi Bennett, and sort of stroking the back of her head. She knows that most girls sort of like that, and at least Addison did, and Naomi is her _best friend_ so they probably do that for each other…?

And then Naomi finally thanks Meredith and detaches herself from her grip, and Meredith nods at her, and she's sure, and she'll be okay. And then Naomi walks into the patient room to examine the scans alongside her now-boyfriend (Archer) and ex-husband (Sam) and still-best-friend (Addison) and sort of still-friend (Mark) and Meredith's new sister (Lexie) and also with Bailey.

And then Meredith keeps watching Addison stroke her brother Archer's hair, and she sort of wants to _stroke Addison's hair again_ , but she won't, of course, because she's not even in the same room as Addison again, and she would never do that in front of, like, other people right now. And she wouldn't have before unless Addison asked her to. But she _really_ won't now.

Because now that Meredith's essentially waved a gay-pride-flag across the whole hospital as if in sweet surrender to the dark side of a war, she's not so certain she should be caught stroking any female people's hair in public, because people might get the wrong idea about her intentions. And she realizes people might think that about her having hugged Naomi, just now.

* * *

6

So she sort-of panics internally, about all of that. And she's panicking and still watching Addison through the window, so she doesn't see anyone coming from the other side of her. And she's startled when someone starts to talk to her, now. And she jumps when she hears it's a man's voice behind her, and she panics because she thinks that it might be _HIM_ , meaning _Derek._

But it's not _him_ , it's not at all _Derek_. It's merely Richard Webber who is telling her the same things that Bailey is saying to Archer Montgomery. He's telling these things to her as a _doctor_ because he knows Meredith is off-duty, but still wants to keep her informed, seeing as she's standing there, anyway, and he interprets this as her 'being a keener' and 'wanting a surgery'.

Which Meredith is extremely grateful for, that she's coming across that way. So she lets Richard Webber talk into her ear about Archer Montgomery's eventful trip to CT. And as Meredith is listening, her mind only catches on to the important parts like "we won't know until later" and "Doctor Shepherd still hasn't seen him yet, so we can't say for sure, at all, yet…"

And at the mention of her boyfriend's name, Meredith stiffens up completely. And she wants to crawl back into the supply closet, I guess both literally and figuratively, rather than talk to him again. But she has no such chance to escape the inevitable MerDer moment that is about to happen because Derek Shepherd is walking down the hall right now. Meredith feels him first.

She feels his breath upon her shoulder, and before she turns around she can feel Derek kissing on her neck. And Meredith should want this, she _should_ really, really want this. But she sort-of doesn't want this. She sort of doesn't want her Derek. She sort of doesn't want her boyfriend. She sort of doesn't want _any boyfriend_. So she sort-of jumps away from him, and he just stares.

And then Derek walks right past her without saying anything else or touching her anywhere besides that. And he pushes into the room and announces to the family, but too quietly for Meredith to hear, just what his diagnosis is. He's doing this on purpose, to keep Meredith in the dark and waiting. He wants her to _need him to come back out to tell her, but only after all that._

* * *

**And Meredith _hates him for it_ , she hates that he's holding her hostage and _making her wait for an answer_. It's just like in the beginning, after 'pick me, choose me, love me, when _he left her waiting for his answer_. But Meredith stays there waiting _anyway_ , just like she did before. Until Addison who comes out of the room to tell her what **_**he**_ **won't.**

**Addison tells her Richard was wrong, and that even Archer was wrong himself. She tells her Archer's going to make it, that the spot on the scans is benign. That it'll all go away in a few weeks, he'll be tested to be sure. And that she's going back to LA soon, and she wishes Meredith good luck. Then she gives Meredith the answer to her OTHER question.**

_**Addison leans right in, to tell Meredith, and Meredith, only, 'I do miss it; all of the time...'** _

* * *

*****

*****

*****

*****

*****

******* END OF CHAPTER EIGHT**

* * *

_Author's Note 2:_

Well, well, well… Things are charting into a more dangerous and exciting territory for both Addison and Meredith. They're already not-saying a 'lot of things' and not-saying 'me too, a lot of things…'

And who knows where this- what? Possibility? Enthusiasm? Misguided coping strategy? Could lead them.

It might depend on what kind of mood I'm in when I get around to writing episode nine of this "Soothe" story.

If you do have a desire or an opinion on what you want, I'd love it if you do let me know.

All reviews are really helpful, and I read and reply to as many as I physically can.

Take care,

 _bobbiejelly_.

Meanwhile, if you want, I just posted 2 new stories:

####  [McCravings](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24077548)

_McDreamy, McSteamy, McMeredith, and McHot all walk into a McDonalds. Hilarity ensues._

AND:

####  [After Italian](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24078883)

_Cristina Yang and Izzie Stevens hang out after their dinner date (but not their first date, ever,) at an Italian restaurant._

If you wanna check those stories out, be my guest, I'd love to know what you think about it all.

HAVE A GOOD ONE!

Leave a note if you can,

bobbiejelly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you want there to be a sex scene? Let me know... :p


	9. They Say "Sure" At The Same Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which they all operate together; Meredith and Addison and Derek and Alex. Well, they're all in the operating room, all together. How they operate… Well, that might be a whole other story...

_Author's Note:_

Wow, here we are, yet again, on another scintillating addition.

This one is much, much more canonical, with some _additional_ implied MerAdd connection.

Forgive me for the not really good medicine part, I'm not a doctor, just an avid Grey's fan like the rest of us…!

This one is ALSO for Kristin_Aubrie, who commented TWICE on the last chapter, just as I am posting this!

Ps. Ten points for whoever can find the damn song lyrics. (SorryNotSorry!)

 _bobbiejelly_.

* * *

_**PREVIOUSLY ON "SOOTHE":** _

* * *

"So, then, how long has it been, since you were…" Meredith stops herself before she tries to finish that phrase since she's not sure if the correct ending would be 'with a woman' or 'actively bisexual' or 'practicing lesbianism' _or_ _any and/or all of the above_. And so she just lets Addison catch the beginning of her half-implication, and as always, Addison catches on to her, well.

"Do you miss it?" Meredith asks boldly, then flushes _atrociously,_ and then says "actually maybe don't answer that," because she's not sure she wants to know this... _Because she_ _totally really freaking does and she's been wondering this from the moment Addison brought it up for herself, and also well, well before that- since basically the moment she first met Addison Montgomery..._

_**Addison leans right in, to tell Meredith, and Meredith, only, 'I do miss it; all of the time...'** _

* * *

_END OF FLASHBACK SEQUENCE._

* * *

**Soothe**

* * *

_In Which Meredith teaches Addison how to self-soothe._

_Before Meredith married Derek, and After she'd almost told Addison she liked her._

_F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. GA/PP Fanfiction._

_Set during GA - "Before After/An Honest Mistake & PP - Acceptance/Ex-Life. Rated M._

_Inspired by "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by Illegal Kittens, "Blame Game" by LordOfLezzies, and "All We Ever Are We Are" by SilverStarsAndMoons._

* * *

**Chapter 9: They Say "Sure" At The Same Time**

* * *

_In Which they all operate together; Meredith and Addison and Derek and Alex. Well, they're all in the operating room, all together. How they operate… Well, that might be a whole other story..._

* * *

1

"Hey, what are you two ladies talking about?" Derek Shepherd interrupts at the most _inopportune time, ever, for both of them._ "Um-" Meredith has no clue how to answer that. "Meredith was just asking me if I missed doing surgery here," Addison lies to him smoothly. The instant that Derek starts nodding at her approvingly, Meredith's shoulders relax just a small bit.

She's _again_ in _total awe_ at just how adept Addison is at _lying to Derek Shepherd_. But then, maybe Meredith shouldn't be so surprised, seeing as she hid _an entire Mark Sloan from him, and she's STILL hiding a near-miss-of-a-mini-Mark-Sloan to this very day (or maybe she told him that, after… Meredith never wanted to ask that, because it's a very sensitive question…)_

"Right," Meredith chimes in because she realizes that both Doctor McDreamy's are both looking at her. And this time, Meredith does feel a pang of a sort-of déja-vu for _this_ situation. The situation, in which she stands between Derek Shepherd and Addison Forbes Montgomery and they're all looking at _her_ like she owes them something. And she starts to say "surgery, right..."

And Derek buys this, even though she hesitated for at least half-a-minute. And then Addison _smirks at her_ as if they were sharing another sort of a secret. Because _they_ sure-as-hell-sort-of are. Because Meredith knows that Addison knows that Meredith knows that they weren't talking about surgery _at all_ , but rather of Addison's _past and also present secret sexual preferences…_

Which is a fact that would have been incriminating enough if it hadn't been _Addison_. If it had been any random other women than it would have still been in the category of awfully awkward things in Meredith's Grey's life. Which, she has sort of gotten used to because these sorts of things, somehow, seem to always happen to her. But with it being _Addison_ , of course, well…

This brings the level of incriminating to the level of on-the-verge-of 'something really _really_ BAD happening'. Because if Derek Shepherd _hadn't_ interrupted their conversation/practically something bordering on the fine lines of potentially/maybe a little bit of _flirtation_ , or at the very least a _suggestion_ , but probably at least far less than a real _proposition_ …( _Probably, right?!)_

* * *

2

Well if Derek Shepherd _hadn't_ interrupted their _whatever_ , just then, Meredith Grey is not sure she would have been strong enough to resist the temptation. The very real temptation to give in to it all, and to - what? Flirt with Addison, back? Make a suggestive remark right back at her? _Make her a very real, and a very serious, PROPOSITION?_ Meredith shivers at the thought.

It's not a bad shiver- it's a 'good shiver' whatever that kind of shiver may be. It's the kind of shiver one usually feels when standing next to someone _extremely attractive while thinking about sleeping with them_. Which is what Meredith is still currently doing, while being physically in the middle of her current-boyfriend and _his_ ex-wife. And she's not thinking of _HIM_ , either.

It should be _cataclysmic_ , but Addison saves Meredith all over and over again. She keeps the conversation flowing, from speaking about recent cases to how Lexie and Mark started seeing each other, to how the weather in LA has been, to how Sam is and how Naomi is but not how Sam-and-Naomi-are because those two 'are not now', despite what recent events might imply…

And all that tact and pristine just makes Meredith fall harder and harder on her goddamn face (of course, symbolically and not actually _physically_ , though Meredith fantasizes if she were to fall over right now that she hopes it's in the direction of a certain redhead so that she'll be the first one to catch her, not Derek). She's falling out of touch with reality, as she mumbles a lot.

And luckily for her, Derek doesn't seem to notice, and if Alex Karev were here to see it all, he might have asked her 'if it bugs for her to be hanging around _her guy_ for all of this time'. To which she might have said 'yes' before thinking about it. And he would have been right and _she_ would have been right but they wouldn't have been thinking about the same thing, at all, either.

But Alex Karev doesn't appear just to ask Meredith that. Alex Karev appears into their eye-line to ask Doctor Montgomery and Doctor Shepherd and I guess Doctor Grey if they'll help him with an _emergent_ incoming medical case. And the fact that he's asking Addison signals to Meredith and everyone else that she's _pregnant_ , so it's most definitely a two-in-one-emergency-surgery.

* * *

3

It's a good thing that it's been hours since the whole _Drinking Derek's Secret Scotch Stash Incident_ because both Meredith and Addison are both now stone-cold-sober. So _they say 'sure' at the same time_ , and this makes them giggle. And it's the first moment they've shared and just relaxed together since they were both a little drunk and tipsy and not talking about serious stuff.

So Alex brings over the binder, and they all stand around it. Alex dutifully reads off the chart and then leans closer to Addison. And then Meredith remembers he slept with _her_ once. And it sends her to a tailspin of _blind jealous rage_ , directed not only at _Derek_ now, but directed also at _Alex_ , and _especially Alex_ , for having snuck with her in an on-call room for that quickie one time.

And Meredith is fuming and frowning and getting angry inside. And she's clenching her bitter fists in her hands. And she can feel her nails digging into her palms, in a similar sort of way that _Addison's fingernails had once dug into her arms when she had offered them over to Addison when she was hurting so much over Archer._ She _almost_ breaks her skin, then, but she doesn't.

And no one really notices her clenching so hard, except for Addison maybe, who shoots her a sympathetic look to try to get her to calm down. But then Addison looks in her eyes and sees where she's staring and follows Meredith's eye line to Alex. And then she understands the implication that Alex might have to Meredith, with reference to herself, and to Meredith.

And so she steps away experimentally from Alex Karev and takes his hand pointedly _off_ her hip, where it had landed when he offered her the chart to read, out. And that seems to do the trick for Meredith because her fists stop clenching so tight and she releases the breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. And Addison nods imperceptibly at Meredith, then. She nods.

And that nod is the closest Addison has come so far to acknowledging the mutual-yet-fatal-attraction between herself and the blonde no-longer-intern-of-Seattle-Grace. Meredith realizes that Addison probably still thinks of her as _only an intern_. And she wonders, idly, if she cares that Addison probably thinks that of her. Does _Addison_ have 'a thing for _interns_?'

* * *

4

An affirmative answer would just be so _comical_ ; that an ex-wife and an ex-husband could share such a similar set of tastes that they intersect in this way. But then again, it would only be to Meredith's _benefit_ (but also, very likely as well, her also _total demise_ ) so Meredith thinks that it really shouldn't matter if Addison still thinks of her as an intern, because she trusted Meredith…

Meaning Meredith remembers that Addison had implicitly signaled that she trusted Meredith with her assessment of Derek's shoulder. And then Meredith wonders if that's just because it was sort of _easy to tell Derek hadn't broken anything and was just being a bit of a sook about it._ But then again, Addison is now handing _Meredith_ this woman's chart now. So there's hope…

Hope in the sense that Addison still trusts her medical judgment, as a no-longer-intern, or whatever she is now. Because she's asking Meredith's opinion on _mirror syndrome_ and she's rattling off statistics like she's done this before. Because she _has_ done 'this' before, meaning the 'practicing low-stakes-of-medicine-while-being-distracted-by- _stuff'_. She's done this before…

So she can do it now. Meredith tells herself she can do it now. She can go into that O.R. and operate on this patient, while her worried husband waits to see if the love of his life will wake up coherent or not, and whether his love-child with her will wake up healthy or not, and if so, in her arms, or not, ever… And so Meredith lists off some statistics again, but Derek asks her MORE.

He asks her MORE questions, because, as it turns out, she'll be operating alongside HIM, while Alex Karev operates alongside HER. And this sends Meredith into a blind jealous rage _again_ , but at least this time she tries to pass it off as something half-educational. Saying something about wanting to learn more about obstetrics, because " _Addison is going back to LA, soon…"_

Her cryptic words are not lost on Addison, who flashes a look of sincerity in her eyes as she says this. Meredith almost thinks she sees sadness, or remorse, or _something more_ than just flattery at being complimented so graciously. (For her 'surgical skills', overtly, at least, but of course Addison reads between all the lines of fear and blame, and knows that it's about _more_ ).

* * *

5

They're in trouble. They're all in medical trouble. They're all in very deep medical trouble, now. As if the world needed to prove that saving Archer was only enough if something else that is 'really _really_ BAD' happens right after to 'even the score', well then this would be it. Because they're in the O.R, now. And Meredith is standing to Derek's right as he's deep in her brain.

And Alex is standing next to Addison who is deep next to the baby's heart monitor. (Because nothing came of Meredith's earlier lame attempt to switch Attendings for this case, likely due to the fact that her current Attending is also her current _boyfriend_. So obviously he stuck to his guns and took Meredith Grey for himself. And obviously Alex wants Addison _(Who doesn't!)._

So they're all standing around in the O.R, now. And the patient is currently crashing and coding all on the table. And Derek is taking out her temporal lobe now, and then her frontal lobe, or parts of it. And then he wants to cut into her more, and Addison is _screaming at him to just stop what he's doing._ But Derek keeps going and yells at Addison to "PUT THE SCALPEL DOWN!"

And Addison is yelling back at him to "YOU PUT THE SCALPEL DOWN!". And then they _BOTH_ turn to _MEREDITH GREY_ , now. And Meredith is so frightened for the _patient_ but also for _herself_ now because she knows if she makes a choice _now,_ even a choice about _this_ , about the ' _patient_ ', that she's also implicitly stating her unspoken answer about deciding between _THEM_.

And Meredith _hates herself so damn much right now for all this_. But she's honestly not sure what to do, medically, because she's still only a _resident_ and usually she just does as other people tell her to do in an operating room because that's what junior doctors usually are supposed to do. But now they're pulling her right in between them. _And she doesn't know_...

So eventually Addison sends Alex down, down to get _The Chief_ in his office. Which, Addison smirks at because she knows and Meredith also knows that she really means _Bailey_ , because, spiritually, everyone knows she's the real big boss of _everyone_ , at Seattle Grace Hospital, being Richard Webber's Chief Resident and also his confidant and favorite student and _work wife._

* * *

6

By the time Richard Webber arrives, with Miranda Bailey trailing shortly behind him, Derek is pumping on the patient's chest with both hands, while Addison is screaming at him "I'M TAKING THE BABY OUT, DAMNIT, DEREK!" And Addison reaches for her scalpel with the very, very finest sleight of her hand. And she cuts a smooth incision into the patient's tender abdomen.

And Addison delivers the baby by C-Section and asks Alex to call down to the NICU. And she's pumping on the preemie's tiny chest right now. And Meredith is watching her in awe as she straps on an Ambu-bag and breathes life into the baby's tiny little lungs. And the baby's heart finally starts beating, right, again. Meredith can see the beat-beat-beating of the baby's heart.

And then Meredith looks back at Derek, who is pumping the patient's chest like a madman. And he's screaming at everyone in the damn room to 'give her more blood', just to 'give her more blood', just to 'give her more blood'. And he tries and he pumps. And Meredith just stands there, waiting for the end to finally come. Richard says "no more blood, Derek". _She's finally gone..._

Once it's all over and everyone except Derek knows it, Meredith shuts off the flatlining monitor for the mother because Derek just stands there idly, Derek doesn't stop pumping, he just keeps going and doing and trying and trying. And it's getting really, really hard to watch, because Derek is pounding into a dead woman, and he's breaking her ribs. And it's 'really _really_ BAD'.

And Meredith looks up at Addison, now. And she has that same glazed-over look that Meredith has come to know so, so well over the past several hours or days, but who's counting? And Meredith stares into her green eyes. And Addison stares into Meredith's big baby blues… And there's a moment for the two of them. In front of everyone, but only for them. Just a moment…

But it's there. There's for _certain_ a moment there. There's an instant where Addison nods up at Meredith. And she flicks her eyes up to Derek, and she flicks her eyes back to Meredith. And Meredith understands her, she understands _Addison_. She knows he'll never, ever recover from this. This patient will be his 'one' for as long as he lives. He'll wallow from it. _Probably always…_

* * *

**And Addison Montgomery says with her eyes 'I am so, so, so, sorry, Meredith Grey..."**

**And Meredith says with her eyes "You have nothing to be sorry for,** _ **you**_ **did it all** _ **right**_ "

**And Addison says with her smile, "We should get a drink or something later, just US"**

**And Meredith says with** _ **her**_ **smile, "You know, we really, really should, if YOU, want to,"**

 **And when Addison nods up at her, back, then… Meredith** _**knows** _ **that she's asking for…**

_**Something else MORE than 'just a drink', now, to soothe her… Something else… Entirely.** _

**Meredith only has a split second to decide now; 'in or out', 'up or down', 'yes or no'...**

**She really** _ **really**_ **should be saying no, right now, she** _ **should**_ **be saying 'NO' to Addison…**

 **Because of** _ **Derek**_ **, of course… And the whole 'boyfriend' thing.** _ **AND**_ _**SHE'S HIS EX-WIFE!**_

 **But Meredith doesn't want to say 'no, anymore. She** _ **really**_ **wants to say 'YES!". S** _ **he does.**_

* * *

*****

*****

*****

*****

*****

******* END OF CHAPTER NINE**

* * *

_Author's Note 2:_

Apparently I really DO like a slow-burn.

Why I have so much to say about this suddenly, I have no freaking clue.

But I do, and there's probably more to come.

Do you want there to be a kiss scene for both of them? (Meredith and Addison, I mean…)

Something MORE than a kiss scene to happen between them?

A sex scene for them?

Both? Or All THREE?

Or maybe neither?

How do you feel about _adultery?_ (In the context of THIS fanfiction, I mean, not in general… That's a whole different story that I'm not asking about, here…)

Do you want a happy ending? If so, for whom (and whom?)

A sad ending? An unresolved, unrecruited, bittersweet ending?

I'm open to all the possibilities… But let me know your secret wishes for me in the comments…!

Take care,

 _bobbiejelly_.

Meanwhile, if you want, I just posted 2 new stories:

####  [McCravings](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24077548)

_McDreamy, McSteamy, McMeredith, and McHot all walk into a McDonalds. Hilarity ensues._

AND:

####  [After Italian](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24078883)

_Cristina Yang and Izzie Stevens hang out after their dinner date (but not their first date, ever,) at an Italian restaurant._

If you wanna check those stories out, be my guest, I'd love to know what you think about it all.

AND: of course, eventually, I will update another chapter of the 'masterwork':

####  [Falling Apart, Barely Breathing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

_In Which Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Things spiral from there. This is the story about what might have happened after Meredith asks Derek to "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me" but before he decides to do anything about it, and after SHE decides to do something about it._

Of which, there are a grand total of 37 Chapters on May 8, 2020.

And there's much more to come for that, someday.

So rest easy, folks, while you wait for the Tenth Chapter of "Soothe".

HAVE A GOOD ONE!

Leave a note if you can,

bobbiejelly


	10. Skydive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which Addison meets Meredith in a Bar… Or did she?

_Author's Note:_

Dedications: First of all, Kristin_Aubrie, Lydialyn, EmyLilas for commenting on Ao3! And itslexipedia for your AMAZING comments on Wattpad!

Now for the general dedications:

Ao3: seattlerain879, I_dont_have_time_for_this, Davedemoneon, lydialyn, Kristin_Aubrie, EmyLilas, tisziny, oliviajames, Hotgitay, Arissen, as well as 4 guests left kudos on this work!

Fanfiction: None so far; no reviews, no favs, no follows… It’s a little lonely here…Hellloooooo?

Wattpad: itslexipedia for your AMAZING comments, danielaperezsurga, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, Kennas_Backup00...

Also, so… This chapter has a vague allusion to my other work “Falling Apart, Barely Breathing”...

If you can figure that out let me know.

Otherwise, I apologize in advance at being this self-indulgent. *Smirks* OOPS!

_bobbiejelly_.

* * *

**_PREVIOUSLY ON "SOOTHE":_ **

* * *

**And Addison Montgomery says with her eyes ‘I am so, so, so, sorry, Meredith Grey...”**

**And Meredith says with her eyes “You have nothing to be sorry for,** **_you_ ** **did it all** **_right_ ** **”**

**And Addison says with her smile, “We should get a drink or something later, just US”**

**And Meredith says with** **_her_ ** **smile, “You know, we really, really should, if YOU, want to,”**

 **And when Addison nods up at her, back, then… Meredith** **_knows_ ** **that she’s asking for…**

**_Something else MORE than ‘just a drink’, now, to soothe her… Something else… Entirely._ **

**Meredith only has a split second to decide now; ‘in or out’, ‘up or down’, ‘yes or no’...**

**She really** **_really_ ** **should be saying no, right now, she** **_should_ ** **be saying ‘NO’ to Addison…**

 **Because of** ** _Derek_** **, of course… And the whole ‘boyfriend’ thing.** ** _AND_** **_SHE’S HIS EX-WIFE!_**

 **But Meredith doesn’t want to say ‘no, anymore. She** **_really_ ** **wants to say ‘YES!”. _S_** ** _he does._ **

* * *

_END OF FLASHBACK SEQUENCE._

* * *

**Soothe**

* * *

_In Which Meredith teaches Addison how to self-soothe._

_Before Meredith married Derek, and After she'd almost told Addison she liked her._

_F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. GA/PP Fanfiction._

_Set during GA - "Before After/An Honest Mistake & PP - Acceptance/Ex-Life. Rated M. _

_Inspired by "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by Illegal Kittens, "Blame Game" by LordOfLezzies, "All We Ever Are We Are" by SilverStarsAndMoons and “I’ll Feel Better When The Headaches Go Away” by StepIsInsanity._

* * *

**Chapter 10: Skydive**

* * *

_In Which Addison meets Meredith in a Bar… Or did she?_

* * *

1

Addison nods at Meredith’s nearly imperceptible nod of a “yes” directed at her in the O.R. She knows she’s won out in the end. They’ve been having this wordless conversation for the past two minutes, meanwhile, Derek is _still_ pumping on that poor woman’s chest now. And Meredith now sees Addison signaling for her to ‘do something’ about that because she is closer to him.

“ _Derek, it’s over_ , _it’s so, so over…”_ As Meredith says those words to her boyfriend, they all flashback to a memory of the last time Meredith said those bittersweet words to her then-boyfriend, breaking up with him at Cristina and Burke’s failed attempt at a wedding. And just like the last time, as she says the words, Meredith looks up at Addison who gives her a sad smile and nods.

Derek whimpers, extracting his hands from the bloody mess that is this patient’s body. Meredith still has the instinct to do _something_ for Derek. But she can’t exactly hug him or hold him while they are both covered in blood. So she reaches to put her two hands over his, squeezing through both of their two sets of gloves, because they already had blood on their hands anyhow.

Meredith feels Derek pull away from her. He doesn’t look Meredith in the eye, and he certainly doesn’t meet Addison in the eye because he’s still mad at her. So he just wordlessly extracts his hands from both Meredith’s hands and the body cavity and he walks away, then, from all of them. Derek throws his gloves in the trash can and starts scrubbing out with a huff. He’s angry.

Meredith knows that he’s angry. He’s angry at everyone, but he’s most angry at himself- for all of it. Meredith knows she should probably follow him, but she’s still thinking about Addison’s earlier implication that Derek might be saving a bad reaction to her own coming out for the two of them being together and somewhere in private. She’s too scared to go to the scrub room. Terrified.

And Meredith looks over at Addison, then, hoping for some sort of absolution that it’s okay for her to be not joining her now-boyfriend in the scrub room as he fumes angrily at the world and he curses and kicks at the wall and screams out it was all just “an honest mistake for fuck’s sake...” And Addison nods at her again. Addison and Meredith ‘talk’ a lot through their nods...

* * *

2

Meredith waits for Derek to leave before extracting her own hands from the body cavity. She knows she should scrub out, but she’s still frozen in place, eyeing the door in case Derek comes back to yell at _her_ or at _Addison_ or even just at the damn wall all again. And eventually, Addison must have figured that out because Addison goes into the scrub room first and starts washing her hands before looking up at Meredith to motion with her head to come to join her, now.

Somehow, Meredith sees that Addison knew _exactly_ what Meredith needed, even if Meredith didn’t know what she needed at all. It feels familiar as if the world had just set back into place. Earlier when Meredith had been the _first_ to ‘come out’ before Addison, it just seemed so unfamiliar and free-falling so now it felt right- for Addison to be leading again, Meredith following.

Meredith follows her into the scrub room, and has yet _another '_ where we are' moment because this is the scrub room where Addison had once said to her ‘I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want _me_ , Meredith, but if there’s the slightest chance that he does, then I’m not leaving Seattle…' And Addison must be remembering that, too, because she sighs, then, loudly. 

And Meredith sighs at her back- as if to show Addison she's remembering that, too. And then Meredith remembers another bitter memory she’s had in this room. This is the same room where she once yelled at Derek to ‘pick me, choose me, love me’ and he eventually did, but not before Meredith started to drink herself under the table on tequila at Joe’s, before being paged.

And Meredith feels like she should explain this to Addison like she explained that other 'where we are' moment to her. It feels like a _skydive_ because she knows it’s a big risk (unburying all this past for them both), and she’s not sure if Addison would forgive her for doing this a second time to her in less than twenty-four hours. But Addison is here, now. _She might never be again._

“This is where I told him, you know. Right here, in this damn room. I had almost forgotten about that, till today when I saw Derek kicking the wall. I asked him to love me more than he loved you. And he didn’t, then he did, or maybe he already did already but he didn’t make the right choice or he changed his mind? I really don't know. But it was here. I wanted you to know that”

* * *

3

And then Meredith hands her head and says that she’s “so, so, so, sorry Addison”. And then Meredith starts to cry because their patient just died, and Derek was just kicking and screaming, and she just shared something incriminating out loud again and she’s sure that Addison is going to teleport herself right back out of Seattle to get out of this rain cloud and away from all her _bullshit_.

Meredith seriously expects Addison to run away, but then again, running away is more _Meredith’s_ thing than _Addison’s_. Addison doesn’t run away, she doesn’t run away from Meredith, then. She doesn’t say ‘I accept your apology’ because she’s not ready to do that, yet. But she doesn’t run or hide. She stays there with Meredith and keeps washing the blood off her hands.

“Why are you staying?” Meredith asks her out loud. She’s asking her about _now_ , but Addison _knows_ Meredith better than Meredith even knows that _Addison still knows Meredith_. So Meredith sighs as she knows she’s implying another question here, the ‘why are you staying?” It is coming literally years and years too late when _she should have asked that when Derek was choosing_.

“I don’t know, Meredith, I didn’t know then, I don’t really now,” Addison answers both of her questions audibly because there’s no one in the room but the two of them. Meredith looks a bit shocked at this, shocked that Addison could read her so well and answer all of her questions so succinctly, at once. “Are you-” Meredith stops herself before saying ‘are you going to stay more.’

Addison seems to understand her, with just that, though, and she sighs and looks down at her feet at Merediths half-asked, half-baked question. Meredith realizes that Addison doesn’t even really know the answer to that now, and she feels like an idiot for bringing it up because it’s not even about _her_ she should be thinking about, it’s really Addison’s brother Archer, her _Archie…_

Archer is the reason she should be staying, not for Meredith or not-Meredith or Derek or not-Derek… Meredith figures this out and she tries to clarify her question to be something less stupid, but Addison stops her with the shake of her head, and Meredith isn’t so sure what that means. She’s not sure if it’s a ‘no’ to her question, her _stupid_ question, or it’s to shush her…

* * *

4

“I don’t know, Meredith,” Addison answers out loud to her not-so-stupid-question, maybe, if Addison interpreted it as it should have been as if she’d only asked if she would be staying as long as Archer was staying still in Seattle. “I don’t know why, either,” Addison says, addressing Meredith’s non-words and implication about why she’d be staying at all, or for longer, in Seattle.

Once they’re done scrubbing, Addison offers to take Meredith for a drink. She asks her out loud, this time because Derek isn’t here. And Meredith agrees as she did wordlessly the first time. And Addison slips on her coat, and Meredith goes to get hers. And Meredith realizes Addison doesn’t have a car here because she came in a freaking ambulance so she gets out her keys.

“Should we be taking a car to the bar?” Addison asks her, brushing Meredith’s hand as she asks this, and Meredith feels the heat of Addison’s palms radiating into her fingers. “Oh,” Meredith says because she realizes Addison is right, and they probably shouldn’t be driving unless one of them wanted to volunteer to DD, and neither of them really wanted to do that, right now. 

“I would-” Meredith motions to her keys, but rather reluctantly. “No, you deserve this,” Addison shakes her head and motions for Meredith to put her car keys back in her pocket. “We can walk there, I know Joe’s is close,” Addison suggests this to her as if Meredith hadn’t done this over thousands of times. “Right,” Meredith confirms, replacing her keys and walking with Addison.

When they get to the bar, Joe gives Meredith a tequila the moment she waves her hand up at him. Addison asks him for a “Cabernet Sauvignon” and Meredith squirms at how nice Addison sounds with a french accent. Drinks in hand, they sit down at the bar stools and drink up long and slow. They’re waiting for a minute to start talking because they’ve never done this before.

They’ve both been to Joe’s before, sure they’ve both had bad days. But those bad days at Joe’s have never been spent like this, in tandem, with each other, for reasons they both don’t want to dwell on now. So they sit there in silence for a bit until Addison starts talking, and Meredith listens intently. “You know, I wish I’d had come and told you, that night when you said that...”

  
  


* * *

5

Meredith thinks she knows what Addison is talking about, or at least her mind flickers to the night she waited at Joe’s for hours for Derek not to ever turn up. Then she got paged, and everyone got paged, and there were a train crash and two pregnancies, and Meredith had been drunk out of her mind. “I wish I’d had come and told you, that he wasn’t coming for you, then.”

Meredith is completely shocked at Addison’s own admission. And then she realizes the implications of Addison knowing she’d been waiting for him, then, and she pales at the thought. “He didn’t tell me everything you said to him, just that he was giving me another chance, and that he was eventually going to go tell you that at the bar, but he waited too long, I guess…”

Addison tells this story with a bit of an exasperated sigh, and when Meredith dares a look up at her, she realizes the exasperation isn’t directed at her but directed at _Derek_ , or at least, the Derek of their both mutual pasts. “I didn’t know that you knew all that,” Meredith says to her quietly. “Why-” Meredith starts to ask ‘why are you telling me all of this, now?’ and she doesn’t.

“Well, you’ve shared a lot of truths with me today, and I thought the least I could do is return the same favor,” Addison says to her simply, and Meredith almost laughs, thinking it all sounds so trivial, now. Meredith goes to speak again, but Addison has a lot more to say to her. “I should have let him go, stepped aside. I should have been a better person…” Addison sighs loudly.

“I should have done a lot of things…” Addison says this to Meredith sadly, not quite meeting her eyes, and not quite not-meeting-her-eyes, either. Meredith doesn’t know that she’s quoting herself, that she’s reciting a monologue she’s said before to her, years and years ago when she was on morphine. Meredith waits for her to say more, she doesn’t. “Me, too. A lot of things…”

Meredith says this, her response is genuine, but Addison looks completely shocked and it makes Addison squint at her, scrutinizing her expression in a way she doesn’t understand. “I don’t hate you, Meredith…” Addison continues in her monologue, barely responding to Meredith’s answer. “How come we’ve never talked like this before?” Meredith asks Addison, _now_.

* * *

6

Addison realizes that her earlier response to that question ‘The only reason we're talking like this now is that I know you won't remember any of it when the drugs wear off’ wouldn’t work here, because both her and Meredith are both only on their first drink and Addison wasn’t going to say _that_... “Sometimes, you know, sometimes I wish we had,” Addison admits to her, softly. 

_It’s an admission, and a powerful one, at that. But not an admission of déja-vu or of morphine._ At this, Meredith knows that Addison is referring to ‘back then’ when everything was different. She knows that Addison is admitting something significant to her, and she’s not really sure why. “You know, I live in LA, now, and I have the beach and the practice… But I have no one, now…”

Addison twirls the ice in her glass with her straw, sadly, and says “I have no idea how to cope”. And Meredith catches this, she understands what Addison was asking for; what she needs. “I guess you never really learned to self-soothe without alcohol. I can show you…” Meredith offers this to Addison, and Addison nods at her gratefully. They drink, but not too much more, now.

They sit together into the limelight and keep talking. Eventually, Meredith says “soon”. And Addison seems to pick up on the fact that Meredith means that ‘soon Meredith will show her how to self-soothe without alcohol’. Because currently they are self-soothing _with_ alcohol and that was enough for them both at the time. Drinking, this bar, the sitting- feels _enough for them_.

“Are you afraid of-” Addison cuts herself off before she finishes that sentence. It seems to be the theme of the day, or of their entire dynamic of the conversation. All of their phrases seem so unfinished but yet, so complete for them. They speak in the sparest way to convey their point, sometimes in a way that they hide the meaning from others, and especially to hide it from _him._

Meredith doesn’t mean to give Addison an answer, but she nods her head subconsciously and that makes Addison nod at her. Meredith realizes she’s nodding before she realizes that she accidentally answered Addison, just then, with her subconscious nod. “ **I told him not to hurt you, you know**. _I don’t remember when_ …” (Addison lies about that last part) “ **But I did**. _I’m so sorry_.”

* * *

**“** **It’s not your fault, you _tried,_** I mean I didn’t know that you asked that of him, but **thank you…** ” Says Meredith.

“I’m still sorry. I encouraged you to take him back at every occasion, for _you_ , not for _him_ …” Says Addison.

“Why do you care about me so much? Why don’t you hate me? What don’t I hate YOU?” Says Meredith.

“Well, I can’t answer that last one, but I’m glad I guess. And about the first part, I don’t know…” Says Addison.

**“Well, as I said, Addison. I will show you how to self-soothe. It’s the least I can do for you…” Says Meredith.**

**“** You don’t owe me anything, Meredith. You really don’t. But I’m saying yes because I need it…” Says Addison.

“I know you do. I see you all alone and it tears me in two. I don’t want you to be so damn lonely.” Says Meredith.

“Meredith, I’m a grownup, it’s really okay. Usually, I can handle myself, I have Archer and Nai...” Says Addison.

 **“** I know, but for a while, you looked like you might not have them anymore, and you’d be all-” Says Meredith.

**“All alone. I know. And I never knew I could be this lonely. But I am. So I’m accepting. Thanks.” Says Addison.**

* * *

*****

*****

*****

*****

*****

******* END OF CHAPTER TEN**

* * *

_Author's Note 2:_

Well, here’s another chapter and again, this is more of a slow-burn than I thought but I think things will ‘escalate’ in the next chapter if you can guess where I’m going with this. Let me know what you think, and what you might want to read next. And what you think about an affair… In the story; what do you think about this? Yes or NO? Think about it and let me know.

Your words mean so, so much to me.

Every single one.

Take care,

 _bobbiejelly_.

Ps. Thank you StephIsInsanity for “I'll Feel Better When the Headaches Go Away” which I often reference when I need the transcript of the morphine conversation, and I love their MerAdd interpretation. Have included it as an inspired work as well.

Meanwhile, if you want, I just posted 2 new updates on stories:

####  [ **McCravings** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24077548)

_McDreamy, McSteamy, McMeredith, and McHot all walk into a McDonalds. Hilarity ensues._

New Chapter 2 since yesterday!

####  [ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

_In Which Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Things spiral from there. This is the story about what might have happened after Meredith asks Derek to "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me" but before he decides to do anything about it, and after SHE decides to do something about it._

Of which, there are a grand total of 38 Chapters on May 9, 2020.

And there’s much more to come for that, someday.

So rest easy, folks, while you wait for the Eleventh Chapter of “Soothe”.

HAVE A GOOD ONE!

Leave a note if you can,

bobbiejelly


	11. $32.45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hours into the evening, Addison starts to look a bit plastered so Meredith calls her a cab to her hotel room. Meredith sort-of wants to go with her, or at least she wants to be sure she gets home safe, even if she doesn't ever set foot into the Archfield with Addison.

_Author's Note:_

Dedications for May 18, 2020 on Chapter 11:

Ao3: Kristin_Aubrie, Lydialyn, EmyLilas for commenting on this already. CPDLS, seattlerain879, I_dont_have_time_for_this, Davedemoneon, lydialyn, Kristin_Aubrie, EmyLilas, tisziny, oliviajames, Hotgitay, and Arissen as well as 6 guests left kudos on this work! 211 hits.

Fanfiction: faith3558 for the favorite. 483 hits.

Wattpad: itslexipedia, grapesanatomyedits, for the amazing comments on this one so far! And Ana_The_Heda who messaged me about 'being addicted to Soothe' which made my entire day. 57 votes. 402 hits.

_bobbiejelly._

* * *

**PREVIOUSLY ON "SOOTHE":**

* * *

Addison twirls the ice in her glass with her straw, sadly, and says "I have no idea how to cope". And Meredith catches this, she understands what Addison was asking for; what she needs. "I guess you never really learned to self-soothe without alcohol. I can show you…" Meredith offers this to Addison, and Addison nods at her gratefully. They drink, but not too much more, now.

**"Well, as I said, Addison. I will show you how to self-soothe. It's the least I can do for you…" Says Meredith.**

"You don't owe me anything, Meredith. You really don't. But I'm saying yes because I need it…" Says Addison.

"I know you do. I see you all alone and it tears me in two. I don't want you to be so damn lonely." Says Meredith.

"Meredith, I'm a grownup, it's really okay. Usually, I can handle myself, I have Archer and Nai..." Says Addison.

"I know, but for a while, you looked like you might not have them anymore, and you'd be all-" Says Meredith.

**"All alone. I know. And I never knew I could be this lonely. But I am. So I'm accepting. Thanks." Says Addison.**

* * *

_END OF FLASHBACK SEQUENCE._

* * *

**Soothe**

* * *

_In Which Meredith teaches Addison how to self-soothe._

_Before Meredith married Derek, and After she'd almost told Addison she liked her._

_F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. GA/PP Fanfiction._

_Set during GA - "Before After/An Honest Mistake & PP - Acceptance/Ex-Life. Rated M._

_Inspired by "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by lespians, "Blame Game" by LordOfLezzies, "All We Ever Are We Are" by SilverStarsAndMoons and "I'll Feel Better When The Headaches Go Away" by StepIsInsanity._

* * *

**Chapter 11: $32.45**

* * *

1

Hours into the evening, Addison starts to look a bit plastered so Meredith calls her a cab to her hotel room. Meredith sort-of wants to go with her, or at least she wants to be sure she gets home safe, even if she doesn't ever set foot into the Archfield with Addison. Meredith doesn't ask if this is the hotel Addison stayed in before when she lived in Seattle semi-permanently.

Addison tells her it is, though, as Meredith packs her into the backseat of the cab and gives the business card with the address to the driver because she's not so sure Addison won't slump over on her (the female cab driver) before they get to the hotel and she doesn't want them to get in an accident. Meredith is not sure why she's reassured it's not a male cab driver. But she is.

Addison seems to look relieved as well, even though she and Meredith both know that gay and bisexual women exist (seeing as between the two of them, there are well, two of them), but at least if god forbid in the highly unlikely situation this female cab driver tries to do something slutty with Addison that evening, she'll certainly have a leg up, literally, because she's so tall.

"I don't want you to leave me, now, here," Addison eventually blurts out, and it surprises Meredith and it seems to surprise Addison as well because she furrows her brow at herself when she says it, but then unfurrows it on second thought, after, in her drunken state, Meredith theorizes, she realizes she really does not want to be alone in this taxicab.

"Do you want me to- what? Come with you in the cab?" Meredith guesses, and, I suppose, also offers to Addison at the same time because Addison is vigorously nodding at Meredith now, as if to say 'please, yes, to all of the above'. And Meredith hates herself for doing what she does next, but she'd hate herself more for not doing it. So she nods and slides in the cab as well.

The ride over the overpass is chilly and not that long but not that short, either. Addison babbles on about how she always stays on the 22nd floor because of this weird superstition she has and it reminds Meredith of Addison's 'juju' preoccupation and she's even more glad than before that she never bought hot chocolate for Addison because it probably would have made her panic.

* * *

2

"That will be $32.45", the cab driver announces to them when they finally arrive underneath the arch of the Archfield. Meredith almost groans audibly and rolls her eyes at the obvious pun intended in the construction of this supposedly famous hotel. She's never been here, even though everyone she knows has (maybe that's precisely why). Addison tries, but Meredith pays.

Meredith pays the driver because 'Addison trying to pay for a cab' right now is more 'Addison flailing her purse around' and Meredith wants to save her the embarrassment of counting quarters out one by one. She wonders why Addison isn't offering one of her (probably) platinum-level credit cards to the driver, but then she thinks of card fraud and she understands.

Once the driver nods at them both, Meredith gets out first because she's closer to the door, but then she circles back because Addison still has not moved and seems to need help with the buckle. All of this makes Meredith worry over all the other times Addison might have been put in a cab after drinking at Joe's alone, and she wonders if she had anyone to help her back then.

There's a moment at the hotel lobby where Meredith thought Addison would say 'goodnight' or ask Meredith to leave or something. But she doesn't, she all but asks her to stay as Meredith feels Addison's arms wrapping around her shoulders, guiding her to the elevator and Meredith thinks she should really, really, probably be saying 'no' given Derek her now-boyfriend, and all.

But she can't seem to leave Addison alone when she's like this, and she prays that Derek will understand, seeing as he loved her once, too. And he's put her through hell and he's had a hard day himself so maybe his current girlfriend/ex-mistress and ex-wife are the last things on his mind, anyway. Meredith doesn't know, and she's not going to call him, now. So she just stays.

Addison leads them to her hotel room and she drops the card key at least three times. Meredith eventually picks it up the fourth time it drops and says "it's okay, you tried, you really tried, allow me," as she slides it into the reader. Addison nods and sighs sadly, looking like she feels embarrassed or dejected or remorseful that even a card reader doesn't work for her this evening.

* * *

3

"Do you want me to…?" Meredith stands there, holding Addison's key out to her once they are in Addison's hotel room at the Archfield on the 22nd floor. Meredith isn't exactly sure what she's asking here, nor what she isn't asking Addison, either. So she just stands there as Addison hangs her coat up as if she were not there before Addison turns back around to face her.

"Do you want a drink?" Addison asks Meredith, and Meredith almost laughs out loud that suddenly Addison feels the impulse to 'play hostess' to her just because they're in her hotel room after she'd been taking care of her for the past fifty minutes. "Water would be good, can you get us two glasses?" Meredith answers cleverly, knowing Addison won't this it for herself.

Meredith takes her own shoes and coats off as Addison nods to her and fetches them. They're not even plastic glasses, they are the fancy glass kind because this room is some sort-of penthouse suite and Meredith is still unsurprised. "I really do like it here," Addison muses, as she sips her own water and this makes Meredith smile. "This room? Or this hotel? Or what?"

"I guess all of the above, except not above or below, I mean I really do like the 22nd floor like I said because it's the best, ever," Addison drunkenly rambles and Meredith finds it so sweet that she wants to envelop Addison in a hug. But she doesn't because she's a little tipsy also and Addison is sort of gay and she's sort of gay and they're both sort of drunk and that's really bad.

"Stay over?" Addison asks her in two words. "Addison, I don't think that's a good idea," Meredith begins in a delicate voice, not wanting to upset her or for her to feel rejected. "Why? You're already here now and I don't wanna be alone," Addison continues. "Naomi was supposed to stay with me, that's why it's a double room but she's with my brother, Archer, Archie…"

"Addison, you're a whole lot drunk, and I'm a bit drunk, and we're both more than a little bit gay, and that's a bad situation waiting to happen and I don't want to do that to you, I don't want to do anything to you that you'll regret. I don't want to hurt you," Meredith says to her so, so, so tenderly. "Just stay over, please, in Naomi's bed she's never used, ever. Please just don't go."

* * *

4

Addison's eyes are wide and she's so vulnerable and she looks so scared and frightened of possibly being abandoned. Meredith doesn't know if this is a conscious thing, the things that she's saying specifically to her; Meredith doesn't know if somehow, Addison is saying this because Addison knows that her worst fears are all about being lonely and abandoned, as well...

But either way, it's wearing her down, it's wearing Meredith down because she really is tired, and she's also a bit drunk herself, and Addison looks terrified she'll leave and she doesn't want to hurt her, she just wants to help soothe her in any way that she can. So Meredith finally takes a deep breath and nods slowly, deciding that since Addison said nothing about the 'gay' part…

That maybe this wouldn't be an issue for them, tonight, after all. "Do you need me to help you with anything, to help you get to bed and get to sleep?" Meredith offers her, and Addison asks her to just get ready for bed herself so she can turn the lights off once they both are finished. So Meredith does, and thankfully the hotel room already has an extra toothbrush and toothpaste.

Of course, it does, it's some sort of penthouse suite, and this room had been intended for Addison and Naomi, so Meredith supposes she's using Naomi Bennett's intended new toothbrush and toothpaste, even though, as Addison mentioned before, Naomi's never actually slept here before, and the toothbrush was fresh out of the plastic wrap as was the toothpaste.

But the symbolism doesn't leave Meredith, as she brushes her teeth and lets it sink in that she's literally and figuratively now 'Naomi's replacement'. She's now, more than ever, Addison's transplanted friend, a replacement for the 'real thing' because her best friend is now probably fucking her brother, and Addison definitely doesn't want to think or talk about that situation.

So Meredith just keeps getting ready for bed, washing her face with one of Addison's extremely fancy face cleansers and moisturizers because Addison called out to her earlier "just use whatever you want in the bathroom, we have about the same skin tone so it should all work for you. That face cream is really nice. I think that you'll like it, it's from Paris, as is the cleanser…"

* * *

5

And Meredith tries really hard not to giggle out loud that Addison is trying to give her aesthetic advice about beauty products while she's drunkenly trying to get her pajamas on and swearing loudly as she ends up putting the pants part on backward. Meredith finishes drying her face and applying body butter to her dry skin. She selects one at random because there are seven.

And then she just waits for Addison, who is now at war with her tank top, which Meredith only knows because Addison is yelling out "come on, arm, you're supposed to go in there!" and Meredith tries very, very hard not to picture a half-naked Addie yelling at herself in the mirror, because the thought is just too breathtakingly sweet to imagine. She sort of succeeds. Sort of.

"Are you completely dressed, Addison?" Meredith calls out behind the closed bathroom door. "Yeah, I am. Wait. Yes, I am. Thanks," Addison promises this time, and Meredith waits for another minute just to be sure. And sure enough, Addison is dressed in a pajama tank top and pajama pants that are all salmon-colored like the scrubs she used to wear to the NICU ward.

"Do you want some pajamas?" Addison asks Meredith because Meredith is still wearing her clothes from earlier on in the evening. "Oh, if you don't mind," Meredith meets Addison's eyes as she sees that she really does want to offer her this and that it would ease Addison's mind that she's comfortable. "Alright, sure," Meredith finally completely accepts Addison's offer, now.

Luckily, it doesn't take Addison long to find a suitable pair, as she states in her still-tipsy state that "blue is your color, because it matches your eyes," to Meredith, and Meredith completely melts at the compliment but tries not to show it. "Thanks, Addison, really..." she says shyly, turning away from Addison as she heads to the bathroom to change out of Addison's eyesight.

Eventually, they are both completely ready for bed, and Meredith makes Addison drink another half glass of water and then use the washroom before she starts tucking her in. "Is there anything else you usually do before bed? Do you need an aspirin or anything?" Meredith offers Addison before she realizes she doesn't even have any. "That's okay," Addison smiles. "I'm ok."

* * *

6

So Meredith shuts the lights off and tucks Addison into one of the king-sized beds that she's clearly already slept in. It's absurd that this room has not one but two king-sized beds, but also not surprising at all, given Addison. "This hotel loves me, you know they gave me a coupon…"Addison trails off as she curls up to her pillow, facing Meredith in the limelight.

Meredith doesn't ask Addison to elaborate what kind of coupon that is or was, as she ensures for the third time the door is bolted shut and the 'do not disturb' sign is on the outside of the door. Meredith reluctantly sets an alarm for the next morning, for her work. She hopes she doesn't wake Addison up when she has to leave early because Addison looks really tired.

Addison looks so lonely over there in the middle of the big bed by herself. And all Meredith wants is to curl in behind her and spoon into her and cuddle her to sleep and kiss her goodnight. But she knows she can't do any of that, not even one little piece of it. Already, the staying over part and the 'tucking Addison in' part and the shared cab and the drinks is way, way too much.

It's definitely crossing a million lines, definitely something she should probably go to confession for. Definitely something that verges on cheating on her now-boyfriend who used to be her ex-boyfriend after she found out she was really Derek's ex-mistress and not then-girlfriend while Derek was Addison's then-husband and he is now Addison's ex-husband. Is it cheating on him?

Meredith tries to think that it isn't, she tries to wrack her brain on all the things she could say to Derek about this, that it was a favor for him, also, that she 'was taking care of Addison Forbes Montgomery to take her off his plate' as he went into the woods in his trailer on his land, probably, to drink the night and day away after his 'fucking honest mistake'. Meredith ISN'T cheating...

Meredith hasn't kissed Addison. She hasn't touched her at all, save for helping her into the elevator and she tucked her in over the covers. She hadn't slept with her, literally or not. She hadn't crawled into bed with her. She hadn't taken advantage of her drunken state (Meredith would never do that to someone, despite letting many boys and even girls do that to a drunken Mer...)

* * *

**As Addison falls asleep in the limelight while Meredith stays awake to hear her breathing,**

**Meredith thinks of all the rhymes and reasons she isn't cheating on Derek with Addison.**

**But the problem with this line of thought is that she realizes she's extremely tempted.**

**She knows it's a cliché, to be tempted by a woman people called 'Satan' and 'Whore'.**

**Meredith knows that people called Addison the 'go-to for adultery' and also, her, that, too.**

**And Meredith wishes somehow she could just think of Addison platonically, as a friend.**

**Then this mess wouldn't be a problem at all; then it would be no different than 'a friend'.**

**She napped in bed with Cristina and Izzie and other female friends- just as friends, no more.**

**But this is different- because she's had a crush on Addison all those years ago, and still now.**

**Meredith hates herself for all this as she watches Addison fall asleep, yet Meredith doesn't. (She _can't_.)**

* * *

*****

*****

*****

*****

*****

******* END OF CHAPTER ELEVEN**

* * *

_Author's Note 2:_

Here's another update of this work. Other than "Falling Apart, Barely Breathing", I think this work, "Soothe", is my favorite MerAdd story of my own. It's all angsty and self-denial and self-hatred. And it's all about comfort and friendship and really messed-up, entangled lives.

This Chapter here has been a delight to write, and in a way, this story is in dichotomy to "FABB" because the events are sometimes synchronistic with each other, with reference to that other work, but never exact parallels or the same. (I do my best not to write doubles!).

Let me know what you think about this, and where it might be, headed. I hope I've maintained the subtle vibes for you as this becomes another slow, slow burn. And maybe this won't have a happy ending, I've toyed with that idea before. Or maybe it will? I have no idea. Let me know!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

_And of course, other recently updated MerADD stuff to read while you wait for another update:_

[ **Ultimate Revenge** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24252541)

"Addison" Meredith whispers into her ear. "I know how we both can get back at Derek". MerAdd.

Mer asks Derek how he pleasured Addie in Bed, and then Meredith does. Meddison. Rated E.

From the MerAdd Prompts Consultation Collection, Part 1.

[ **Confessions of a Workaholic: Addison and Meredith's Story(s).** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24238420)

How Addison Montgomery finally realizes she had fallen in love with Meredith Grey forever ago.

And how Meredith Grey realizes she could finally, actually, just love Addison Montgomery back.

Set following the events of GA-S07-E15, 'Song Beneath The Song'. MerAdd. Meddison. Also Calzona.

Rated E for Explicit, probably. MerDer to MerAdd. How Derek Found Out. Eventual Happy Ending(s).

[ **Chief Montgomery's Seductress** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24115456)

In Which Addison is named Chief of Surgery of SGH, and Meredith, her girlfriend, rewards her.

Based on the 'Chief Shepherd' scene with Derek in GA-6x20, (but without the Derek part!)

. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. Rated E for Explicit. Office Sex.

Inspired by "Chief Shepherd's Seduction by Kate MB on Fanfiction... Here's a lesbian version ;)

[ **McCravings** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24077548)

McDreamy, McSteamy, McMeredith, and McHot all walk into a McDonalds. Hilarity ensues.

New Chapter 3 recently!

[ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

In Which Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Things spiral from there. This is the story about what might have happened after Meredith asks Derek to "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me" but before he decides to do anything about it, and after SHE decides to do something about it.

Of which, there are a grand total of 43 Chapters on May 18, 2020.

And there's much more to come for that, someday.

So rest easy, folks, while you wait for the Eleventh Chapter of "Soothe".

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

**THANKS FOR READING "SOOTHE," SPEAK WITH ME IN THE COMMENTS? PLEASE :D**

* * *

_Author's Note 3:_

Well, that's all for now, folks, unfortunately, I must say.

Thanks of course for reading, I will chat with you soon in the comments.

Much love and yours, truly,

bobbiejelly

[ **bobbiejelly** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	12. Room Service

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meredith Grey comforts Addison Montgomery- who wakes up riddled with nightmares.

_Author's Note:_

Dedications for May 18, 2020 on Chapter 12:

Ao3: Kristin_Aubrie, Lydialyn, EmyLilas for commenting on this already. CPDLS, seattlerain879, I_dont_have_time_for_this, Davedemoneon, lydialyn, Kristin_Aubrie, EmyLilas, tisziny, oliviajames, Hotgitay, and Arissen as well as 6 guests left kudos on this work! 219 hits so far.

Fanfiction: faith3558 for the favorite. 530 views so far.

Wattpad: naylorholby for commenting right away on Chapter 11. Also, itslexipedia and cossmo for doing the same. Those two plus danielaperezsurga for already favoriting Chapter 11. And also on past chapters; grapesanatomyedits, for the amazing comments on this one so far! And Ana_The_Heda who messaged me about 'being addicted to Soothe' which made my entire day. 426 reads so far.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

_PREVIOUSLY ON "SOOTHE":_

* * *

**As Addison falls asleep in the limelight while Meredith stays awake to hear her breathing,**

**Meredith thinks of all the rhymes and reasons she isn't cheating on Derek with Addison.**

**But the problem with this line of thought is that she realizes she's extremely tempted.**

**She knows it's a cliché, to be tempted by a woman people called 'Satan' and 'Whore'.**

**Meredith knows that people called Addison the 'go-to for adultery' and also, her, that, too.**

**And Meredith wishes somehow she could just think of Addison platonically, as a friend.**

**Then this mess wouldn't be a problem at all; then it would be no different than 'a friend'.**

**She napped in bed with Cristina and Izzie and other female friends- just as friends, no more.**

**But this is different- because she's had a crush on Addison all those years ago, and still now.**

**Meredith hates herself for all this as she watches Addison fall asleep, yet Meredith doesn't. (She** _**can't** _ **.)**

* * *

_END OF FLASHBACK SEQUENCE._

* * *

**Soothe**

* * *

_In Which Meredith teaches Addison how to self-soothe._

_Before Meredith married Derek, and After she'd almost told Addison she liked her._

_F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. GA/PP Fanfiction._

_Set during GA - "Before After/An Honest Mistake & PP - Acceptance/Ex-Life. Rated M._

_Inspired by "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by lespians, "Blame Game" by LordOfLezzies, "All We Ever Are We Are" by SilverStarsAndMoons and "I'll Feel Better When The Headaches Go Away" by StepIsInsanity._

* * *

**Chapter 12: Room Service**

* * *

_Meredith Grey comforts Addison Montgomery- who wakes up riddled with nightmares._

* * *

1

"HELP! HELP! HELP! AHHHHHHHH-" Meredith wakes up to Addison screaming in her sleep and she jumps up and jumps right out of bed. Meredith can see that Addison is still not awake, and she watches for an instant to see if she'll settle. She isn't, though; Meredith can still hear Addison's blood-curdling screams two minutes later and she can't stand to see Addison suffer.

So Meredith ventures over to the other king-sized bed in Addison's hotel room on the 22nd floor of the Archfield as she moves to calm Addie down from her horrible nightmares. Normally, Meredith hypotheizes, if she were to comfort a friend in this state, she would do so from the edge of the bed. But of course, 'normally' doesn't seem to apply here as the beds are too huge.

The only way Meredith can get close enough to comfort the waiting Addison is to crawl onto her bed right beside her, and Meredith does this because Addison is swearing in her sleep now and Meredith is afraid they'll get calls about a noise complaint. When Meredith gets closer, she debates whether to try to talk or just to rub Addison's back, and she eventually does the second.

Meredith is relieved when this seems to work wonders, because Addison's screaming stops being so loud until it's only a whisper as she strokes Addison's back and her shoulders in endless circles and patterns that seem to soothe her out of the nightmares. Meredith curses how much she enjoys the warmth of Addison's body so close and how much she enjoys this.

She really does enjoy just holding Addison, just this little bit as she watches Addison's breathing de-escalate and returns to even. Meredith watches the furrow untighten on Addison's face and all her muscles relax after the episode. Meredith imagines the nightmares are terrible as she waits for her brother's in the hospital. Meredith had nightmares from her mother's hospitalization.

So she stays right beside her, resting her back and her head against the headboard as she smoothes even hands over Addison's head now, soothing her hair back from her face and running her fingers slowly until Addison has fully drifted back into a sweeter kind of sleep. Meredith tries to pull away at times, but Addison must sense it because she whines at her.

* * *

2

Eventually, Addison dozes off so soundly she doesn't notice when Meredith slips away to the other bed (Naomi's bed that she's apparently never been in…). Meredith tries to get some sleep, now, because it's really, really late and she still has to work tomorrow. She doesn't want to work, but of course, she has to. So Meredith does her best to self-soothe and gets shut-eye.

The next thing that Meredith notices is Addison padding around the room getting some water. It's earlier than Meredith's alarm because she checks her phone and it hasn't gone off yet. Addison hasn't noticed she's awake yet, and Meredith is debating just going back to bed after her own near-sleepless night. She smiles when she sees Addison is well-rested, though. A lot.

There are a few text messages on Meredith's phone, and she reads these quietly as Addison searches for her glasses which she eventually remembers having used the night before. One of Meredith's texts is from Alex Karev, asking for a shift switch, for him to take tomorrow off instead of today, and for Meredith to take today off and work the next day. Meredith texts him back 'yes'.

And then Meredith switches her alarm off and her phone off and goes back to sleep, hoping that Addison has not noticed that she'd been awake at all. As Meredith drifts off, she realizes maybe she shouldn't have just given herself potentially an entire day to spend with Addison. She realizes perhaps she's done this on purpose, just to take advantage before Addie leaves for LA.

Meredith tries to convince herself it's just because she's had an almost extremely sleepless night. But then again, the reason she's had such a rough night without sleep is that she's been soothing Addison Montgomery though her nightmares, so this train of thought doesn't assuage her guilt, either. Meredith also realizes she has no text messages from Derek, at all.

She thinks she should be offended, Derek is her now-boyfriend, after all. But Meredith doesn't feel offended, she feels completely relieved that he doesn't seem to be noticing she's not 'home' with him. Not that she's moved in with him to the trailer, at all. She probably wouldn't, ever, move into a trailer for him. Not even if she marries him, which Meredith realizes is still an issue.

* * *

3

The sleep eventually does come, though, for Meredith as well as Addison, who Meredith notices as Addison pads back to bed after she's had the water. This time, Meredith has fallen asleep first, so she has no idea how long after that Addison has. She just knows that Addison had fallen asleep again after her; Meredith doesn't remember watching Addie fall asleep this time around.

Addison must have let Meredith sleep in for ages because she's fully dressed when Meredith comes to and can smell something wonderful being brought into the room. "Breakfast?" Addison says to her in a cheerful voice, and Meredith's eyebrows arch up as she opens her eyes again and sees that, apparently, room service arrived. "My treat, of course, have something to eat."

"Oh," Meredith sits up, rubbing her eyes as she takes in the elaborate platter that is hers and Addison's breakfast. "You didn't have to-" Meredith tries to say this but Addison cuts her off with the shake of her head. "You got me home in one piece, it's the least I can do. Plus, I mean you paid for the cab ride home yesterday, right?" Addison assures her and Meredith just nods back.

Meredith is at least relieved that Addison had not been drunk enough to have blacked out last night, because the last thing she wanted to go through would be to fill Addison in on an entire night she might never remember, and why she might have spent it with her ex-husband's now-girlfriend, aka her, aka Meredith Grey. Meredith is _very_ happy that Addison remembers…

Meredith wonders if Addison remembers the nightmares, as she moves to crawl out of 'her' bed in the room and move over to the kitchen table (because this penthouse suite has an entire kitchen including a real table, with plates and cutlery and everything). She doesn't want to ask Addison, though, because she doesn't want her to be frightened again, so she doesn't say that.

"So I take it you don't have to work today, or are you just playing hooky?" Addison teases Meredith, and Meredith finds this a bit jarring, but mostly incredibly comforting that just a few hours of deep sleep have put Addison in such a chipper mood. "No, I don't have work today, Alex needed me to switch shifts so I'm working tomorrow, and now is my day off," she says.

* * *

4

Meredith tries not to be over delighted that Addison seems to be really happy about this simple fact, as Meredith watches Addison smile widely and keep crunching on her bacon and eggs as she passes Meredith more toast and strawberry jam. Having this simple time to do normal things together- okay, 'normal for Addison', because eating room service, isn't, for Meredith.

Addison doesn't seem to pick up on this, though, as she takes small sips of orange juice and continues explaining the meal to Meredith, who is astounded at how the fruit in the fruit bowl is all carved in perfect sphere shapes. "They use a melon baller," Addison smiles. "Is that some sort of surgical instrument?" Meredith asks. Addison laughs, but Meredith's not even kidding.

"We grew up in totally different universes," Meredith says now, because apparently Addison eats food shaped by a 'melon baller' on a regular basis while Meredith has never even heard of such a thing. "Well, I guess. I mean, Connecticut is different from Seattle and Boston and Hanover," Addison shrugs and Meredith is extremely surprised Addison knows all the places she's lived.

Meredith doesn't press further, not wanting to talk about money again with Addison, now. So she just smiles and nods as she dives into the spherical fruit and she gushes a little that maybe 'all fruits taste better when shaped like little marbles of gumballs'. Meredith is eating as slowly as she can, now, because she selfishly doesn't want to leave, and after this, she might have to.

"You don't have to leave after breakfast," Addison offers, as if reading Meredith's mind. Meredith is not sure if she's offering this just to be polite, or because she remembers how Meredith had been concerned that Derek might lash out at her, or because Addison is worried about Derek being hurt or angry or who-knows-what after his slip-up in the O.R the other day. Or all of that.

"Oh," Meredith answers accidentally out loud, as she contemplates all of her options. She's still avoiding Derek for all of the reasons Addison probably thinks that she is, but also because she realizes she's not really in love with him, at least not anymore. Also because she knows he has a ring for her, and she doesn't know how to let him down easy, yet, and if she's strong enough.

* * *

5

"You can stay for a while, really, It's no trouble… And, I guess I selfishly don't want you to leave quite yet," Addison eventually stutters out, as she meets Meredith's eye for a split second before batting it away to her coffee cup. And then Meredith realizes she might still be in need of some comfort- for Archer, for her lack-of-Naomi, and also just in general, because she's all alone.

"I'll stay for a while, then, why not?" Meredith finally offers, because she doesn't want to make Addison say that she wants her to directly, because she knows that might hurt Addison and make her say something desperate that she doesn't want to, and also because Meredith knows her heart can't take Addison really wanting her, even just as a friend, if she can't even have her.

"Great, do you want to hang out here? Or around Seattle? Or what do you do on your days off?" Addison trails off, and for a split-second Meredith has the instinct to offer to show Addison around the space needle or something, seeing as she's here for a short stay in a hotel room. Meredith facepalms internally at the thought because Addison once lived here; she's not a real tourist.

Addison seems to read Meredith's answer to be something close to 'maybe not leaving this little bubble seems nice now', plus Meredith figures that Addison is probably thinking that if they leave now, they'll have no excuse not to visit Archer, and Addison seems to want a break from the hospital because her personal life and her work life and all of her past-lives are there, now.

"Do you want to watch something on television?" Addison eventually asks Meredith, because she's not really sure what else they might do after breakfast, and Meredith tries not to leap at this because there's nothing more than she's always wanted to do than to sit and watch television or movies with Addison while keeping her warm and happy as she reads a novel.

Meredith's body betrays her though, because she's nodding before she even realizes she's nodding. And Addison is smiling at her and it seems so carefree and genuine. And Meredith realizes that even if she's just a stand-in for Naomi, now, that Addison must have been missing just hanging out with her best friend over movies since her brother claimed her best friend.

* * *

6

"Any preferences?" Addison asks Meredith as she expertly maneuvers the television remote. "Anything but that new really popular show about the super-hot female serial killer and the MI6 spy," Meredith mumbles. "Why not?" Addison asks her, intrigued about this suddenly. "I heard it's really popular among the lesbians," Addison teases, and Meredith stiffens then relaxes.

"The main character that's not the serial killer, that's the woman spy, she looks _exactly_ like my best friend and twisted sister and my _person,_ Cristina, and it freaks me out every time," Meredith blurts out, a bit embarrassed until Addison searches this up on her phone and exclaims "Wow, oh my goodness, she totally does look like Yang!" Addison exclaims and agrees it's creepy.

Meredith is extremely relieved that Addison never says to her 'you should call Derek' or suggests that she text him. She's extremely relieved that Addison never brings up their mutual Derek, at all, the entire morning. So Meredith just takes this for what it is, that Addison probably doesn't want to talk about anything heavy at all, and Meredith just basks in for what it's worth.

"Have you watched Orange? I'm in the middle of it. That's also great for lesbians," Addison smiles, and Meredith reddens at Addison mentioning "lesbians" again while they're both _in a bedroom._ Fuck, Meredith tries to get herself together to stop blushing so hard, but luckily for her, Addison takes her blushing as her being embarrassed about watching the show, just in general.

"Yeah, I like that show," Meredith finally admits because she's suddenly nervous that Addison might suggest they watch "The L Word" together if she doesn't agree and she's not sure she could watch an entire episode about none other than girl-on-girl with Addison Montgomery without internally combusting and/or potentially jumping her current boyfriend's ex-wife.

Not jumping Addison proves to be hard enough as they start at the beginning of the series and the main two characters 'Alex' and 'Piper' are two girls kissing under the shower in the first thirty seconds of Addie pressing the 'start' button on the remote, and Meredith is trying very, very hard not to keep staring at Addison biting her lip subconsciously as she watches the blonde actress.

* * *

" **Here, come here, come keep me warm," Addison motions for Meredith to come closer.**

**It's all Meredith has ever fantasized about Addison saying to her, and it's wonderful…**

**But also incredibly guilt-ridden because Meredith can't stop her own self-hatred at all.**

" **It's okay, you're okay," Addison soothes her, thinking incorrectly she's stressed out.**

" **Okay," Meredith eventually lets herself do this, because 'just friends' do that, right?...**

" **I promise I won't take advantage of you," Addison eventually reads her whole mind.**

" **How would YOU be the one taking advantage of ME?" Meredith asks, rather startled.**

" **Well, I used to be your boss and Attending, and I'm older, and you're hot and here now."**

" **Hypothetically, wouldn't I be taking advantage of YOU?" Meredith asks Addie right back.**

" **Nah," Addison laughs. Addison cuddles Mer into her, and Meredith melts even more.**

* * *

*****

*****

*****

*****

*****

******* END OF CHAPTER ELEVEN**

* * *

_Author's Note 2:_

Thought we deserved some fluff in this one after all of that angst. The feedback for 'drunk Addie' was also super-super positive, and therefore I wanted to continue along the cuteness line.

How OOC do we want to go here? Do we want to have an affair between Mer and Addie?

Let me know because I'm still on the fence about this one. Thoughts?

Also about intimacy: Do you want sexual things in this fic or no? Actual sex? Kissing?

Also very interested in the reader comments on those very pertinent questions… Help!

Ps. Yes, there are some allusions to my other favorite TV shows, "Killing Eve" and "Orange Is The New Black" and "The L Word" because they are super, super, super gay (lesbians!). Thought these deserved the shout-outs, and I have an insufferable thing for leaning into the fourth wall mentioning 'resemblances' between Eve Polastri and Cristina Yang. Apologies. LOL.

* * *

_And of course, other recently updated MerADD stuff to read while you wait for another update:_

####  [ **Ultimate Revenge** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24252541)

_"Addison" Meredith whispers into her ear. "I know how we both can get back at Derek". MerAdd._

_Mer asks Derek how he pleasured Addie in Bed, and then Meredith does. Meddison. Rated E._

_From the MerAdd Prompts Consultation Collection, Part 1._

####  [ **Confessions of a Workaholic: Addison and Meredith's Story(s).** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24238420)

_How Addison Montgomery finally realizes she had fallen in love with Meredith Grey forever ago._

_And how Meredith Grey realizes she could finally, actually, just love Addison Montgomery back._

_Set following the events of GA-S07-E15, 'Song Beneath The Song'. MerAdd. Meddison. Also Calzona._

_Rated E for Explicit, probably. MerDer to MerAdd. How Derek Found Out. Eventual Happy Ending(s)._

####  [ **Chief Montgomery's Seductress** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24115456)

_In Which Addison is named Chief of Surgery of SGH, and Meredith, her girlfriend, rewards her._

_Based on the 'Chief Shepherd' scene with Derek in GA-6x20, (but without the Derek part!)_

_. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. Rated E for Explicit. Office Sex._

_Inspired by "Chief Shepherd's Seduction by Kate MB on Fanfiction... Here's a lesbian version ;)_

####  [ **McCravings** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24077548)

_McDreamy, McSteamy, McMeredith, and McHot all walk into a McDonalds. Hilarity ensues._

New Chapter 3 recently!

####  [ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

_In Which Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Things spiral from there. This is the story about what might have happened after Meredith asks Derek to "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me" but before he decides to do anything about it, and after SHE decides to do something about it._

Of which, there are a grand total of 43 Chapters on May 18, 2020.

And there’s much more to come for that, someday.

_So rest easy, folks, while you wait for the Thirteenth Chapter of “Soothe”._

* * *

**THANKS FOR READING “SOOTHE,” SPEAK WITH ME IN THE COMMENTS? PLEASE :D**

* * *

_Author’s Note 3:_

Well, that’s all for now, folks, unfortunately, I must say.

Thanks of course for reading, I will chat with you soon in the comments.

Much love and yours, truly,

bobbiejelly

###  [ **bobbiejelly** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	13. Bubble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You know, this is nice, this little bubble, right now…”

_Author's Note:_

Dedications for May 19, 2020 on Chapter 13:

Ao3: Kristin_Aubrie, Lydialyn, EmyLilas for commenting on this already. TheNetflixGal, CPDLS, seattlerain879, I_dont_have_time_for_this, Davedemoneon, lydialyn, Kristin_Aubrie, EmyLilas, tisziny, oliviajames, Hotgitay, and Arissen as well as 6 guests left kudos on this work! 253 Hits!

Fanfiction: faith3558 for the favorite. 557 Hits!

Wattpad: naylorholby for commenting on Chapter 12 and helping me through this process, as well as Addiesrep. Also, itslexipedia, grapesanatomyedits, for the amazing comments on previous chapters! And Ana_The_Heda who messaged me about 'being addicted to Soothe' which made my entire day. And danielaperezsurga and outlawqueenpercabeth, new_being, who always follow along with the stars! 493 views and 76 stars!

 _bobbiejelly_.

* * *

_PREVIOUSLY ON "SOOTHE":_

* * *

" **Here, come here, come keep me warm," Addison motions for Meredith to come closer.**

**It's all Meredith has ever fantasized about Addison saying to her, and it's wonderful…**

**But also incredibly guilt-ridden because Meredith can't stop her own self-hatred at all.**

" **It's okay, you're okay," Addison soothes her, thinking incorrectly she's stressed out.**

" **Okay," Meredith eventually lets herself do this, because 'just friends' do that, right?...**

" **I promise I won't take advantage of you," Addison eventually reads her whole mind.**

" **How would YOU be the one taking advantage of ME?" Meredith asks, rather startled.**

" **Well, I used to be your boss and Attending, and I'm older, and you're hot and here now."**

" **Hypothetically, wouldn't I be taking advantage of YOU?" Meredith asks Addie right back.**

" **Nah," Addison laughs. Addison cuddles Mer into her, and Meredith melts even more.**

* * *

_END OF FLASHBACK SEQUENCE._

* * *

**Soothe**

* * *

_In Which Meredith teaches Addison how to self-soothe._

_Before Meredith married Derek, and After she'd almost told Addison she liked her._

_F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. GA/PP Fanfiction._

_Set during GA - "Before After/An Honest Mistake & PP - Acceptance/Ex-Life. Rated M._

_Inspired by "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by lespians, "Blame Game" by LordOfLezzies, "All We Ever Are We Are" by SilverStarsAndMoons and "I'll Feel Better When The Headaches Go Away" by StepIsInsanity._

* * *

**Chapter 12: Bubble**

* * *

" _You know, this is nice, this little bubble, right now…"_

* * *

1

They watch half of the first season before either of them stirs at all. Meredith has seen it already, but Addison hasn't, so she's transfixed at the screen as the drama unfolds. Meredith sighs as Addison pulls her closer. Addison has hand her arms around Meredith since the beginning, and now Meredith is leaning into Addison's front while Addison is leaning against the headboard.

It feels like an incredible bear hug and Meredith lets herself get lost in it for a while as she can feel Addison relaxing and enjoying the day away. Neither of them wants to let go, but they're getting hungry again and Addison explains to Meredith she still has an incredibly fast metabolism because of running, and something to do with 'green juice', Addison adds as well.

Meredith passes Addison the room service menu from the table before crawling back onto Addison's bed next to her. "Come, closer Meredith, you're too far away to snuggle!" Addison protests and Meredith notes that the whines sound almost identical to the ones Addison expressed in her sleep when she momentarily stopped stroking Addison's hair the night before.

"It's okay, I don't bite, I promise," Addison says gently, and this makes everything worse for Meredith because it sends her thinking of Addison nipping at her neck and it's making her hot. Meredith crawls slowly over to Addison, hoping her heart rate isn't a total giveaway of what just flashed through her mind because that would be a rather awkward discussion to have right now.

Meredith notices that Addison is now fixated on the dinner options, though (they skipped lunch because they slept so late so their breakfast was actually brunch). "Do you like spaghetti?" Addison offers, and Meredith seems to guess from her expression it's probably Addison's favorite. "Yeah," Meredith smiles as she makes her way to tuck into Addison's arms again.

"Here, pass me my phone, I'll call for it," Meredith offers, as Addison goes to protest stating that "dinner is more expensive than breakfast" and Meredith just says that "Addison, you paid for the room and that's most expensive, and I know it was for Naomi but anyway it's no big deal, I'm not a first-year intern anymore, my pay scale did go up every year I worked at Seattle Grace!"

* * *

2

Meredith relaxes when Addison eventually nods at her and Meredith orders two plates of spaghetti with garlic bread and also a chocolate dessert. "Any work calls?" Addison asks nervously, asking implicitly about her brother but also about whether or not Meredith might suddenly have to leave for the hospital. "Nothing," Meredith smiles. And then Addison smiles.

Meredith doesn't know if Addison has caught on that the 'nothing' also means that there's nothing from Derek. But Meredith doesn't want to bring this up (yet?) so she just slides her phone onto the table and Addison asks her if she wants to keep watching the show. "Can we just talk for a bit? I think I'm going a bit cross-eyed from six hours of tv at a time," Meredith asks.

And Addison nods at her and uses the remote to just set some low background music on. "What's on your mind?" Addison asks tenderly, knowing that Meredith has been focused on mostly her problems as of late. Meredith has to fight all instincts not to blurt out ' _Derek has a ring, and I don't love him anymore and I don't wanna be Meredith Shepherd, AND I like you'._

"It's Derek, isn't it?" Addison runs her hands over Meredith's hair as she says this in a concerned tone. Meredith jumps a bit, but Addison seems to at least pretend not to notice, and Meredith realizes that Addison is referring to Derek having not blown up at Meredith yet about coming out as bisexual, and also them neither of them seeing the aftermath of the surgery.

"Yeah," Meredith answers just that because it's simpler than having to dodge around the subject entirely. "You know, there once was a time where I thought that bad love with him was better than being on my own," Addison sighs as she recounts her own history, and Meredith wonders if she's supposed to just listen or draw some sort of lesson from all of Addison's stories.

"I'm sorry you felt like that," Meredith expresses because she is sorry that Addison would think so little of herself back then. "I wasn't strong enough to leave him," Addison continues. "I guess I wanted a reason to leave him, and Mark was in love with me and I took advantage of that, and he was so kind, and he was offering sex and comfort, and I needed both," Addison concludes.

* * *

3

"Yeah, that's hard, I'm sorry it all had to happen that way" Meredith empathizes without taking a side in the argument or passing judgment, and Addison squeezes her shoulders in thanks for this. "I get it, you know, being tempted into an affair," Addison says calmly and Meredith wonders what she knows and she freaks out and jumps away for a moment back on the bed.

"What?!" Meredith exclaims, as Addison just furrows her brow in confusion. "I'm saying I'm finally ready to forgive you, for sleeping with Derek at the prom in the exam room," Addison smiles at Meredith, who has to code-switch back to that reference until she finally understands what Addison is talking with her about, now. "Oh," Meredith nods, and eventually smiles back.

"Look, we were both a bit like that back in the day, I'm just saying that I empathize and that I can relate, so it's a bit hypocritical for me to have a grudge on you for sleeping with Derek behind my back when I slept with Mark behind his," Addison finally articulates. "Thanks," Meredith says genuinely, and it's a big relief that Addison no longer hates her for this, even if she still does.

"I guess I don't hate you for cheating with Mark anymore if that helps. And I'm not just saying that because you said the other thing," Meredith offers. "I think I just get it more, now. You, I guess I understand you more now that we're hanging out," Meredith says, and it's closer to ' _I really fucking like you_ ' than she would have liked, but it came out before she could stop it.

"Thanks, Meredith," Addison says, and Meredith realizes that in the past Addison mostly called her 'Grey' and not 'Meredith'. "Do you miss this place at all?" Meredith finally asks because she's been wondering this for a long time. "I don't really miss him- Derek, though I do sometimes, and I also miss Mark, sometimes, as a friend, and I miss Bailey and Richard."

Meredith nods at all this since it makes sense. And she tries really hard not to be heartbroken that Addison never tacked on 'and I miss YOU, Meredith', because that wouldn't even make sense. "It's been really nice spending time with you, Meredith, you know, on this trip," Addison does add though, after that, and Meredith can't contain herself from beaming at this last part.

* * *

4

"You've been really good to me," Addison says solemnly, and Meredith can tell she still doesn't feel she deserved it. "You've been good to me, in the past, and now," Meredith says, referring to how Addison always seemed to stand up for her, even after the part where she cheated with Derek, which never ceased to amaze her. "I wish we were friends," Addison says finally.

"Are you saying we're not friends, Addison," Meredith says all wide-eyed and vulnerable. "No, I mean I think we are, now, friends especially after last night and today. I mean I wish we had been friends back then, I wish I hadn't sent you away and told you to 'pick a floor' because 'I just needed a moment without you' back then," Addison recalls this bitter memory of theirs.

"You had every right to be angry," Meredith offers. "I did, but I wasn't angry at you, I was angry at him. He was married, you weren't, and you were his student, and I thought he was using you to get back at me, and I couldn't separate all the emotions so I iced you out as well as him," Addison finally expresses. "I'm not sure if I would have been ready to be friends with myself…"

Meredith expresses this and Addison seems to understand the sentiment, and they eventually notice dinner is taking a while, but before long it arrives in the room and they set the dinner table and sit down for a meal. "You know, you once said you were a vapid narcissist while drunk, but you really weren't that bad yesterday," Addison changes the topic as she thinks for a moment.

"I don't remember telling you that? I know that I said it but I didn't think I said that to you?" Meredith turns around for a minute to look at Addison. "You didn't, I heard it from Izzie that night," Addison says, and sort of pauses for a moment as she calls 'Izzie' that, even though she used to call her 'Doctor Stevens'. "I think Izzie mentioned it, sorry," Addison says sheepishly.

"Well, I guess that's fair, I insulted your pink scrubs with her, that night, I think" Meredith reminisces. "A lot of people insulted my pink scrubs, not just you," Addison laughs. "That's not the reason I switched to blue, though. The pink was just too hard to get the blood off of," Addison smiles at the memory. "Didn't they go into the central wash anyhow?" Meredith asks her.

* * *

5

"Well, eventually, yeah, but I mean before that if I just got a stain on them. With the navy blue ones it doesn't show so much," Addison smiles. "I'll look forward to that once I get out of the light blue ones," Meredith smiles. "those are the worst for the bloodstains," Addison laughs. Meredith flashes to the scene of all the blood yesterday and tries to stop thinking about it.

"You know, I think it's really cool you and Izzie were close back then, you taught her a lot of stuff, you taught Alex a lot of stuff, and he's hard to teach, and that's cool," Meredith offers. "Well, thanks, Grey. Unfortunately, I also did sleep with Alex once," Meredith notices Addison sighs at herself for this while Meredith flares in a jealous rage and scowls for a moment at this.

"Did you ever sleep with Izzie?" Meredith eventually asks Addison, because she knows Addison never slept with Cristina because she would have told her immediately, and Gorge would have as well. "Are you seriously asking if I had another affair with Izzie Stevens while I was married to Derek?" Addison asks her with a chuckle. "Well, that or after you divorced him?" Meredith asks.

"Oh, God, No, I never did, not at all, we were never like that, Izzie and I, why?" Addison asks Meredith, who is still not entirely convinced, but again, that's probably just her flash of jealousy that Izzie got to spend more time at work with Addison than she did, back then. "Did you ever want to? With Izzie? I mean she used to be a model, you know, and you liked the blonde on TV."

Addison laughs at this initially, but she considers Meredith's questions seriously. "I lived in a trailer, Meredith, a trailer is no place for an affair," Addison laughs. "You lived here, after, though," Meredith adds on to this. "Well, so did Richard Webber, and Mark Sloan, and Callie Torres, and George O'Malley," Addison reminds her. "Right, that would have been awful!"

"So are you saying you would have, slept with Izzie, or had an affair with her if you didn't live in inconvenient places to have an affair or not?" Meredith finally circles back to this. "God, no, I wouldn't have, Meredith, I was talking logistics before, but I still would never have," Addison answers. "Why?" Meredith presses on, determined for some reason. "Firstly, I never liked Izzie like that."

* * *

6

The moment Addison says this, Meredith visibly relaxes and Addison quirks her eye at this again but doesn't ask Meredith any questions before continuing. "I don't want to be that person, Meredith, sleeping with a first-year intern, behind someone's back or not. I didn't want to be like that, and I still hate myself for Mark and Alex," Addison says.

"Because Mark wasn't an intern, but you were married, then, and I guess Alex was a young resident?" Meredith offers, trying to contain her jealousy about Alex having bedded Addison. "Yeah, that was right before I left for LA, almost," Addison sighs again. "I don't know, I was so horny by then and he was always around and he looked like he wanted me, and I regret it."

"Was it any good?" Meredith deadpans and notices that Addison chooses her words carefully because Alex is still one of her close friends. "Not bad," Addison says noncommittally. "It was more like scratching an itch at that point," Addison sighs. "Apparently, I get stupid when I don't get laid," Addison laughs at herself and adds "You know, this is nice, this little bubble, right now…"

"Don't you, you know, 'do the other thing' when you aren't getting any for a while?" Meredith asks her, then blushes, then is completely flustered but they're friends now, Addison said so, therefore Meredith decides she can ask this question without being _too_ weird. "Oh, _that,_ I didn't know how to, at the time, I only learned that when I moved to LA," Addison shrugs, giggling.

"SERIOUSLY!?" Meredith exclaims and Addison quirks an eyebrow at her strong reaction. "Well, I never knew about it before, until I was complaining all the time and Naomi and Violet suggested it to me, and so I tried it with my shower head, and I guess it sort of helps now, but I have to have the right shower head?" Addison tries to explain, as Meredith is stunned at this.

"Okay, now I completely understand what happened with Mark, even if I'm not saying it's all okay because we both know it isn't and there's a difference between understanding and forgiving and things being ok, right," Meredith begins. "But wow, no orgasms for that long… "It was awful," Addison admits. "I would have screwed a hundred people," Meredith confesses.

* * *

"Um, is it alright if we stop talking about my hypothetical non-orgasms right now?" Addison asks.

"Oh, sure, sorry, I just got all carried away there on the topic," Meredith reddens and looks away.

"Do you want to hear about what my dream was about last night?" Addison asks her, curiously.

"Oh, no, you remember it all?" Meredith says, concerned. "You looked so scared," she adds.

"Yeah, I remember it. It was awful. Thanks for being there for me," Addison smiles reassuringly.

"Of course," Meredith offers. "I couldn't leave you, suffering so much. It looked like it hurt a lot"

"You'll never believe what I dreamed about, though," Addison laughs, now, at the memory.

"Was it about Archer maybe?" Meredith guessed. "I used to dream about my mother dying."

"No, not about Archer. It was about you and me, almost dying in a plane crash," Addison says.

"I'm so sorry, that sounds awful," Meredith Grey offers Addison a hug and tries _really_ hard not to think too much of the implications of _Addison Mongomery having a dream about them_ _together_...

* * *

*****

*****

*****

*****

*****

******* END OF CHAPTER THIRTEEN**

* * *

_Author's Note 2:_

Well, here's another one of this story. Did you like the twist at the end? LOL.

It took me a long time to figure out the next step here, but I think this is where I want to be with this now.

Well, let me know what you liked about this chapter, I love to hear people's favorite quotes!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

_And of course, other recently updated MerADD stuff to read while you wait for another update:_

####  [ **Ultimate Revenge** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24252541)

_"Addison" Meredith whispers into her ear. "I know how we both can get back at Derek". MerAdd._

_Mer asks Derek how he pleasured Addie in Bed, and then Meredith does. Meddison. Rated E._

_From the MerAdd Prompts Consultation Collection, Part 1._

####  [ **Confessions of a Workaholic: Addison and Meredith's Story(s).** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24238420)

_How Addison Montgomery finally realizes she had fallen in love with Meredith Grey forever ago._

_And how Meredith Grey realizes she could finally, actually, just love Addison Montgomery back._

_Set following the events of GA-S07-E15, 'Song Beneath The Song'. MerAdd. Meddison. Also Calzona._

_Rated E for Explicit, probably. MerDer to MerAdd. How Derek Found Out. Eventual Happy Ending(s)._

####  [ **Chief Montgomery's Seductress** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24115456)

_In Which Addison is named Chief of Surgery of SGH, and Meredith, her girlfriend, rewards her._

_Based on the 'Chief Shepherd' scene with Derek in GA-6x20, (but without the Derek part!)_

_. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. Rated E for Explicit. Office Sex._

_Inspired by "Chief Shepherd's Seduction by Kate MB on Fanfiction... Here's a lesbian version ;)_

####  [ **McCravings** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24077548)

_McDreamy, McSteamy, McMeredith, and McHot all walk into a McDonalds. Hilarity ensues._

New Chapter 3 recently!

####  [ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

_In Which Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Things spiral from there. This is the story about what might have happened after Meredith asks Derek to "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me" but before he decides to do anything about it, and after SHE decides to do something about it._

Of which, there are a grand total of 43 Chapters on May 18, 2020.

And there’s much more to come for that, someday.

So rest easy, folks, while you wait for the next Chapter of “Soothe”.

* * *

**THANKS FOR READING “SOOTHE,” SPEAK WITH ME IN THE COMMENTS? PLEASE :D**

* * *

_Author’s Note 3:_

Well, that’s all for now, folks, unfortunately, I must say.

Thanks of course for reading, I will chat with you soon in the comments.

Much love and yours, truly,

bobbiejelly

###  [ **bobbiejelly** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	14. Chocolate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meredith is trying very, very, very hard not to hit on Addison now.

_Author's Note:_

Dedications for May 19, 2020 on Chapter 14:

Ao3: Kristin_Aubrie, Lydialyn, EmyLilas for commenting on this already. TheNetflixGal, CPDLS, seattlerain879, I_dont_have_time_for_this, Davedemoneon, lydialyn, Kristin_Aubrie, EmyLilas, tisziny, oliviajames, Hotgitay, and Arissen as well as 6 guests left kudos on this work! 259 Hits. Also AddisonAddek and Addiesbaby for being around a bunch.

Fanfiction: faith3558 for the favorite. 561 Hits.

Wattpad: naylorholby for commenting on the last chapter and helping me through this process, as well as Addiesrep and new_being. Also, itslexipedia, grapesanatomyedits, for the amazing comments on previous chapters! And Ana_The_Heda who messaged me about 'being addicted to Soothe' which made my entire day. And danielaperezsurga and outlawqueenpercabeth who always follow along with the stars! 522 reads, 81 stars.

Thanks to all the others who I do not know by name :D.

Also, there was an allusion in the last chapter about "Bliss of Another Kind", a story about an (actual, yet of course, fictional...) affair between Izzie and Addison by Ubiquitous Mixie where the summary is 'musings on an affair' and there's the line 'a trailer is is no place for an affair' and I always loved that line so much, so I wanted to honor it here. Go read that on Ao3 it's special :D.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

PREVIOUSLY ON "SOOTHE":

* * *

"Um, is it alright if we stop talking about my hypothetical non-orgasms right now?" Addison asks.

"Oh, sure, sorry, I just got all carried away there on the topic," Meredith reddens and looks away.

"Do you want to hear about what my dream was about last night?" Addison asks her, curiously.

"Oh, no, you remember it all?" Meredith says, concerned. "You looked so scared," she adds.

"Yeah, I remember it. It was awful. Thanks for being there for me," Addison smiles reassuringly.

"Of course," Meredith offers. "I couldn't leave you, suffering so much. It looked like it hurt a lot"

"You'll never believe what I dreamed about, though," Addison laughs, now, at the memory.

"Was it about Archer maybe?" Meredith guessed. "I used to dream about my mother dying."

"No, not about Archer. It was about you and me, almost dying in a plane crash," Addison says.

"I'm so sorry, that sounds awful," Meredith Grey offers Addison a hug and tries really hard not to think too much of the implications of Addison Mongomery having a dream about them together.

* * *

END OF FLASHBACK SEQUENCE.

* * *

**Soothe**

* * *

_In Which Meredith teaches Addison how to self-soothe._

_Before Meredith married Derek, and After she'd almost told Addison she liked her._

_F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. GA/PP Fanfiction._

_Set during GA - "Before After/An Honest Mistake & PP - Acceptance/Ex-Life. Rated M._

_Inspired by "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by lespians, "Blame Game" by LordOfLezzies, "All We Ever Are We Are" by SilverStarsAndMoons and "I'll Feel Better When The Headaches Go Away" by StepIsInsanity._

* * *

**Chapter 14: Chocolate**

* * *

_Meredith is trying very, very, very hard not to hit on Addison now._

* * *

1

"Do you want to talk about your bad dream?" Meredith offers, still holding Addison slightly awkwardly as she hugs her over her chair at the dinner table in the hotel room with the spaghetti, garlic bread, and chocolate moose still on the table. "Oh, yeah, if you don't mind," Addison nods as she wraps her arms around Meredith's hands, not wanting Meredith to stop the hug, yet.

"Okay, well, of course, I don't mind, I just heard you screaming 'help me' over and over and wailing," Meredith offers. "Well, in my dream," Addison begins whilst still nuzzling her head into Meredith's chin. "We were headed to some medical thing, I have no idea why but I'm a baby doctor so probably something about babies. There was you, me, Alex, Cristina, Mark & Lexie…"

"Okay, so we were on a plane, I guess?" Meredith asks her. "Yeah, we were on a plane. And then the plane started crashing, and Mark Sloan was calling out for Lexie Grey and Cristina Yang was holding your hand because you are best friends and then there was just me and Alex Karev, but I didn't want to hold his hand, so I just screamed 'help me' and then we crashed…"

"And then what happened?" Meredith asks Addison while squeezing her hands over Addison's subconsciously, now. "And then I woke up and I had no idea what happened except I heard yelling and you were there and Cristina was there but Cristina could not find her shoe…" Addison babbles and Meredith tries not to laugh at that detail. "Her shoe? Really? One shoe?"

"Yes, the shoe was very important. If you had been in my exact dream you would understand, but it was very tragic that in my dream plane crash, Cristina Yang could not find her shoe and all of us were injured and I'm not sure everyone survived and it was really terrible and I woke up before we were rescued but I think we were about to be rescued and I remember you there…"

"You remember me there?" Meredith asks her in an open-ended way. "You were there for me, I think I could feel you stroking my hair from my sleep because in my dream you were stroking my hair after the plane crashed and it made me feel so much better even though I didn't know if we were going to be rescued or not from the fictional plane crash," Addison tries hard to explain.

* * *

2

As Addison mentions this, Meredith can't help but keep stroking Addison's hair over her fingers as she watches Addison calm down from having experienced her horrible nightmare for a second time to talk about it to Meredith. "Thank you, for being there," Addison says to her sincerely. "In your dream? Or do you mean last night?" Meredith asks her. "Both, I guess."

Meredith knows she's adding a longing pause, here, because she doesn't want to let go of Addison again, even just to eat dinner. But the food is getting cold and Addison seems to be eyeing her spaghetti, so Meredith gives Addison one last pat on the back before pulling away. This time, Addison doesn't whine for her to come back, just mews a bit as she leaves her side.

She heard the noise, Meredith heard it and she's not sure Addison knows she's produced it, so Meredith doesn't bring it up to her, now. Instead, Meredith sits back down in her chair and starts curling her fork around the spaghetti while Addison opens up a bottle of red wine and offers to pour her a glass. "Just a little," Addison promises, gesturing to herself as well. "Not too much."

Meredith is grateful that Addison is not suggesting they drink a bunch again tonight, because although she recovered from yesterday, she isn't sure she can go two days drinking without getting a hangover, and besides which, drinking more than one glass of anything with Addison while they are in a bedroom is definitely verging on 'something really, really BAD happening'.

The problem is that Meredith and Addison have talked at length about all the wrong and worse reasons for having affairs, but now Meredith is contemplating all the bad and worse reasons for not having an affair right now with Addison Montgomery. Because she realizes she's purposely not sleeping with her, for all of the very wrong reasons. Reasons being for Addie, and not Derek.

Meredith is trying very, very, very hard not to hit on Addison now, not because she has a boyfriend who wants to make Mer, his fiance, but because she doesn't want to cause any more pain and self-hatred and self-loathing in her now-friend. Meredith doesn't want to give in to their old not-so-good-coping strategies which involve inappropriate kissing and feelings, with her…

* * *

3

Because there are... Elevators. Hotels. A myriad of temptations, galore… But Meredith just cares too damn much about Addie to let her have her like this. While she's not separated from their mutual Derek. And that scares the hell out of Meredith a bit because she knows she's supposed to care more about protecting her boyfriend rather than her boyfriend's ex-wife…

But of course, she knows she has all sorts of inappropriate feelings for this inappropriate person and all these feelings are not going to magically go away anytime soon, probably, seeing as she's been having them for years, now, and she's only managed to repress them, mostly, since Addison hadn't been living in Seattle for so long and she was never in the same room as her...

Said ex-wife of Derek's is now chomping on her garlic bread, and the crunching sound brings Meredith back into the real world where she picks up her own piece and starts chewing furiously, trying to get herself together to focus on the present and not on her own ethical/unethical dilemmas she's having about how much she wants to kiss Addison, right now.

"Are you finished with your dinner?" Addison asks Meredith as she chomps the remaining garlic bread off her plate. "Oh, yeah," Meredith smiles and takes another small sip of her wine. "This wine is nice," Meredith smiles. "Thanks, it's Italian," Addison smiles, and Meredith is thankful she doesn't go into an explanation about vintage because she would be extremely lost in it.

"Can we have the desert now?" Meredith asks her because she really does want to taste this chocolate moose thing because she'd seen it on the menu and she's never had the opportunity to try fancy desserts at the Archfield before. "Of course!" Addison says, opening up the dessert platter. "Um, I think they might have forgotten one," Addison looks at the singular chocolate pie.

"Oh, I guess I should call them, I swear I really did order two!" Meredith exclaims with a yelp as she reaches for her phone. "Of course you did, I'm not accusing you. Why don't we share this one first, though, and we'll order another if we are still hungry? The spaghetti was more filling than I expected," Addison motions to her stomach as she does this, and Meredith laughs at this.

* * *

4

"Alright, alright, you win. Or I win. I'm not really sure…" Meredith rambles because she's not sure what she's saying because she feels like she's won a million dollars because she gets to share chocolate with Addison and it's sinful how much she craves all of those things… "Spoon," Addison motions for Meredith to take one, and as she does Addison smirks just a little bit…

 _('Holy shit is she flirting with me! Is that what that smirk was? Oh, no, what the hell am I getting myself into?')_. Meredith battles with her inner monologue as she tries not to meet Addison's eye. "You are going to take the spoon, right?" Addison smirks at her widely now, and Meredith realizes that Addison is smirking because she's staring wide-eyed at Addison and not moving.

"Right," Meredith takes the spoon and curses at herself as she stabs the chocolate moose frustratedly right in the center because Addison's smirking face is making her think of all sorts of juicy and delicious fantasies that she probably should not indulge in while currently physically indulging in the chocolate dessert with Addison Montgomery because Addison is now _moaning_.

"Mm, it's good!" Addison sighs into the chocolate moose and Meredith impales the thing harder because she doesn't know what to do with herself while Addison is groaning out _sex noises_ into their shared chocolate platter and it's making Meredith flustered and turned on and a bit sticky underneath all her pants and it's not the sort of feeling that's comfortable while eating a dessert.

"Jesus, Addison," Meredith declares as she whimpers into her own mouthful of chocolate. "It's just that good, isn't it?" Addison asks her actually, innocently _(probably?)_ and Meredith tries not to blow a gasket and yell because she's watching Addison suck the whipped chocolate off of her lips and her teeth and her mouth and it's _oh-so-erotic_ and now Meredith's panties are soaked.

"Ah, bathroom," Meredith mumbles as her fork clatters onto the table as she flees from the scene, slamming the door behind her because she can't let Addison see that her entire body is red with a blush, that her entire being is flustered and she's turned on as if the whole thing had been _foreplay_ , while Addison is just trying to eat her damn meal. _Fuck!_ _Meredith is losing it._

* * *

5

"Are you alright?" Addison follows Meredith to the bathroom door and knocks because Meredith realizes she probably thinks that she's gotten sick or something from dinner and that's why she sounds so damn compassionate. And it's not helping at all because she loves the way Addison has always cared for her and it makes her heart swell up like a balloon _and she's so screwed..._

"I- Yeah I'm alright, just drank too much wine too fast and water I just had to go, I'll be fine," Meredith tries to sound coherent in all this and give that explanation because at least a hypothetical 'bursting bladder' is slightly less embarrassing than her _actual problem_ , _which is her very real arousal- pooling between her legs and she has no way to solve this right now, at all._

Not with Addison standing right outside the damn door listening to her talk about how 'really, really fine' she is, because Addison is standing outside the door the same way all doctors do, and especially Addison does, as Meredith knows this, waiting for a patient who might develop a complication suddenly in case they have to swoop in with a code team. _('Oh, just shoot me now…' Meredith thinks to herself, bitterly.)_

"Oh alright, well if you are sure you are fine, though I'm not convinced, though I suppose it's your business and not mine- if you're having any issues like, ' _down there,_ ' you know you can ask me because it's my job to be an expert at it all, you know that…" Addison rants on, and Meredith tries not to die at the irony that _'Addison is an expert at Vaginas and wants to help her_ '.

"Umm, I'll be fine, I promise, It's not medical or anything, just, I had a lot of water…" Meredith is hoping that Addison believes this because she _had_ been drinking water while they were watching the show and at least it sounds like something in the realm of probability for that to happen to her at this very moment. "Okay, okay then, well, alight…" Addison trails off again.

"Addison, you can go finish your dessert if you want, I'll just be a minute," Meredith calls out, not wanting to take her away from the part of the meal she was most enjoying. "Oh, I won't start without you, I know you like it as much as I do," Addison calls back, and Meredith, again, tries not to die at the irony. _(_ _Addison probably doesn't know just how much Meredith 'likes it'- the eating the chocolate moose with her- that is- like Addie also does with Mer...)_

* * *

6

While Meredith tries to run her hands under ice-cold water to perhaps calm her heart rate and ragged breathing and near orgasmic-level-arousal that is plaguing her extremely horny body right now, she can hear Addison eventually retreat to the table and take small sips of her red wine as she waits for Meredith to finish up in the washroom. Meredith tries very hard, so hard…

And then Meredith can hear the telltale ringing of a cell phone, but she's not sure whose it is because she and Addison have half-similar models. She hopes that it's not someone paging her into work or that it's bad news about Archer Montgomery. And Addison must be facing the same dilemma because she goes to answer it automatically when she sees the call is from Derek.

"Hello, Derek, how is Archer?" Addison asks him, and Meredith breathes a sigh of relief that the call had not been for her at all. But the moment is very short-lived because she can hear her boyfriend's reaction loud and clear over the phone: "Addison?! Where the hell is Meredith?! And why do you have her cell phone?!" Meredith can hear Addison pause and look at the screen.

"Oh- sorry we have the same phone case and I thought this was mine and not hers. Are you at the hospital though? How is Archer? Is he alright? Is he going to make it!?" Addison exclaims into the phone and this gives Meredith a second to dry off her hands and finally emerge into the hotel room again. "What do you mean- YOU DON'T KNOW, DEREK WHAT THAT HELL!?"

"Addie, are you okay?" Meredith soothes over Addison's shoulders as she receives this heartbreaking news and Addison starts to tear up as she clings onto Meredith's shoulders for dear life. "Meredith, are you there now!?" Meredith can hear her now-boyfriends yelling into the phone for her, and so can Addison, so she hands the phone over so Meredith can talk to him.

"Hello, Derek, it's Meredith, I'm standing next to Addison, she grabbed my phone and answered, I was in the washroom, it was an accident, Derek?" Meredith tries to do damage control now but she knows Derek will probably yell and kick and scream at them and all she wants is to protect _Addison_ … "Well, when you're home I have to ask you something important." Derek hangs up.

* * *

"I'm sorry, Addie, I really am," Meredith puts the cell phone down and holds Addison again.

It's all comfort, just raw comfort because Addison needs her to soothe her again, she's scared.

"We can call the hospital or Naomi?" Meredith offers, then realizes she's invited herself in, again.

"That would be great," Addison says. "In a little while, you can stay as long as you want…"

"Oh, are you sure?" Meredith asks her, she wants to but she's not sure if she really should…

"Yeah, I mean it. I mean, as long as I'm in Seattle you can stay here. Naomi is with Archer…"

"Naomi won't be mad I'm here?" Meredith asks. "Nai _wants_ _my brother_ ," Addison deadpans.

"Oh, God, Meredith pulls Addison closer. "I'm _really sorry_ ," Mer adds. "I know," Addie replies.

"What do you think Derek really wants to ask you when you finally do go home?" Addison asks.

Meredith bursts into tears as she breaks down as she tells Addison the whole truth- as she knows it to be, thus far... Mer just _can't_ keep this secret longer and Addie is the _only_ one in the entire world who will ever understand _exactly_ how she feels right now. " **Derek wants to ask me... To marry him."**

* * *

*****

*****

*****

*****

*****

******* END OF CHAPTER FOURTEEN**

* * *

_Author's Note 2:_

The allusion here is to "New Color (On My Bare Walls)" by mammothluv with the line "inappropriate kissing and feelings."

Well, here's another one of this story. Did you like the twist at the end of THIS one? LOL.

It took me a long time to figure out the next step here, but I think this is where I want to be with this now. There's a direction I'm choosing and I think I know what I want… I hope you end up liking it too.

Well, let me know what you liked about this chapter, I love to hear people's favorite quotes!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

_And of course, other recently updated MerADD stuff to read while you wait for another update:_

####  [ **Ultimate Revenge** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24252541)

_"Addison" Meredith whispers into her ear. "I know how we both can get back at Derek". MerAdd._

_Mer asks Derek how he pleasured Addie in Bed, and then Meredith does. Meddison. Rated E._

_From the MerAdd Prompts Consultation Collection, Part 1._

####  [ **Confessions of a Workaholic: Addison and Meredith's Story(s).** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24238420)

_How Addison Montgomery finally realizes she had fallen in love with Meredith Grey forever ago._

_And how Meredith Grey realizes she could finally, actually, just love Addison Montgomery back._

_Set following the events of GA-S07-E15, 'Song Beneath The Song'. MerAdd. Meddison. Also Calzona._

_Rated E for Explicit, probably. MerDer to MerAdd. How Derek Found Out. Eventual Happy Ending(s)._

####  [ **Chief Montgomery's Seductress** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24115456)

_In Which Addison is named Chief of Surgery of SGH, and Meredith, her girlfriend, rewards her._

_Based on the 'Chief Shepherd' scene with Derek in GA-6x20, (but without the Derek part!)_

_. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. Rated E for Explicit. Office Sex._

_Inspired by "Chief Shepherd's Seduction by Kate MB on Fanfiction... Here's a lesbian version ;)_

####  [ **McCravings** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24077548)

_McDreamy, McSteamy, McMeredith, and McHot all walk into a McDonalds. Hilarity ensues._

New Chapter 3 recently!

####  [ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

_In Which Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Things spiral from there. This is the story about what might have happened after Meredith asks Derek to "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me" but before he decides to do anything about it, and after SHE decides to do something about it._

Of which, there are a grand total of 43 Chapters on May 18, 2020.

And there’s much more to come for that, someday.

So rest easy, folks, while you wait for the next Chapter of “Soothe”.

* * *

**THANKS FOR READING “SOOTHE,” SPEAK WITH ME IN THE COMMENTS? PLEASE :D**

  
  


* * *

_Author’s Note 3:_

Well, that’s all for now, folks, unfortunately, I must say.

Thanks of course for reading, I will chat with you soon in the comments.

Much love and yours, truly,

bobbiejelly

###  [ **bobbiejelly** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	15. Type

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The tears are probably going to stain, but Meredith can't let Addison see her face right now.

_Author's Note:_

Dedications for May 20, 2020 on Chapter 15:

Ao3: Kristin_Aubrie, Lydialyn, EmyLilas for commenting on this already. TheNetflixGal, CPDLS, seattlerain879, I_dont_have_time_for_this, Davedemoneon, lydialyn, Kristin_Aubrie, EmyLilas, tisziny, oliviajames, Hotgitay, and Arissen as well as 6 guests left kudos on this work! 293 Hits. 22 Comments. Also AddisonAddek, LordOfLezzies, and Addiesbaby for being around a bunch.

Fanfiction: faith3558 for the favorite. 610 Hits.

Wattpad: naylorholby and danielaperezsurga, for commenting on the last chapter and helping me through this process, as well as Addiesrep and new_being. Also, itslexipedia, grapesanatomyedits, for the amazing comments on previous chapters! And Ana_The_Heda who messaged me about 'being addicted to Soothe' which made my entire day. And addiesrep, new_being, danielaperezsurga and outlawqueenpercabeth who always follow along with the stars! 570 reads, 75 comments, 90 stars.

Thanks to all the others who I do not know by name :D...

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

PREVIOUSLY ON "SOOTHE":

* * *

"I'm sorry, Addie, I really am," Meredith puts the cell phone down and holds Addison again.

It's all comfort, just raw comfort because Addison needs her to soothe her again, she's scared.

"We can call the hospital or Naomi?" Meredith offers, then realizes she's invited herself in, again.

"That would be great," Addison says. "In a little while, you can stay as long as you want…"

"Oh, are you sure?" Meredith asks her, she wants to but she's not sure if she really should…

"Yeah, I mean it. I mean, as long as I'm in Seattle you can stay here. Naomi is with Archer…"

"Naomi won't be mad I'm here?" Meredith asks. "Nai _wants_ _my brother_ ," Addison deadpans.

"Oh, God, Meredith pulls Addison closer. "I'm _really sorry_ ," Mer adds. "I know," Addie replies.

"What do you think Derek really wants to ask you when you finally do go home?" Addison asks.

Meredith bursts into tears as she breaks down as she tells Addison the whole truth- as she knows it to be, thus far... Mer just _can't_ keep this secret longer and Addie is the _only_ one in the entire world who will ever understand _exactly_ how she feels right now. " **Derek wants to ask me... To marry him."**

* * *

END OF FLASHBACK SEQUENCE.

* * *

**Soothe**

* * *

_In Which Meredith teaches Addison how to self-soothe._

_Before Meredith married Derek, and After she'd almost told Addison she liked her._

_F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. GA/PP Fanfiction._

_Set during GA - "Before After/An Honest Mistake & PP - Acceptance/Ex-Life. Rated M._

_Inspired by "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by lespians, "Blame Game" by LordOfLezzies, "All We Ever Are We Are" by SilverStarsAndMoons and "I'll Feel Better When The Headaches Go Away" by StepIsInsanity._

* * *

**Chapter 15: Type**

* * *

_The tears are probably going to stain, but Meredith can't let Addison see her face right now._

* * *

1

"He wants to ask you to marry him?" Addison parrots back to Meredith, and Meredith sobs as she clings to Addison, and buries her head in her shirt. The tears are probably going to stain, but Meredith can't let Addison see her face right now, so she just holds on for dear life as Addison moves to hold her back, and wrap her arms into Meredith's hair and shoulders, now.

Meredith realizes that Addison might think that she's crying because she just told her that her ex-husband is moving on with someone else. Maybe Addison thinks that she's crying out of the awkwardness, or the irony, or the fear from the surgery and the 'coming out' thing or just because he's their mutual Derek, still, after all. Meredith doesn't know, and she just holds on.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Addison offers. And it catches Meredith off guard because she wasn't expecting Addison to want to talk about it, either, and especially not about _him_ with _her._ But then Addison keeps talking to say "we've talked about him before. It's mostly how we got to know each other, anyway. I promise you won't hurt me by talking about him, good or bad…"

And the fact that Addison seems to know there's a 'bad' part in there but also some 'good' parts makes Meredith even more muddled because she didn't know how stupid she'd look, all but turning down a McDreamy proposal over a phone call when years ago, she all but went into a cage match with Addison to fight her over this man. But then again, Addison does know _him_.

Addison knows he's not perfect. She's said so herself. And so, Meredith figures that Addison is thinking she's having cold feet about Derek's proposal. And she's totally right about that. But she's probably totally wrong about the real reason. And she's hopefully never going to figure that out. So Meredith just says 'no' by shaking her head vigorously into Addison's upper body.

And Addison, surprising her, again, asks her "what might you need from me, now, here, to help you feel better, for a little while, at least?" It's presumptuous of her, perhaps, for her to imply before Meredith had said it that she still wanted to stay here with Addison and maybe never, ever have to leave this room and face him. But Meredith doesn't notice it. She just answers her.

* * *

2

"Can we talk about _your_ love-problems first for a little while? Because I need some time to process mine and I don't want to be here in dead silence or with the television I just need you to talk with me," Meredith asks. It's a huge ask- to have Addison open up for her. It's also playing with fire- because Addison could break her heart saying she is in love with somebody else.

"Sure, do you want to sit down or something?" Addison offers, because Meredith notices she's holding almost all of Meredith's weight right now and that's probably hard on the knees. Meredith allows Addison to lead her over to the edge of one of the beds now. She's not sure which it is, and it doesn't really matter at all. Meredith can feel Addison pull her right to the top.

Meredith can feel Addison pull her onto her lap, while she braces her back against the headboard, the same way that Mer had been tucked in with her while watching TV. She supposes Addison chose this because she knew it was familiar, while the world was crashing down around her and everything was changing too fast. "So, Addison's love problems, huh," Addie laughs.

"Well," Addison begins. "I kissed a few guys and dated some in LA. The worst experience was with someone who stole my shoe for his own sexual pleasure. They were nice shoes, too!" Addison adds, and Meredith finds herself laughing along. "And then there was a policeman I dated…" Addison trails off again. "Did he put you in handcuffs?" Meredith asks her, grinning.

"Well, his friend did…" Addison starts to move back to her earlier story but Meredith interrupts her. "Wait, you were in handcuffs, with your cop boyfriend, AND HIS FRIEND?!" Meredith exclaims with her eyebrows arched in a smirk and her arms flailing around. "Well, no," Addison chuckles. "I thought he was cheating on me, so I went to find him, and his friend cuffed me…"

"So, you stalked your cop-boyfriend and then you got put in handcuffs by his friend?" Meredith asks Addison, now, still rather intrigued. "I guess," Addison mumbles, until Meredith asks her "but did you want him to put you in handcuffs, like, in a sexual way?" Meredith asks her quite boldly. "Umm-" Addison reddens, and doesn't answer at all. And Meredith just smirks widely.

* * *

3

"So how did that end, anyway?" Meredith asks her, and Addison seems glad that she's moved on from the kinky sex topic, for now, at least. "Well, I kissed another boy, I guess. And my brother didn't like the cop guy. And eventually, it just didn't work out, because he hated it when I cleaned his house, rather my housekeeper did. And how I took care of him when he got shot."

"So, wait, your boyfriend broke up with you because you took care of him too well?" Meredith asks her. "Well, and I kissed someone else. But that was also because things weren't going so well, by then, anyhow," Addison explains this, and Meredith sees her sigh to herself. "God, what a fucking lucky bastard, he is," Meredith grunts before realizing she's said that out loud to her.

"Fuck," Meredith swears. But Addison, at least, pretends not to notice. And Meredith just buries herself into Addison's shirt again, because she's blushing and still sort-of crying and also laughing and it's just too much emotion to be exposed to Addison again, right now. "Well, I guess it's not fair to treat a significant other as a patient," Addison sighs. "It was patronizing?"

"Maybe it's just a boy thing," Meredith offers. "Like, men don't want to feel like you're taking care of them, because it's emasculating, even if they actually want to be babied?" Meredith hypothesizes. "Right," Addison offers. "Except doting over them and nursing them back to health while simultaneously stroking their ego is so exhausting, I guess I just give up after a while."

"Yeah," Meredith sighs, not elaborating further on this, because she figures Addison can probably guess what she means based on her having previously lived with Derek Shepherd. "He can be a pain when he's wounded," Addison says softly. And Meredith can tell based on the look in her eye she's not talking about the cop anymore, she's talking about her ex-husband.

It's uncanny how much she seems to know what Meredith needs from her right now. Normally it might be a faux-pas to shame one's friend's boyfriend to their face right in front of them. But Meredith knows that Addison has every right to complain about her own ex-husband, even if he is still Meredith's sort-of-boyfriend. She does like having _anything_ in common with Addison.

* * *

4

"Are you ready to talk about it?" Addison nudges Meredith gently. "Yeah, I think so," Meredith takes a deep breath. "I found a red rose petal under my pillow," Meredith begins her story. "I figured there was some meaning to it, so I went snooping around in his things," Meredith says, and she's relieved when Addison doesn't judge her for this. "And I found his ring," she adds.

"Where?" Addison asks her, and Meredith says to her sheepishly, "in his tux pocket." Meredith notices Addison shifts for a moment, before asking her, "do you mean, the same jacket pocket, that I-" she cuts herself off, there. "Yeah, the very same," Meredith sighs loudly. "And I don't even know if the roses were his idea. Does that sound like a Derek thing? Or a Mark thing…?"

"Probably Mark," Addison answers directly, then seems to wish she hadn't said that because she buries her face behind Meredith's for a second. "Figured. The most romantic thing Derek has ever done for me was actually his best friend, being his wingman," Meredith groans. "You see why I went for Mark, right?" Addison teases gently. "More and more, especially now…"

"You don't, do you have a thing for Mark Sloan, Meredith?" Addison answers, a bit alarmed. "Oh, God, No," Meredith says forcefully. "Also, he's sort-of sleeping with my little sister. So really definitely no, and probably no forever, now," Meredith adds quickly. "Right," Addison laughs. "It's actually kind of funny," Meredith laughs. "What?" Addison asks. "Mark IS with a NEW redhead!"

"Well, I guess he does have a type, after all," Addison chuckles. "You know what's pathetic of me?" Addison asks Meredith, as she turns around for a second to face her again. "What?" She asks, as she reminds Addison with her eyes that she's bawling because her boyfriend wants an engagement to her. "I don't want Mark Sloan, but I miss him _wanting me_. Wanting sex from _me_."

"Oh, I get that," Meredith sighs as she empathizes with Addison's story. "You just want to feel wanted. Especially when you're all alone. I get that." Meredith nods up at her. "I don't miss Steve with the never-ending-erection. But if Derek hadn't walked in on it, then I probably would have been flattered," Meredith laughs at the memory. "Derek saw his boner!" Addison laughs.

* * *

5

"I'm sorry, but I feel like a bit of an asshole, here," Addison eventually stutters out. "What, why, you're being super nice!" Meredith exclaims back at her. "I feel like I am taking advantage of you," Addison sighs, as she keeps running her hands over Meredith's hair. "Why- How would you be taking advantage of me?" Meredith asks her, as she was thinking the opposite thing.

"Well, I mean, I'm complaining about your boyfriend to you, telling you all of his faults, as well as Mark Sloans, sort of. And I'm monopolizing all of your probably only day off this week. I used to be your teacher, and I was still your Attending, the other day in surgery. And you bought me dinner, and I brought you breakfast, and you paid for my cab, and I keep asking for snuggles…"

"But how is that at all taking advantage, I don't get it?" Meredith just keeps asking her. "Because you have a boyfriend, Meredith. And I all but asked him to take you back and asked you to take him back the last time I was here. And somewhere along this trip now, I've stopped trying to get you two back together, and I've just been selfish, and I whine whenever you stop cuddling me."

Meredith takes in Addison's admissions, and she reasons them around in her head. _('What is Addison trying to say, here? That she feels guilty for wanting someone to hold her? That she feels bad my relationship with Derek finally failed?')_ Meredith tries to figure it out as she presses her back a bit more into Addison, to show she doesn't mind when Addison wants to snuggle…

"Addison, you don't have to apologize for wanting someone to hold you, especially through those horrible nightmares. And I know I'm probably just a stand-in for Naomi, and I feel just as guilty for basically using you as a replacement for the boyfriend I'm actually a little afraid of right now. But please, you don't have to feel horrible for wanting to spend time with me, not at all."

"You're not just a stand-in for Naomi," Addison reassures Meredith. "You're right that she's my best friend and I miss her, and sometimes we'd do similar things like eating meals and watch movies. But Naomi and I, we never snuggled up like this, she'd lean her head on my shoulder, but that's about it," Addison shrugs a bit. And Meredith wants to ask her something, she does.

* * *

6

"Did you ever sleep with Naomi?" Meredith finally asks her, and Addison’s face contorts in a bit of surprise. "No, why?" Addison asks Meredith as if the thought had never occurred to her. "Oh, I just figured, in college, or something, that you two seemed close so I figured you'd have fooled around or something," Meredith says shyly, trying not to show she had always been jealous.

"Oh, no. Naomi's not into women, at all," Addison deadpans. "But if she was, would you be into her?" Meredith inquires. "Umm, probably not, no," Addison shrugs. "Not your type?" Meredith asks her. "Correct, Nai's not my type. She's wonderful and beautiful, and she's my best friend, but she's very much not my type," Addison smiles softly. "Have you slept with Cristina Yang?"

"Oh, God, No," Meredith laughs. "She's not my type, either," Meredith chuckles, and she doesn't add the part about Cristina just being straight, because she's not sure about that part either way, and she doesn't think it's her place to talk about Cristina's hypothetical possible bisexuality with Addison before she's even brought it up with her co-twisted sister, herself, before now, or ever.

"Well, I guess we both get it then, having a best friend who is attractive and smart, but just not our type, and that we don't want to sleep with," Addison summarizes for Meredith, who finally laughs. "We really are very similar kinds of screwed-up, aren't we," Meredith sighs loudly, but it's more of a joke now that they're settling into a conversation, and Addison keeps stroking her hair.

"What even is your type?" Addison finally inquires about Meredith, and Meredith's eyes go wide as saucers and her face goes as red as a beet. "Well, I mean, we kind of share the type that likes Derek Shepherd-Shaped-People," Meredith eventually mutters, dodging the question by moving laterally. "I meant in women," Addison deadpans, and Meredith now panics completely.

"Are you going to answer that question to me, Addison? Are you going to tell me YOUR type in women?" Meredith deflects, hoping that Addison will just start talking about herself, so she doesn't have to answer that question. "Maybe," Addison says with a shy expression, and Meredith finds it adorable. "But you should probably give Derek a 'yes' or a 'no', first. She says.

* * *

"Why would that matter to you answering my question?" Meredith groans, wanting to _know_ _now._

"You really do need to give Derek an answer, and maybe tell him you found the ring," Addie says.

"Addison, is it wrong if I want to tell him, no, but I don't know how, or if I'm even strong enough?" Mer asks.

"Trust me, it's not wrong, I've been there before," Addison sighs. "I held on far too long to him…"

"How did you finally let him go?" Meredith asks her, searching, seeking. "Adultery?" Addison laughs.

"Do you recommend it? Leaving Derek, via adultery?" Meredith asks her, actually seriously.

"No, I don't, Meredith," Addison says, also seriously. "It takes too much out of you. Too much."

"You still hate yourself for it?" Meredith asks her. "Every day of my life," Addison answers her.

"You know, it's really awful to see all your self-loathing," Meredith offers. "I hate watching it."

"I don't want you to end up like me, Meredith. Hating yourself over him. Or more adultery…"

"I think you turned out pretty great," Meredith smiles. "But you're right. I do have to leave him!"

* * *

*****

*****

*****

*****

*****

******* END OF CHAPTER FIFTEEN**

* * *

_Author's Note 2:_

Here it is, the turning point. I didn't want this to end up in an affair after all.

I want this to be about healing- like the title suggests because I do like redemption.

Healthy relationships are the goal, and I think these two will always deserve that. Hurrah!

Well, let me know what you liked about this chapter, I love to hear people's favorite quotes!

Hope you're excited about where this can go on from here. Glad that people love the fluff and angst, and also the hurt-comfort. This is one of my most beloved stories. EVER!

See you round in the comments, the comments have been so vibrant today, it's lovely.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

_And of course, other recently updated MerADD stuff to read while you wait for another update:_

####  [ **Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160)

_(You realize, at 39, you’re maybe, probably, definitely, way too old for all this...)_

_-Addison Montgomery._

_As written to herself in her personal diary._

#### 

####  [ **A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604244)

_AU Where Plane crash happened but they all lived. Arizona has her leg._

_In celebration, the survivors host a Swinger’s Party at Meredith's house._

_Mark. Lexie. Cristina. Meredith. Derek. Arizona. Callie. & Addison. :D _

_Crackfic. Alternate Universe-Everybody Lives/Nobody Dies. Repairs. Rated E._

#### 

####  [ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

_In Which Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Things spiral from there. This is the story about what might have happened after Meredith asks Derek to "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me" but before he decides to do anything about it, and after SHE decides to do something about it._

Of which, there are a grand total of 43 Chapters on May 18, 2020.

And there’s much more to come for that, someday.

_(Oh, and if you wanted to read more about “Addison Montgomery in Handcuffs via Meredith Grey”, check out_ [ **_RED is the new BLACK._ ** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23737411) **_)_ **

So rest easy, folks, while you wait for the next Chapter of “Soothe”.

* * *

**THANKS FOR READING “SOOTHE,” SPEAK WITH ME IN THE COMMENTS? PLEASE :D**

* * *

_Author’s Note 3:_

Well, that’s all for now, folks, unfortunately, I must say.

Thanks of course for reading, I will chat with you soon in the comments.

Much love and yours, truly,

_bobbiejelly_

###  [ **bobbiejelly** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	16. Standoff, Crossfire.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meredith Grey leaves Derek Shepherd, and it's really not very pretty. Addison is caught in the crossfire of it all, also.

_Author's Note:_

This one is heavy. Really heavy, and much more involved content than other chapters.

CW: Fighting. Disputes. Anger. Unhealthy Relationships. Emotional Abuse.

(Basically this portrayal of Derek Shepherd is a total jackass).

Much worse than on the show. I want to write hurt-comfort.

So, just so you have a heads up about those facts.

This one has a lot of dialogue, less inner stuff.

And a slightly less limited 3rd person.

Hope you enjoy reading it, now.

Take care of yourself!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

PREVIOUSLY ON "SOOTHE":

* * *

"What even is your type?" Addison finally inquires about Meredith, and Meredith's eyes go wide as saucers and her face goes as red as a beet. "Well, I mean, we kind of share the type that likes Derek Shepherd-Shaped-People," Meredith eventually mutters, dodging the question by moving laterally. "I meant in women," Addison deadpans, and Meredith now panics completely.

"Are you going to answer that question to me, Addison? Are you going to tell me YOUR type in women?" Meredith deflects, hoping that Addison will just start talking about herself, so she doesn't have to answer that question. "Maybe," Addison says with a shy expression, and Meredith finds it adorable. "But you should probably give Derek a 'yes' or a 'no', first. She says.

"Why would that matter to you answering my question?" Meredith groans, wanting to _know_ _now._

"You really do need to give Derek an answer, and maybe tell him you found the ring," Addie says.

"Addison, is it wrong if I want to tell him, no, but I don't know how, or if I'm even strong enough?" Mer asks.

"Trust me, it's not wrong, I've been there before," Addison sighs. "I held on far too long to him…"

"How did you finally let him go?" Meredith asks her, searching, seeking. "Adultery?" Addison laughs.

"Do you recommend it? Leaving Derek, via adultery?" Meredith asks her, actually seriously.

"No, I don't, Meredith," Addison says, also seriously. "It takes too much out of you. Too much."

"You still hate yourself for it?" Meredith asks her. "Every day of my life," Addison answers her.

"You know, it's really awful to see all your self-loathing," Meredith offers. "I hate watching it."

"I don't want you to end up like me, Meredith. Hating yourself over him. Or more adultery…"

"I think you turned out pretty great," Meredith smiles. "But you're right. I do have to leave him!"

* * *

END OF FLASHBACK SEQUENCE.

* * *

**Soothe**

* * *

_In Which Meredith teaches Addison how to self-soothe._

_Before Meredith married Derek, and After she'd almost told Addison she liked her._

_F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. GA/PP Fanfiction._

_Set during GA - "Before After/An Honest Mistake & PP - Acceptance/Ex-Life. Rated M._

_Inspired by "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by lespians, "Blame Game" by LordOfLezzies, "All We Ever Are We Are" by SilverStarsAndMoons and "I'll Feel Better When The Headaches Go Away" by StepIsInsanity._

* * *

**Chapter 16: Standoff, Crossfire.**

* * *

_Meredith Grey leaves Derek Shepherd, and it's really not very pretty. Addison is caught in the crossfire of it all, also._

* * *

1

It's a _standoff_ when it happens. Derek Christopher Shepherd shows up at the hotel lobby of the Archfield where Meredith Grey and Addison Forbes Montgomery have spent at least the past 24 hours together. And he is not at all happy about it. That's what Meredith is processing right now. Meredith asked him to come here, for this. She wanted & needed to have Addison, as backup.

Meredith can hear Derek yelling, and the hotel staff is growing rather alarmed. He showed up in record time and Meredith didn't have as much time to prepare what she was going to say as she had hoped that she might have. Derek is yelling at her and also at Addison, and she's zoned out for a minute but she's tuning back in now because he's yelling about Addison again.

"How could you steal my girlfriend, you're just a compulsively cheating bitch, aren't you, Addison," Derek calls out while staring at the redhead. Meredith wants to jump in but Addison defends herself without hesitation. "If you must know, Derek, Meredith and I have not done anything non-platonic since she saved me from potential alcohol poisoning and/or falling, two days ago."

"Why would you be getting alcohol poisoning with my girlfriend, Addison?" Derek yells back at her bitterly. "I'm not your girlfriend, anymore, Derek. I already just said that" Meredith pipes in before Addison has to answer that last question. "Derek, you and I have been over for years now, it's none of your business who I choose to have a drink with, after work, anymore!" Addison bellows.

The hotel staff is now looking at the three of them with intrigue because they had just caught on that 'the blonde woman just left the guy just now, and the redhead woman used to be married to the same guy, and the two women just spent the past 24 plus hours together, pointedly not having done anything past PG-Rated, but the redhead had had an affair before'.

Meredith can hear the whispers from everyone around them and it was driving her crazy. It's just like the old Seattle Grace days when all the nurses and even the patients would whisper things like "everyone must hate you," behind their backs, and call Meredith a whore and Addison a slut and Derek a two-timing indecisive player, and Mark Sloan when he arrived a co-dirty-mister.

* * *

2

"Can we please move this discussion somewhere else? Everyone is staring and I'm tired of all the pointing and laughing!" Meredith finally interrupts Derek and Addison's bickering about some old fights they'd had after Addison had cheated on him with Mark Sloan back in the day that those two had been married, and something else about a trailer, probably, as well, of course…

Two pairs of eyes flashback to Meredith, now, who looks between them insistently, as if to say 'get your shit together so we don't become the hotel prime steak gossip along with the hospital's because if you haven't noticed from our past history this will be all over the workplace rumor mill by well before the morning'. Derek sighs, Addison looks up sympathetically to Meredith.

"We can chat in my room," Addison offers, pointing out that it's a torrential downpour outside, as always, as it seems to be in Seattle, or so she remembers. "Sure, thanks, Addie," Meredith accepts graciously and starts to walk towards the elevator and motions for Derek to follow them. "Why is she coming?" Derek asks Meredith about Addison, who just says "it's _my_ room, Derek".

Neither of the three of them wants to say it, but it's on everyone's minds anyway so eventually Derek says it. He says "remember the time, Addie, when you said to Meredith and me by the elevator, 'well, this looks cozy, can I join in? Or are you two not into threesomes?', and then you handed me a blue file with divorce papers. I didn't think it was actually what you had in mind…"

"Don't call me Addie, anymore, Derek, we already talked about this!" Addison yelps at her ex-husband, without commenting on the last part. Meredith awkwardly pushes the button for the 22nd floor, and with that, they were off. "You let Meredith call you 'Addie', why can't I?" Derek wants to pick a fight he might win, so he chooses this one. "Mer is my friend," says Addison.

"Oh, great, and you call her 'Mer', also. Now tell me for real you aren't fucking her because I don't believe you, and we all know she's just a stand-in for Mark when your ex-dirty-mister won't put out for you because he's into Meredith's own half-sister, Lexie," Derek says with venom in his words, and Addison seems a bit wounded so Meredith shifts closer to her in solidarity.

* * *

3

"We didn't do anything, Derek- Addie's not having an affair with me," Meredith pleads with her now ex-boyfriend to understand "Addison and I went for a drink after work the other day, and I was drunk and she let me crash at her place, and we watched TV yesterday and we just hung out. We haven't seen each other in ages, it was just good to spend time together," she says.

"Why the hell would she want to spend time with YOU," Derek grunts at Meredith, who he wants to hurt because she just left him. "Meredith, you're a train wreck emotionally, and so is Addison. The only reason you two met is because of me, and you should hate each other on principle, but you don't anymore even though you probably used to, so you're both totally screwed up."

"I can spend my free time with whomever I choose to, as I mentioned before, Derek," Addison argues as the elevator keeps droning upwards. With 22 floors it's a small miracle they have not been interrupted yet. "And if Mark were here, would you be with him right now, seeing as he's your perpetual dirty mister, or do you like Meredith as your dirty mistress, even more, now?"

"This has nothing to do with Mark, Derek. This is not about Mark, so shut up about Mark!" Meredith defends Addison to Derek, now. "This is about you and I, and Addison just got caught in the _crossfire_. Addison is my friend, and she calls me 'Mer' and I call her 'Addie', and it's not really your business to care anymore seeing as _I just left you. I am leaving you, DEREK!"_

"You know I had a ring picked out for you. It was my mother's, Carolyn Shepherd's. I have it here, see? It was the one that she wouldn't give to me for Addison, because she already knew she'd hurt me, and she was right," Derek spits out at the redhead. "Your mother hated me from the start, Derek," Addison lashed out. "She thought I poisoned Nancy, and you were the hero."

"You did. And I was," Derek states pointedly. "No, you set me up to fail, the same way you set Meredith and I up to fail with that surgery. It was a huge long-shot that you didn't take the fall for, but you still got to be the hero because you had the idea. Only with the thanksgiving dinner you made hot dogs, and you apparently bought a gift basket for that woman's husband," says Addison.

* * *

4

"How did you even know I bought a gift basket?" Derek says rather perplexedly, and Meredith is relieved that this is the first thing that Derek has not actually been screaming about since he arrived in the lobby earlier that evening. "Bailey and Richard both texted me, earlier," Addison rolls her eyes at Derek as if to say 'they're still my friends, you know, and not only your's…'

"Do Bailey and Richard know you've been shaking up with their intern?" Derek retorts bitterly. "It's been a day, Derek, I've stayed at Cristina's for weeks before, and Cristina and I have never, and will never be, 'more than friends', like that," Meredith offers. "You do always run away from all your problems rather than face the truth. You just run away and quit, Meredith," says Derek.

"I asked her to stay," Addison makes that clear. "I wanted company because I'm still scared about Archer. I didn't want to be alone, and Meredith is good company, and she stayed," Addison offers. "What about me, why didn't you stay for me, Meredith, when I was having a rough day. Why did you pick her over me, while I was still your boyfriend, Meredith?"

"This is why we are over, Derek. This shit right here. It's toxic. You need to be handled like a child, but you want to feel in control. You're arrogant in the O.R, but you don't want to take responsibility. You're jealous when I spend time with other people, and you try to control me. This is why I can't be with you anymore, Derek. I don't hate myself that much anymore!" Meredith bellows.

"You once begged me to love you, you know," Derek reminds Meredith. "You once said 'pick me, choose me, love me,' while I was still married to Addison. You wanted me then, I don't know why you're giving up now, when I was all you wanted and more, back when you couldn't have me, and now that you could have had me forever, you don't want it. I think you are a whore…"

"You don't get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys, and all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues, who cared? Because I was done. You left me. You chose Addison. I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore." Meredith yells at Derek, for the SECOND TIME, EVER!

* * *

5

"Jesus, she's like a fucking broken record, saying the same shit over and over," Derek rolls his eyes at Meredith, but directs his comment to Addison. "YOU DO NOT GET TO CALL MEREDITH GREY A WHORE, DEREK!" Meredith is extremely grateful because her friend is now sticking up for her. "If I had known you called her a whore all those years ago, I would have.." Addison trails off to think about it.

"You would have, what?" Derek challenges her, and forces Addison to come up with an answer. "I would have left you if I had known that the way you treated your girlfriend is to call her a whore," Addison answers succinctly. "Meredith wasn't my girlfriend at the time," Derek tries to explain. "That just makes her case for you," Addison rolls her eyes at her own ex-husband.

"Whatever. We were over, Addison, you and I, the moment you let Mark Sloan rip your clothes off, _in my bed_ , no less," Derek reminds her. "It was one time, Derek, and that's ancient history now," Addison tries to refocus him. "It was one time then, but it was months after that. Mark told me the whole story after. You lived together, and he knocked you up. And you ended it…"

Addison whimpers at the mention of her abortion of Mark Sloan's baby. Addison hadn't thought about that in a really long time. Meredith can tell she is hurting from this, and she reaches to give Addison a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "See, you're definitely fucking her. Meredith only comforts me when I'm fucking her. So you're both liars, too, now," Derek spits out.

"Addison is my friend, Derek, I comfort her because you say awful things. I don't have to be sleeping with somebody to want to give them a reassuring gesture when they're being bullied, and that's what you're doing right now, Derek. You are bullying her. And I won't stand for it anymore. You were an ass to Addie while you were married to her. I could tell," says Meredith.

"Wow, one slut sticking up for another. I guess you'll have to form your own club now. The ex-wife and the ex-mistress. What are you going to compare notes now? See who got the best and the worst of me?" Derek yells again. "You are not the sun in our lives, Derek," Meredith begins to start saying. "Addison has moved on. I'm moving on. We're friends not only from YOU."

* * *

6

"You know you say you're leaving me now but you'll come crawling back to me, Meredith. Addison came crawling back to me. She flew across the country to grovel for my forgiveness. You'll want me back, Meredith. You can't be with anyone else. I'm your one and only McDreamy," Derek forces his thoughts upon Meredith. "You're wrong," Meredith tries. She tries…

"I don't regret leaving you, Derek," Addison steps in to defend herself and to take the heat of Meredith for a minute. Derek raises his eyebrows at her as if he doesn't believe her. "I deserved better than you coming home late and drunk and treating me like you owned me. I shouldn't have slept with Mark, but I needed someone and he was there and I was wrong," says Addison.

Meredith's eyes shoot up to Addison's at her admission that Derek used to come home late and drunk to her, too. Meredith had suspected that for years, but she had never been close enough to Addison to ever ask her about that. "I'm sorry," Meredith offers, right in the middle of all of this. "Thanks, Meredith," Addison accepts this. Meredith can tell she wants to say even more…

"Derek, I don't want you to come into Addison's hotel room to talk about this anymore," Meredith finally speaks up once they reach the floor where Addison's room is located. "You just invited me in, and now you're changing your mind?" Derek looks at both women as if they're 'total idiots'. "Derek, she said no. Take a hint, or a solid 'no', for an answer," Addison stands up to him.

"Fine, have it your way, I don't want to be around either of you, anymore, anyway," Derek shrugs as if to hurt both of them. "You're not McDreamy anymore. Not to me, you're not, anymore," Meredith says to Derek with all the strength she still has. "You're not McDreamy to me, either, and you have not been in a long time," Addison adds, as she backs up Meredith's words.

"You wouldn't know a good thing when you saw it," Derek inserts his final blow. "You both have mommy issues and daddy issues, and all sorts of problems. You don't know what's right and wrong. You're out of your minds," Derek gaslights the women. "Just because I have issues doesn't mean I'm insane, Derek, and neither is Addie," Meredith offers. "GOODBYE, DEREK!"

* * *

"I'll see you both at work. See how you're doing then, if you still both hate me," Derek smirks.

"At work, we will be professional, and no more, not even friends," Meredith insists to Derek.

"Likewise," says Addison. "And you don't get to be upset that Meredith and I are now friends."

"Well, good luck with your lives," Derek says with a sneer. "Thanks," Meredith and Addison say,

They accept it because it's easier than fighting the heated sarcasm. They don't mean it, though.

"Oh, and by the way, Derek. I found your ring, in your tux, I already knew," Meredith confesses.

"Is that why you ran away to Addison? To stall for time to give me a damn answer?" Derek yells.

"It wasn't my intention, it just happened," Meredith explains. "I was happy to just listen," Addison offers.

"Well I'm glad you both still have each other as a whore of a friend," Derek rolls his eyes at them both.

"Goodbye, Derek," Addison leads Meredith off "Goodbye, Derek," Meredith says. They walk away from him without looking back. They walk into Addison's hotel room, and Meredith shuts the door, and shakes until Addison double-locks the door, and even then some. They both cry, and sob, and bawl their eyes out... And they don't stop.

* * *

*****

*****

*****

*****

*****

******* END OF CHAPTER SIXTEEN**

* * *

_Author's Note 2:_

Sorry fictional Derek Shepeherd. I wasn't too kind to you, here, not one little bit.

You are the bad guy, Derek, of this one. And I know that happens in the fandom of MerAdd, but especially here. Here, the things fictional Derek was saying are well beyond canon Derek.

Usually I'm nicer and I make Derek part gracefully, and I give him Mark as a consolation prize.

But noooooope. Derek was actually mean around this period in Canon. So sorrynotsorry, Derek.

On a more serious note, Some of this has been taken from classical signs of abusive relationships. For example, the name-calling, not taking 'no' for an answer, comparing the two women, berating, criticism, breeding dependence, gaslighting, kicking. These are all bad signs of emotionally abusive situations, and I want to call attention to that and highlight it.

These are not normal behaviors, and this chapter is designed to illustrate that even very strong independent successful people can be seduced by a charismatic and charming partner who ends up having extremely problematic behaviors over time.

This is a serious topic, and I realize this is the most serious I've ever been in a story.

This fanfiction is in all likelihood not an accurate portrayal of how to heal from an abusive relationship.

Proper physical and mental healthcare is important for this, as well as strong attachments.

I do try to explore the importance of consent and building trust in fanfictions, and this is no different. I just want to make sure to be clear where my own limits are as an author.

This is about healing, friendship, and a lot of tough stuff and complexity. I am proud of it so far.

This story is much more about Meredith and Addison thus far, and now this is another curveball.

I'm investing more energy into this story as a slow burn and a recovery thing than as a short thing as I originally pictured. Good news being: probably more coming eventually.

Let me know what you think of this, and if you have any feedback at all.

Take care, and seek professional help if you see unhealthy relationships in yourself and/or others.

_bobbiejelly_

Dedications for May 28, 2020 on Chapter 16:

Ao3: 

Kristin_Aubrie, Lydialyn, EmyLilas, TheNetflixGal, for commenting on this already.

Darkmatter2001,TheNetflixGal, CPDLS, seattlerain879, I_dont_have_time_for_this, Davedemoneon, lydialyn, Kristin_Aubrie, EmyLilas, tisziny, oliviajames, Hotgitay, and Arissen as well as 7 guests left kudos on this work! Also AddisonAddek, LordOfLezzies, and Addiesbaby for being around a bunch.

3 Subscriptions. 377 Hits. 20 Kudos. 9 Comment Threads.

Fanfiction:

faith3558 kaipulani, for the Favorite. Kaipulani for the Follow. No Reviews so far :(. 781 Hits.

Wattpad:

blackjackthings, itslexipedia, naylorholby, danielaperezsurga, grapesanatomyedits, new_being, addiesrep, for commenting and helping me through this process.

Ana_The_Heda who messaged me about 'being addicted to Soothe' which made my entire day. And outlawqueenpercabeth who always follows along with the stars!

710 Reads, 91 Stars, 103 Comments, 

Thanks to all the others who I do not know by name :D...

* * *

_And of course, other recently updated MerADD stuff to read while you wait for another update:_

[ **Bubble** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24426472)

_Addison Forbes Montgomery is trapped for 28 days with only Meredith Grey in her house in Seattle. Will they stay enemies? Will they become friends? Will they become 'more than friends'?_

_Loosely Based on Current Events. MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Addison Montgomery/Meredith Grey. Rated E for Explicit. Spoilers through GA-S16-E21, PP-S6-E13 (aka now). Fluff, Humor, Romance._

####  [**Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160)

_You’re ‘in love’ again._

_-Addison Montgomery._

_As written to herself in her personal diary._

####  [ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

_In Which Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Things spiral from there. This is the story about what might have happened after Meredith asks Derek to "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me" but before he decides to do anything about it, and after SHE decides to do something about it._

Of which, there are a grand total of 43 Chapters on May 18, 2020.

And there’s much more to come for that, someday.

_(Oh, and if you wanted to read more about “Addison Montgomery in Handcuffs via Meredith Grey”, check out_[ **_RED is the new BLACK._**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23737411) **_)_**

So rest easy, folks, while you wait for the next Chapter of “Soothe”.

* * *

**THANKS FOR READING "SOOTHE," SPEAK WITH ME IN THE COMMENTS? PLEASE :D**

* * *

_Author's Note 3:_

Well, that's all for now, folks, unfortunately, I must say.

Thanks of course for reading, I will chat with you soon in the comments.

Much love and yours, truly,

_bobbiejelly_

[ **bobbiejelly** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	17. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Is he still there?"

_Author's Note:_

Thanks, all, for those who jumped right on to read the last chapter right away!

Am blown away by the glowing feedback on that one, glad you enjoyed the angst.

Here we are picking up where we just left off.

This is back to the work-consistent Meredith-centric third-person-limited.

Take care of yourself!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

PREVIOUSLY ON "SOOTHE":

* * *

"I'll see you both at work. See how you're doing then, if you still both hate me," Derek smirks.

"At work, we will be professional, and no more, not even friends," Meredith insists to Derek.

"Likewise," says Addison. "And you don't get to be upset that Meredith and I are now friends."

"Well, good luck with your lives," Derek says with a sneer. "Thanks," Meredith and Addison say,

They accept it because it's easier than fighting the heated sarcasm. They don't mean it, though.

"Oh, and by the way, Derek. I found your ring, in your tux, I already knew," Meredith confesses.

"Is that why you ran away to Addison? To stall for time to give me a damn answer?" Derek yells.

"It wasn't my intention, it just happened," Meredith explains. "I was happy to just listen," Addison offers.

"Well I'm glad you both still have each other as a whore of a friend," Derek rolls his eyes at them both.

"Goodbye, Derek," Addison leads Meredith off "Goodbye, Derek," Meredith says. They walk away from him without looking back. They walk into Addison's hotel room, and Meredith shuts the door, and shakes until Addison double-locks the door, and even then some. They both cry, and sob, and bawl their eyes out... And they don't stop.

* * *

END OF FLASHBACK SEQUENCE.

* * *

**Soothe**

* * *

_In Which Meredith teaches Addison how to self-soothe._

_Before Meredith married Derek, and After she'd almost told Addison she liked her._

_F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. GA/PP Fanfiction._

_Set during GA - "Before After/An Honest Mistake & PP - Acceptance/Ex-Life. Rated M._

_Inspired by "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by lespians, "Blame Game" by LordOfLezzies, "All We Ever Are We Are" by SilverStarsAndMoons and "I'll Feel Better When The Headaches Go Away" by StepIsInsanity._

* * *

**Chapter 17: Aftermath**

* * *

" _Is he still there!?"_

* * *

1

Meredith Grey and Addison Montgomery collapse against Addison's hotel room door. They land in a heap pressed against the back of it, shuddering at every footfall they hear from Derek Christopher Shepherd, their _now_ _mutual ex_ , who is stomping away furiously. "Is he still there!?" Meredith cries out to Addison in a hushed whisper, as they both just keep bawling their eyes out.

Eventually, the footsteps diminish, and Addison checks through the peephole and waits for ten extra minutes before she opens the door quickly to place the 'do not disturb' sign on the door handle before locking both locks securely again. Meredith asks Addison to call down to the reception desk to ask them not to allow Derek in again. They agree and promise they won't.

Meredith bursts into tears again, as does Addison, and they reach for each other simultaneously. Addison pulls Meredith into a hug, and Meredith clings onto the taller woman for dear life, tears streaming down her own face as she can feel Addison's tears falling onto her shirt. They sit there, against the hotel room door, cell phones in hand for a very long time.

Meredith can feel Addison leaning onto her head, and Meredith does the same against Addison's. They don't talk for a long time. They don't try to compete or compare their shared pain. They don't try to dry each other's tears. They just let them keep falling until they feel as though they might not have any left. When Meredith's sobs turn into whimpers, Meredith can feel Addison pulling her even closer.

The familiar shoulder to lean on against the wall helps Meredith, and it seems to be helping Addison, too. Meredith wonders how Addison reacted the time she left Derek. Then Meredith remembers that she found her own panties on a bulletin board and she found Addison crying in a supply closet alone and bellowing to 'pick a floor because I just need a minute away from you'.

Meredith is glad that Addison is not yelling for her to leave her alone now after she has been wounded, too. Meredith is glad that she, herself, is not bellowing for Addison to leave her alone to her troubles. There is a small broken piece of her that wants to do just that; that wants to spare Addison of her own emotional turmoil; after all, Addison shouldn't have to go through this twice. But she shouldn't have to be alone after Derek's bullying, either. So Meredith just keeps leaning on Addison's shoulder, and Addison keeps leaning onto hers, in return.

* * *

2

Eventually, Addison has an important idea to call Mark Sloan, Derek's best friend, to warn him that Derek might come over to his apartment and be in an angry mood. They call and leave two messages, but each time the number goes through to voicemail. Meredith calls Lexie Grey, Mark's boyfriend, instead, and she picks up on the first ring. "Hello?" Lexie asks her curiously.

"Hey, Lexie, I just wanted to let you know that I'm safe, and Addison is safe, and that I just broke up with Derek," Meredith begins, before breaking down into tears again. Addison takes over the phone off Meredith's gesture, and she continues to say "Derek might come around Mark's place, and he's in rough shape. We just wanted to give you a heads up," Addison offers for Lexie.

"Oh, thank you, really, thank you Doctor Montgomery," Lexie says formally, as she's only known Addison, really, as Archer Montgomery the patient's sister, who is also a surgeon. "You can call me Addison, while not at work, Lexie," Addison offers her. "Oh, thank you, Addison," Lexie says quickly. "I know it might be weird hearing from me, Lexie, given you're dating Mark now" Addison mentions.

"Why?" Lexie asks her, rather confused, and Addison gives Meredith a rather horrified look as if to say 'she really doesn't know who I am?!'. Meredith offers her hand out to take the phone again, and Addison offers it to her. "Lexie," Meredith begins softly. "Addison used to date Mark, back in New York, and also briefly in Seattle. She's not interested in him, anymore, though," Meredith says succinctly.

Meredith can see Addison mouthing her a 'thank you', as if to communicate that she's glad that Meredith didn't elaborate on the whole affair-then-divorce story, to which Meredith only shrugs as if to say 'we've had enough of that drama already, tonight'. Lexie chats with Meredith a bit more and says she can always call her, as a sister, if she needs that. Meredith thanks her.

Lexie says goodnight and even offers a thank you to Addison for sharing part of her story. Addison says "you're welcome," with a sigh, and Meredith realizes that there will probably be more questions and answers later about Addison with her half-sister. Meredith tries to push this from her mind, now, as she hangs up the phone, their mission accomplished. Mark still doesn't answer either of them again.

* * *

3

Meredith steps into the washroom to call Cristina Yang, her best friend and person, to tell her what happened and Addison equally calls her best friend and person, Naomi Bennett. They reconvene in the 'living room' of the penthouse hotel suite, where Addison gets out the glasses for water again, and offers one over to Meredith. Meredith "wants something stronger," though.

Addison says she does, too, but tells Meredith "that's not a good idea, for either of us, right now," and Meredith nods and takes the water glass and sips it slowly as if to replenish her future store of tears to cry even more tonight. At this point, Meredith looks up at Addison as if to say 'what the hell do we do now, in the _aftermath_ of me leaving Derek and him yelling at both of us'.

Meredith sees Addison shake her head, slightly, at first as if to say 'I have no idea', but then she sighs and offers Meredith a sad smile, and asks if she wants to talk or if she just wants to watch some TV, again, for a little while. Meredith seems to understand that Addison is not going to budge on offering any of the minibar alcohol to her (or for her to drink it, either, for that matter)...

Meredith realizes she hasn't answered any of Addison's questions out loud yet, and she's not sure what she wants, and that's the whole fucking point. So Meredith just starts sobbing again (apparently, her tears replenished themselves, already), and Addison sighs and walks right on over to hold her again. "Would you like to sit somewhere more comfortable, Meredith," she asks.

Meredith says "sure," because she wants to, and she figures Addison needs that more than she does, given her age (though she would _never_ say that out loud to her, or anyone else, ever). Addison shifts over to the 'bedroom' part of the suite and Meredith tries not to visibly swallow hard at the thought. Mer is single now, and Addie is single but they are not ready for sex yet.

_('Sex with anyone, not only potentially with each other…' Meredith forces her mind to be courteous to Addison's potential hypothetical other love interests besides herself, inside her own damn head… Meredith figures Addison deserves whomever she wants after she stood between her and a metaphorical bullet onslaught earlier today in the hotel lobby and also the elevator...)._

* * *

4

Meredith can see Addison shifting indecisively and she thinks she knows why. "It's okay, we can get dressed for bed first, I don't mind, I think I can stand on my own two feet. I mean I do want your support but I can handle myself. We can change into something different from today, first, because I think that will help us both settle in, after what just happened between him and us…"

Meredith knows she's speaking to Addison on a much deeper level here than just about their pajamas. But Mer's not going to say the deeper things to Addie, now, and she knows that Addison won't want to hear them from her, now, anyway even if she hypothetically might in some universe want to hear her say such things to her at a later date. "Sounds good," Addie replies.

Meredith realizes she has no more clean clothes to wear and she just stands there while Addison picks out her own pajamas. Meredith watches as Addison selects a pair of red ones (' _they match her hair perfectly. Meredith thinks red is really her color. Actually everything is Addison's color…' Meredith swallows hard again at the thought._ ). Meredith just stands there.

Addison's eyes shoot up to Meredith in alarm at her glazed-over expression, Or at least, that's what Meredith figures she must look like right now _(because she sincerely hopes the lust and vehement adoration is non-apparent from her exterior…)_ , and Meredith tries to look for the clothes Addison had already lent her. "Oh, goodness, of course, I'll pick out some for you!"

Meredith can hear Addison's voice chime out for her and she audibly whimpers at how sweet Addison is being to her. Meredith knows that Addison just spent over an hour with her ex-husband shouting all her past failures at her and she's still here getting Meredith fresh bedclothes and Meredith can't stand how hard she is falling for this woman right now…

"You don't have to-" Meredith's voice breaks and she bursts out into tears again and Addison leaps up from where she was standing near the dresser and she makes her way to Meredith in the same hurried way that Meredith remembers she ran towards Addison when she had heard her crying out in her sleep the first night here. "It's okay, it's okay, you're okay, you're okay…"

* * *

5

Meredith realizes that Addison is probably thinking she's crying over some memory of Derek and she's not going to change her mind right now so she just keeps crying harder into Addison's shirt because she hasn't gotten a chance to change into the red pajamas she still has in her hands, yet. And Meredith is careful not to let her tears fall onto those not to give Addie a chill.

Meredith can feel Addison holding her tight in her arms and Meredith can feel how her body tucks neatly into the redhead's and how safe she feels standing beside her. Meredith still hates herself for wanting someone she knows she probably could never have. But she doesn't take her hatred out on Addison because that isn't Addie's fault; it's only hers. Meredith cries harder.

Very quickly Addison starts crying again and Meredith doesn't know why but she wants to because Addison goes out of her way to spare other people so she wants to spare Addison any pain that she can, no matter how she's torn up inside she wants to be there for her, always. "Are you okay?" Meredith sniffs through her tears and clears her throat to ask this semi-clearly.

"I will be," Addison promises Meredith, without giving any indication about what she is still crying about on Meredith's shirt of Addison's that she is currently wearing. "You know, I meant what I said the other day, Addie," Meredith begins because she can't contain herself anymore. "You're worth worrying over, you're worth worrying over, you really are…" Mer repeats again to Addie.

The last time Meredith said this, it made Addison eventually stop crying. This time it just makes Addison cry even harder and that makes Meredith squeeze her tighter until Addison's breaths come out short because Meredith is giving her a bear hug with every ounce of muscle she's ever had… "Thank you, you don't have to be so kind to me," Addison cries into Meredith's shoulder.

"You know I was thinking the same about you?" Meredith finally explains as she nuzzles up into Addison's chin. Addison shifts and Meredith looks up and tries to see the light inside Addison's eyes. Meredith thinks she can start to see flecks of it, shining on through the darkness, starting to burn brighter, yet again… "Oh, Meredith, you don't have to apologize for your heartbreak!"

* * *

6

Meredith really loses it when she hears Addison say that part and she doesn't stop bawling for what feels like hours. Mer has shared more of her soul with this person in the past few days in a way that she has only previously shared with Cristina and Addison is telling her personal things back and they are soothing each other but it's different than Cristina because she's _falling in love with Addison Montgomery._

_Meredith is falling in love with Addison 'in a really, really big – pretend to like her taste in music, let her eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window – unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you.' way… Except without that 'hate', at all… Meredith realizes she could never hate any part of Addison no matter how much she loved her._

Meredith remembers that speech that she once said to Derek Shepherd as she thinks of it with respect to Addison and she realizes she would make some changes to it. First of all, she would never say the 'pick me, choose me, love me' part ever again, and never to her, because Meredith already knows that Addie would hate that because Addison wouldn't want her to beg.

Meredith realizes she would never have to pretend to like Addison's taste in music because she always puts on 'Duran Duran' and 'The Eurythmics' and those are some of Meredith's favorites and she knows that Addison isn't just putting them on for her because she's never told Addison that and neither has anyone else because Addison confessed they were her guilty pleasure bands, too.

Meredith realizes that she already gave the end of her dessert to Addison because she knew if she watched Addison moan one more time at it that she's been on her lap in an instant and that, that would have to fall into the category of 'when something really, really, really _BAD_ , happens' because she'd not broken up with Derek yet and she didn't want Addison as her dirty mistress.

Meredith realizes that she's not sure why she ever said the part about the radio, because she doesn't own a radio and neither does Derek and neither did Addison the one time she had been to Derek's trailer after she had moved in with him (sort-of.. Because Addison had screamed earlier about how much she hated that monster and how she never moved in, spiritually).

* * *

Meredith tries to stop thinking about hypothetical love speeches for Addison Montgomery.

Instead, Mer tries to sniffle without getting it on Addison's shirts, and dry up her tears on her sleeve.

Meredith feels Addison finally looking down at her eyes again as Addison stops crying, too.

"Can we get ready for bed, now, and just talk some more later?" Meredith asks Addison.

Addison says yes, and she offers Meredith the first shower but Meredith offers it right back.

Meredith insists with her eyes so Addison heads to the washroom and showers very quickly.

Meredith half-regrets sending Addison first because she knows Addie is saving her, hot water.

Meredith just didn't want to see Addison shivering any longer from all of their tears shed on her.

When Addison emerges Meredith can see her eyes are even redder. She heard sobs over the faucet.

Addison shakes her head as if to say 'no, please, don't pity me,' as Meredith looks away and heads off to shower Addison hands her a pair of purple pajamas and everything else that she needs for the night. Meredith doesn't tell her she wasn't pitying Addie; that look in her eyes she was hiding, was far from pity, it was far sadder than that because it was a pure look of _unrequited, and yet, completely, true,_ _love._

* * *

*****

*****

*****

*****

*****

******* END OF CHAPTER SEVENTEEN**

* * *

_Author's Note 2:_

There was an allusion to "Sex and Caring in Seattle" by Bluefall in that last chapter, with the ending of the chapter where they are crying, 'and they don't stop'. This is the ending of one of the chapters in the aforementioned story, albeit in a totally different context, well, mostly… And I loved that phrasing, and it worked so well here. So there you go, so I can feel less guilty for taking inspiration from other works, it happens… This is also a shoutout to one of my fav MerAdd stories of all time, and I hope someday to read the end of it (we can dream!).

Let me know how you liked this chapter, and it's returning to mainly a MerAdd focus from Meredith's eyes.

Let me know if you liked the inclusion of Mark and Lexie into the storyline, as well as more of Mer's thoughts, and the return of more subtle gestures.

Let me know if there is anything you'd like to see in a continuation of this, or if you want more at all?

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

Dedications for May 29, 2020, on Chapter 17:

Ao3:

Kristin_Aubrie, Lydialyn, EmyLilas, TheNetflixGal, for commenting on this already.

Darkmatter2001,TheNetflixGal, CPDLS, seattlerain879, I_dont_have_time_for_this, Davedemoneon, lydialyn, Kristin_Aubrie, EmyLilas, tisziny, oliviajames, Hotgitay, and Arissen as well as 7 guests left kudos on this work! Also AddisonAddek, LordOfLezzies, and addiesbaby for being around a bunch.

3 Subscriptions. 404 Hits. 20 Kudos. 9 Comment Threads.

Fanfiction:

faith3558 kaipulani, for the Favorite. Kaipulani for the Follow. No Reviews so far :(. 860 Hits.

Wattpad:

blackjackthings, itslexipedia, naylorholby, danielaperezsurga, grapesanatomyedits, new_being, addiesrep, for commenting and helping me through this process.

Ana_The_Heda who messaged me about 'being addicted to Soothe' which made my entire day. And outlawqueenpercabeth who always follows along with the stars!

774 Reads, 107 Stars, 115 Comments, the many people who added this to their readings lists...

This work is really popular here and there was a record-breaking 9 votes on the last Chapter!

Thanks to all the others who I do not know by name :D...

HAVE A GREAT DAY!

* * *

_And of course, other recently updated MerADD stuff to read while you wait for another update:_

####  [ **Prom?** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24438112)

_You see your panties tacked to a bulletin board the following morning and all you can think about is the fact that Addison Montgomery-Shepherd once had her hands all over your underwear. - Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Beginning at GA-S2-E27, "Losing My Religion". Rated M for Chapter 1, Rated E for Future Chapters. Femslash._

####  [ **101 McDalmatians** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24442180)

_Addison Montgomery asks Meredith Grey an important question about potential pet care._

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated T. Fluff, First Dates, & Domestic Bliss. _

####  [**Pen Pals**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24432550)

_Maya and Carina have to deal with loving each other from a distance._

_AKA: We wanted to write something together_

PEN PALS IS A JOINT VENTURE BETWEEN KyHasNoLife and I, 

Ky is a stunning authors and pairing up for a work is a dream come true!!!

####  [**Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160)

_You’re ‘in love’ again._

_-Addison Montgomery._

_As written to herself in her personal diary._

####  [ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

_In Which Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Things spiral from there. This is the story about what might have happened after Meredith asks Derek to "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me" but before he decides to do anything about it, and after SHE decides to do something about it._

Of which, there are a grand total of 43 Chapters on May 18, 2020.

And there’s much more to come for that, someday.

_(Oh, and if you wanted to read more about “Addison Montgomery in Handcuffs via Meredith Grey”, check out_[ **_RED is the new BLACK._**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23737411) **_)_**

So rest easy, folks, while you wait for the next Chapter of “Soothe”.

* * *

**THANKS FOR READING "SOOTHE," SPEAK WITH ME IN THE COMMENTS? PLEASE :D**

* * *

_Author's Note 3:_

Well, that's all for now, folks, unfortunately, I must say.

Thanks of course for reading, I will chat with you soon in the comments.

Much love and yours, truly,

_bobbiejelly_

[ **bobbiejelly** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	18. Afterlife?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reflections about what might be coming next for Meredith and also Addison after they have both firmly broken up with Derek Shepherd.
> 
> (To be clear, no, Addison and Meredith do not commit suicide or plot to, or even want to. This is mostly about something else, entirely...)

**SOOTHE CHAPTER 18 CONTENT WARNING: (Skip only if you don't want spoilers!)**

ONLY CANONICAL references of Meredith's drowning/suicide attempt, as well as Ellis Grey's previous (sort of) suicide attempt. This section is brief and there are no surprises if you have already watched Season 4, but listing these warnings here, anyway as I know that is important.

Also, small references to boy shape, size, weight, though not a major conflict in the character's lives.

_Author's Note:_

Welcome to another Chapter, folks.

Here we go!

See you at the end, in the comments.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

PREVIOUSLY ON "SOOTHE":

* * *

Meredith tries to stop thinking about hypothetical love speeches for Addison Montgomery.

Instead, Mer tries to sniffle without getting it on Addison's shirts, and dry up her tears on her sleeve.

Meredith feels Addison finally looking down at her eyes again as Addison stops crying, too.

"Can we get ready for bed, now, and just talk some more later?" Meredith asks Addison.

Addison says yes, and she offers Meredith the first shower but Meredith offers it right back.

Meredith insists with her eyes so Addison heads to the washroom and showers very quickly.

Meredith half-regrets sending Addison first because she knows Addie is saving her, hot water.

Meredith just didn't want to see Addison shivering any longer from all of their tears shed on her.

When Addison emerges Meredith can see her eyes are even redder. She heard sobs over the faucet.

Addison shakes her head as if to say 'no, please, don't pity me,' as Meredith looks away and heads off to shower Addison hands her a pair of purple pajamas and everything else that she needs for the night. Meredith doesn't tell her she wasn't pitying Addie; that look in her eyes she was hiding, was far from pity, it was far sadder than that because it was a pure look of _unrequited, and yet, completely, true,_ _love._

* * *

END OF FLASHBACK SEQUENCE.

* * *

**Soothe**

* * *

_In Which Meredith teaches Addison how to self-soothe._

_Before Meredith married Derek, and After she'd almost told Addison she liked her._

_F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. GA/PP Fanfiction._

_Set during GA - "Before After/An Honest Mistake & PP - Acceptance/Ex-Life. Rated M._

_Inspired by "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by lespians, "Blame Game" by LordOfLezzies, "All We Ever Are We Are" by SilverStarsAndMoons and "I'll Feel Better When The Headaches Go Away" by StepIsInsanity._

* * *

**Chapter 18: Afterlife?**

* * *

_Reflections about what might be coming next for Meredith and also Addison after they have both firmly broken up with Derek Shepherd._

_(To be clear, no, Addison and Meredith do not commit suicide or plot to, or even want to. This is mostly about something else, entirely...)_

* * *

1

Once Addison has dried her hair off, mostly, she wraps it in a towel before facing Meredith again. Meredith has since taken the time to compose herself and settle into the pajamas that Addison has lent her. They are a bit oversized because Addison is taller, and her hips are wider, (' _and_ _her ass and her breasts and her abs are bigger, too,' Mer tries to not think about that right now!)._

Meredith realizes that Addison is chuckling at her tugging her sleeves past her hands and saying that "you really are tiny, compared to me, and you look really adorable in oversized clothes,". The instant that Addison describes her as 'adorable' even in a friendly way, Meredith panics a bit and reddens significantly. Luckily for her, though, Addison just laughs alongside her.

"It's okay, as I said, it looks good in a way," Meredith can see Addison smiling at her endearingly. Meredith wonders why she didn't just tell Addison a joke earlier because the deep sound of her laughter causes all of Meredith's tears to resolve themselves to be replaced with happy gurgling noises as she giggles along with Addison cheerfully in a fit of shared laughter.

"This is good," Addison smiles. Meredith can tell it's not a sad smile like the last time. This is a genuine soft smile. Meredith sees Addison's eyes soften for her and she can feel her own eyes softening and she says "yes, this is really good," in response to Addison's statement. "It's really good to see you smile again, Meredith," Addison nods at her. "You too, Addison," Meredith replies easily.

Meredith does her very best not to read into this too much as she rolls up her sleeves the best she can so she can still feel the air on her hands. "Here, let me help with your ankles," Addison motions for Meredith to sit on a chair so she can roll them up tightly so Meredith will not trip over them. "You know, it's really probably good that you're not trying to wear my clothes," Meredith blurts out.

"OH MY GOD, I AM SO SORRY ADDISON I DID NOT MEAN TO CALL YOU FAT IT'S NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE AT ALL TOO BIG IT'S JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE TALL AND I NEVER SHOULD HAVE SAID THAT PLEASE FORGIVE ME, ADDIE, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT AND I'LL NEVER CALL YOU THAT AGAIN AND YOU ARE PERFECT AS YOU ARE," Meredith yells out.

* * *

2

This earns Meredith another endearing chuckle from Addison, which turns into a laugh, which turns into them both laughing again until Meredith starts to try to apologize for a second time before Addison cuts her off and says "it's okay, I knew what you meant. I think I tried to put your underwear on one time by accident and it was a little tight but not impossible and-" Addison rants.

"YOU WHAT-!?" Meredith's eyes fly wide open at the implication of everything that Addison just said as she pictures her black panties from prom ending up in Derek's back pocket ending up in Addison's folded and ironed laundry and ending up on her body before she must have subsequently taken them off and washed, folded and ironed them _again_ after that for her…

"I think I got a little drunk after that prom night and I was hungover in the morning and I was about to get a divorce and I just reached for the closest thing and they were at the top of the laundry and that's how I figured out they were yours after having a bit of a crisis thinking that I'd suddenly gained twenty pounds overnight from the fake prom hors d'oeuvres…" Addison smiles sheepishly.

Meredith tries not to redden entirely at Addison's admission and is blushing right now. Of course, anyone could be blushing in this situation so Meredith tries to recover anyway and not to stammer when she can think of a decent reply. "I'm sorry I made you feel fat, both times, I'm really sorry," Meredith apologizes profusely. " I felt _great_ about my body after I put on my own panties," Addison chuckles.

"Oh, goodness," Meredith giggles. "Well, I suppose that's why they keep changing up the pants sizes at stores to make you buy things," Meredith giggles again. "Yeah, probably," Addison rolls her eyes inwardly, having probably had fallen for that trick a few times, and Meredith seems to catch on and say she can relate to this. "You really like shopping?" Mer asks. "Yup," says Addie, a bit guiltily. "I just figured because you're so stylish," Addison blushes, and then Meredith blushes. "Thanks, Mer," says Addison. "You're welcome Addie," Mer offers a big smile right back to her.

"Did Derek ever find out about, that, you-?" Meredith tries to be coherent but just ends up babbling. "He knew I was having a rough morning, but to be fair, so was he- so he just grunted a lot and tried not to drink himself into a stupor at six in the morning after he and you- well, he was in a weird mood himself so he just mostly ignored my swearing and yelling," Addison shrugs.

* * *

3

"I'm-" Meredith goes to apologize again but Addison says that she's already forgiven her for prom so there's no need for her to grovel again. "It's okay, Meredith. It's really okay…" The way that Addison promises this, Meredith really wants to believe her. So she nods and she relaxes back into her chair. Meredith yawns loudly. All the adrenaline is crashing and she is exhausted.

Addison yawns in reaction and says to Meredith "well, I'm wiped, are you ready to settle into bed for the night?" Addison offers. "Sure," Meredith agrees and crawls over to 'her' bed that was theoretically rented for Naomi, and then she looks up curiously at Addison, who has since not moved at all from where she had just been standing. "Do you want to talk for a while?" Addie offers, as Meredith sets her alarm clock for work in the morning.

"Yeah," Mer says, and she's too shy to gesture for Addison to _literally crawl into 'her' bed with her_. But Addison does anyway, without hesitation. And Meredith lifts the blankets and leans over to tuck Addison's legs in. They're sitting parallel to each other, shoulders pressed together tightly. They are leaning up against the headboard with their hips to their toes tucked in.

Addison leans closer to Meredith, and Meredith sighs and puts her head on Addison's shoulder, content that Addison still wants to be physically close with her. "Thank you," Addison offers, without any type of explanation. "Why?" Meredith quirks her eyebrows funny at her. "For the snuggles, of course," Addison smiles softly. "Oh, of course, thank YOU, for the cuddles," Mer says.

Knowing that Addison likes her snuggles, _(at least in a friendly way!)_ Meredith nuzzles her head closer to Addison's neck and closes her eyes for just a moment. She doesn't want to fall asleep on Addison in case Addison still wants to sleep in a separate bed from her. Meredith just wants to enjoy the warmth for a moment. She feels safe here. And she has not felt safe in a long time.

"I feel really safe here," Meredith finally voices her last thought out loud. "I'm glad, Meredith. I do too, with you, here now…. Do you want to talk about that, though?" Addison asks, sounding incredibly concerned for Meredith. "I just, I just always felt a little on edge with Derek," Meredith sighs as she explains this to Addison. She expects to see pity in Addie's eyes when she looks up, but Addison's eyes look tired, and she just says "I know."

* * *

4

"The funny part is that I still crave him," Meredith rambles. "As in?" Addison eyes her without any judgment, only understanding. Meredith realizes that Addison is the only person who could ever probably understand how she is feeling right now. "What's weird is that I miss him, but not as much as I crave him. I crave Derek, but not only his love. I crave him not loving me, even more," Meredith says softly.

"Oh," Addison sighs as she pulls Meredith even tighter. Meredith allows Addison's warm arms to envelop her as she squeaks out her inner demons. She's never shared this with anyone, ever before. Not even Cristina. Meredith realizes she's hidden a lot of her relationship with Derek from Cristina, and that her shrink would probably say that's a bad thing. "You get it, though, don't you?"

Meredith asks Addison this, and her heart breaks for the older woman when she finally answers her 'yes'. Meredith pulls Addison close and squeezes on for dear life. Meredith has always suspected that her tumultuous relationship with Derek had been at least similar in many ways to Addison's, and she pales to imagine how Addison had been feeling after being with him over a decade.

"Do you still want it? The bad love? From Derek?" Meredith asks Addison very matter-of-factly. "Sometimes," Addison's voice breaks as she admits this. "I just feel it's familiar, you know?" Addison finally speaks with a wavering tone. "I really do know, you know," Meredith offers. "It's just, my dad was a cheater," Addison begins her story for a moment. "I thought I inherited it…"

"I'm hoping that's not the case, because, if so, I am totally screwed, also," Meredith blurts out before she tries very hard not to cut Addison off again. "Yeah," Addison chuckles. Meredith notices the shift in Addison's demeanor. She's calmer, now, Meredith thinks. Meredith realizes she's calmer, too. Meredith knows this is a lot to do with Addison's most reassuring company.

"I guess, about the bad love from Derek, I just think I expected to be treated badly because my father, 'The Captain', Montgomery, treated my mother poorly, and my mother, Bizzy Forbes was rather brittle herself," Addison explains to Meredith. "Yeah, insecure attachments," Meredith sighs in agreement. "My biological father Thatcher Grey abandoned us because Ellis kicked him out," Meredith begins.

* * *

5

Addison nods in understanding as Meredith explains a story she realizes Addison already knows about her mother, Ellis Grey, having had an everlasting affair with their Chief of Surgery, Richard Webber, and her even having done terrible things to try to get his attention, while Richard stayed with his wife, Adele Webber. "I think I like Derek because he felt familiar," Meredith sighs.

"As in?" Addison asks her to elaborate. "As in, Derek would yell, and drink, and he would sometimes leave me in the dust. All that was like my father and Richard Webber occasionally, though Uncle Richard never really was bad towards me, just stern, he's more my father than anything, but he's also my boss and it's annoying. And Derek is arrogant, like my mom…"

"Hmm, yeah, I hear that you saw a lot of your parent's ongoing conflicts reflected in your personal relationship with Derek, and I can imagine how that might have felt familiar," Addison validates Meredith's emotions back to her. "Was that what it was like for you, too?" Meredith asks her. Meredith realizes she enjoys this in a morbid way, comparing their 'Derek stories'.

"Probably," Addison sighs. "I actually never thought much about it until now, it was just such a part of my life for so long but then I tried to shut it off, and put Derek into a tiny box that I hardly ever opened. Like one of those pandora's boxes with snakes?" Addison offers. "Yeah. Snakes works. Derek has a bite when he lashes out and he yells," Meredith sighs, and Addison winces.

"Oh, God, I'm sorry," Meredith apologizes again when she feels Addison yelp a bit. "It's terrible, I thought I'd gotten used to living a 'normal life' after divorcing him, but I guess this trip brought a lot of it back, but I think it actually offered me even more closure," Addison finally mentions. Meredith is relieved by this, and she can sense Addison doesn't want to make her feel guilty.

"Can I ask you something, Meredith?" Addison finally asks her. "Sure?" Meredith responds, very curious why such a worried look. "Meredith, did you ever-" Addison tries again: "Did you ever try to end your own life?" Addison finally spits out. "Only the time I stopped swimming when I drowned, and I never had any impulses to, ever since, no matter how sad or hurt or helpless I felt," Meredith answers honestly. Meredith sees Addison sigh in relief, as she explains how she talked to her mother during her brief time being 'dead' before being revived again.

* * *

6

"You talked to Ellis Grey in the afterlife?" Addison asks her, and Meredith grins, and says her mother once cried for help in that way for Richard. But she explains the drowning next, "I talked with my mother, Ellis Grey, as she was about to die, and I was about to stop dying and for a few minutes we were both in purgatory together and she told me to go live and not die so I did I guess, and I saw Doc," Meredith tries to remember for Addison. "And you saw Doc?" Addison tries to clarify.

"And I saw Doc, our dead mutual McDog while I was dead for however long I was dead for. And it was really nice to see him wag his tail again and to pet him and hold him but I wouldn't recommend nearly dying just to see him again because he looked sort of sad for me and I had to see my McDog being sad and pitying me and I bet that you would, too, if you died and you'd hate that" Meredith says to Addison who nods at Meredith's assessment of her.

"What did Doc say to you, in the afterlife?" Addison asks Meredith. "What?" Meredith asks her, rather confused. "Well, you just said you talked with your mother Ellis Grey while you were sort of dead temporarily and she was sort of temporarily barely living so I figured maybe our dead dog had some last words of wisdom to offer us," Addison asks Meredith rather hopefully.

"Oh. Sorry, no. Doc couldn't talk to me in the afterlife. He just barked like he used to. It's not like they tell you, purgatory I mean. It's not all about talking animals. Just talking to other dead and about to be dead people," Meredith clarifies. "Oh," Addison says, trying to hide her disappointment. "I still miss him. Even though I got to see him in my brief afterlife,"

Meredith smiles sadly at Addison. "I miss him too," Addison curls herself into Meredith more. "I got poison oak over that dog," Addison laughs bitterly at the memory. "I thought you said the poison oak was karmically acquired through your sins of sleeping with Sloan?" Meredith quirks up an eyebrow. "God, I seriously do have another bone to pick with Derek." Addison yelps.

"I told him never to tell anyone about that, EVER!" Addison exclaims with a yelp. "Yeah. That would be a good bone to pick with him. Maybe you could also imagine yourself throwing Doc a metaphorical bone in his afterlife so you can imagine you got to see him happy one last time, too," Meredith offers to Addison.

* * *

"Thank you, Meredith. I think I just might. I'm imagining Doc is smiling at me with his McDog eyes right now," Addison smiles at Meredith."Hey, don't look into MY eyes when you say that, it's weird, you're imagining our puppy!" Meredith exclaims. "I promise I wasn't. I just wanted to joke about you having puppy dog eyes when you pout- because you totally do," offers Addison.

_('You're the one with the Ms. McDreamy eyes,' Meredith fights herself not to say this to Addison, now…)_

"Thanks," Meredith says shyly, looking down at the bedsheets. "Thanks for asking, Addie."

"About the drowning?" Addison asks her. "About all of it," Meredith takes her hand into hers.

"Did you ever try to end your own life?" Meredith asks Addison, seriously. "No, I didn't."

"You're not lying?" Meredith presses on. "No, I really have never tried or felt the impulse to."

"Thanks for asking, Meredith. Truly, thanks," Addison squeezes Meredith's hand into hers.

"You're welcome. No problem. You did the same for me," Meredith says tenderly. "Thank you."

"You know, this is morbid but I'm comforted by your experiences in the afterlife, about Archie."

"I really hope you don't lose your brother, Archer, but I wish him the best in his old age afterlife". And with that, Addison cuddles in closer next to Meredith and tucks her head into the crook of the smaller woman's neck. "Can I stay here, Mer, in case I have nightmares?" Addison asks Meredith, gesturing so she knows Meredith understands she means the bed. "Of course, Addie" Meredith smiles in acquiescence as she motions to shut off the lights. Meredith feels Addison smile into her sleep as she falls asleep herself in this woman's safe, reassuring, tender, and warm, soothing arms.

* * *

*****

*****

*****

*****

*****

******* END OF CHAPTER EIGHTEEN**

* * *

_Author's Note 2:_

As previously stated, this is not an effective coverage of subjects such as suicide. The conversations were all honest and truthful to this AU. It was still a minor part of this story arc though, as it's not an inherent focus of this fic, and I want to be clear that that does not mean I don't take these subjects seriously; I do. It's just that I don't want to go into that in "Soothe". Similarly with the comments about boy size/weight/shape etc, I do not want to downplay serious issues about these things, but in this situation, they are only standard-grade insecurities that are not a focus.

_If you or someone you know has suicidal thoughts or ideations, please seek medical attention!_

Thanks friends, hope you enjoyed this. Yes, this chapter does have a bit of overlap in content with other works that I have posted today, albeit with varied twists. It's sometimes frustrating to write several MerAdd stories with all different premises without repeating content, as there are limited canonical moments on the show, especially for Addison, to draw on in 3 ish seasons.

In this Chapter, for me, at least, the part about Meredith craving the way Derek treated her in a way, describing this and having Addison relate... That was my favorite part to write. I really enjoy writing this hurt-comfort part of their dynamic. The concept of 'bad love' of Derek towards Meredith and Addison is also explored a lot in AliceSloane's work on Fanfiction which I ADORE!

Thanks for your patience with this, I hope you enjoyed this angst and also fluff, and meddison.

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

Dedications for May 29, 2020, on Chapter 18:

Ao3:

Kristin_Aubrie, Lydialyn, EmyLilas, TheNetflixGal, for commenting on this already.

Darkmatter2001,TheNetflixGal, CPDLS, seattlerain879, I_dont_have_time_for_this, Davedemoneon, lydialyn, Kristin_Aubrie, EmyLilas, tisziny, oliviajames, Hotgitay, and Arissen as well as 7 guests left kudos on this work! Also AddisonAddek, LordOfLezzies, and addiesbaby for being around a bunch.

3 Subscriptions. 409 Hits. 20 Kudos. 9 Comment Threads.

Fanfiction:

faith3558 kaipulani, for the Favorite. Kaipulani for the Follow. No Reviews so far :(. 867 Hits.

Wattpad:

blackjackthings, itslexipedia, naylorholby, danielaperezsurga, grapesanatomyedits, new_being, addiesrep, for commenting and helping me through this process.

Ana_The_Heda who messaged me about 'being addicted to Soothe' which made my entire day. And outlawqueenpercabeth who always follows along with the stars!

785 Reads, 111 Stars, 115 Comments, the many people who added this to their readings lists...

This work is really popular here and there was a record-breaking 9 votes on the last Chapter!

Thanks to all the others who I do not know by name :D...

HAVE A GREAT DAY!

* * *

_And of course, other recently updated MerADD stuff to read while you wait for another update:_

####  [ **Prom?** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24438112)

_You see your panties tacked to a bulletin board the following morning and all you can think about is the fact that Addison Montgomery-Shepherd once had her hands all over your underwear. - Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Beginning at GA-S2-E27, "Losing My Religion". Rated M for Chapter 1, Rated E for Future Chapters. Femslash._

####  [ **101 McDalmatians** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24442180)

_Addison Montgomery asks Meredith Grey an important question about potential pet care._

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated T. Fluff, First Dates, & Domestic Bliss. _

#### 

####  [**Pen Pals**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24432550)

_Maya and Carina have to deal with loving each other from a distance._

_AKA: We wanted to write something together_

PEN PALS IS A JOINT VENTURE BETWEEN KyHasNoLife and I, 

Ky is a stunning authors and pairing up for a work is a dream come true!!!

####  [**Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160)

_You’re ‘in love’ again._

_-Addison Montgomery._

_As written to herself in her personal diary._

####  [ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

_In Which Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Things spiral from there. This is the story about what might have happened after Meredith asks Derek to "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me" but before he decides to do anything about it, and after SHE decides to do something about it._

_(Oh, and if you wanted to read more about “Addison Montgomery in Handcuffs via Meredith Grey”, check out_[ **_RED is the new BLACK._**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23737411) **_)_**

So rest easy, folks, while you wait for the next Chapter of “Soothe”.

* * *

**THANKS FOR READING "SOOTHE," SPEAK WITH ME IN THE COMMENTS? PLEASE :D**

* * *

_Author's Note 3:_

Well, that's all for now, folks, unfortunately, I must say.

Thanks of course for reading, I will chat with you soon in the comments.

Much love and yours, truly,

_bobbiejelly_

[ **bobbiejelly** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	19. Hypothetical Hypotenuse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which hypothetical love may not be dead in the nethers...

_Author's Note:_

Hazah! I have not abandoned this one.

I love "Soothe," and it's a good challenge.

Here is Chapter 19!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

PREVIOUSLY ON "SOOTHE":

* * *

"Thank you, Meredith. I think I just might. I'm imagining Doc is smiling at me with his McDog eyes right now," Addison smiles at Meredith."Hey, don't look into MY eyes when you say that, it's weird, you're imagining our puppy!" Meredith exclaims. "I promise I wasn't. I just wanted to joke about you having puppy dog eyes when you pout- because you totally do," offers Addison.

_('You're the one with the Ms. McDreamy eyes,' Meredith fights herself not to say this to Addison, now…)_

"Thanks," Meredith says shyly, looking down at the bedsheets. "Thanks for asking, Addie."

"About the drowning?" Addison asks her. "About all of it," Meredith takes her hand into hers.

"Did you ever try to end your own life?" Meredith asks Addison, seriously. "No, I didn't."

"You're not lying?" Meredith presses on. "No, I really have never tried or felt the impulse to."

"Thanks for asking, Meredith. Truly, thanks," Addison squeezes Meredith's hand into hers.

"You're welcome. No problem. You did the same for me," Meredith says tenderly. "Thank you."

"You know, this is morbid but I'm comforted by your experiences in the afterlife, about Archie."

"I really hope you don't lose your brother, Archer, but I wish him the best in his old age afterlife". And with that, Addison cuddles in closer next to Meredith and tucks her head into the crook of the smaller woman's neck. "Can I stay here, Mer, in case I have nightmares?" Addison asks Meredith, gesturing so she knows Meredith understands she means the bed. "Of course, Addie" Meredith smiles in acquiescence as she motions to shut off the lights. Meredith feels Addison smile into her sleep as she falls asleep herself in this woman's safe, reassuring, tender, and warm, soothing arms.

* * *

END OF FLASHBACK SEQUENCE.

* * *

**Soothe**

* * *

_In Which Meredith teaches Addison how to self-soothe._

_Before Meredith married Derek, and After she'd almost told Addison she liked her._

_F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. GA/PP Fanfiction._

_Set during GA - "Before After/An Honest Mistake & PP - Acceptance/Ex-Life. Rated M._

_Inspired by "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by lespians, "Blame Game" by LordOfLezzies, "All We Ever Are We Are" by SilverStarsAndMoons and "I'll Feel Better When The Headaches Go Away" by StepIsInsanity._

* * *

**Chapter 19: Hypothetical Hypotenuse**

* * *

_In which hypothetical love may not be dead in the nethers..._

* * *

1

Meredith Grey wakes up in Addison Montgomery's soothing arms when she can hear her alarm cooing her softly awake with warm music for work. "Mm?" Addison mumbles and Meredith tries to move as little as possible to press 'snooze,' to shut her phone sound off. "I still have a few minutes," Meredith sighs contentedly back into Addison's embrace and Addison holds her there.

Meredith feels all warm and cozy and she's too groggy to question anything right now. Meredith relishes the way Addison has her cheek tucked to her cheek on the side of her face, and how Addison's palms are tucked together around her middle, and how Addison is the perfect size to be her 'big spoon,' with her knees tucked behind her own. "Thanks, Addie," Mer says to her.

"Mm, cozy, Mer," Addison snuggles in harder, not wanting Meredith to go off right away. They stay like this, mostly, because Addison starts stroking Meredith's shoulder and hair and Meredith nuzzles her head up approvingly into Addison's chin. "You like this?" Addison asks Meredith as she curls Meredith's blonde hair into her fingers. "Yes, I do," Meredith admits to Addison, now.

Meredith realizes there's nothing to feel guilty about anymore, and this is platonic and friendly anyway. So Meredith just allows Addison to keep soothing her hair back as she cuddles into her and massages hands with her fingers and thumbs. "I really missed having someone hold me in bed," Addison admits finally, to Meredith. "But you're holding me, now?" Meredith quirks back.

"Only because you're little," Addison chuckles, and you're doing that nice thing with my hands," Addison points out and Meredith keeps going with the thumb circles now that she's sure Addison really likes it. "I missed it, too," Meredith says. "But I thought you and Derek…" Addison trails off as she hears Meredith's breath catch. "Derek never wanted to snuggle," Meredith sighs.

"Oh," Addison says, and Meredith realizes that Addison might have been different with him. "Did Derek used to snuggle you?" Meredith asks Addison curiously. "Only when he wanted something, or when he felt guilty," Addison sighs, not bothering to lie to Meredith to protect their now mutual ex-Derek. "I'm sorry," Meredith says. "I'm sorry, too," Addison says. "Cuddle me!" Meredith insists to Addison. And Addison does.

* * *

2

When the snooze button goes off again, Meredith sighs and shuts off the alarm before extricating herself from Addison's grasp. "Do you have to go?" Addison whines a little. "Yeah, work. I had yesterday off, remember?" Meredith says tenderly to Addison. "Okay," Addison says softly. "I'm coming with you, anyway," Addison sighs as she sits up in bed. "For my Archie…"

"Right, Archer," Meredith says tenderly, chiding herself for forgetting about Addison's brother amidst all her relationship drama. "I think he's alright, if he was doing poorly, Derek Shepherd would have told us last night, or Naomi Bennett would have called me," Addison reassures Meredith. "Yeah, I can't believe you're this calm, still," Meredith says as she gets ready.

"Having you around to keep me warm really does help," Addison offers, and Meredith blushes profusely. "I'll order breakfast," Addison says nonchalantly as she pulls out her own phone and announces to Meredith she was right, because her text from Naomi reads 'Archer's cool,' and Meredith laughs at this. "I'll check up on them to make sure they're not naked," Meredith offers.

"Thanks, Meredith," Addison says gratefully. "They are not two people I want to walk in on," Addison grimaces. "Can you please do that for me with my sister Lexie and Mark?" Meredith asks Addison. "Sure, though I don't think me seeing Mark naked in front of his girlfriend would go well," Addison winces. "Right, they'll both be jealous of you," Meredith blurts out too fast.

"You think your sister would have a thing for me, Grey?" Addison blurts out at her previous statement. "Yeah, you're right, we don't have the same tastes because I don't like Mark," Meredith shrugs her shoulders before Addison orders the food and says, "wait, Mer, you never answered me what your type in women was!" In exclamation. "Neither did you, Addie…" Mer replies.

"Are you going to tell me?" Addison asks the other woman, incredulously. "Are you?" Meredith challenges, as she brushes her teeth. "I will if you will?" Addison offers, as she moves to pick out something suitable for Meredith to wear and for her to wear to the hospital. "I'm not sure if I'm ready to know all this information," Meredith stutters as Addison hands her spare scrubs.

* * *

3

They eat breakfast in silence, as Meredith and Addison try to avoid looking at each other knowingly about the fact that they just pointedly avoided talking about their own 'types,' in women. "You know," Meredith starts talking. "You said you had a reason not to tell me your type in women and that was Derek, and now I dumped him, SO SPILL, ADDIE!" Meredith pleads her.

"Okay, well, I have a thing for slender blonde women who have talented fingers," Addison says cryptically. "That's really vague," Meredith groans at Addison a bit thickly. "Your turn, we keep going," Addison challenges. "Fine, I like redheaded women, okay?" Meredith grumbles, not meeting Addison's gaze. "I'm not fussy on height, and I like smaller breasts…" Addison adds.

Meredith blushes at the word 'breasts,' and recovers as she explains that "I like rounded curves and a bit of an ass," with a slight smirk. So far, Meredith is trying to keep it together because Addison's type seems to line up with her appearance and she's trying not to get her hopes up while still implying she's interested in someone who is like Addison (well, who IS, Addison…).

"Mm, you do seem to stare at my ass," Addison smirks at Meredith, whose eyes fly open in panic before she settles on a smug grin. "And you, are staring at my chest," Meredith hushes to Addison, who was, in fact, staring at Meredith's chest as her eyes snap back up to Meredith's in alarm. "Mm, like what you see?" Meredith flirts openly with Addison with a wide smirk.

Meredith never thought for the life of her that she would ever be able to actually flirt with Addison Montgomery, much less have Addison flirt back with her. But now her eyes are wide, taking in the sight of Addison biting her lip before telling her, "I do, Meredith. I really do," in a soft tone. "What, really!?" Meredith snaps out of flirtation In exclamation. Mer's shocked at Addie.

"Yeah?" Addison questions at Meredith's shock. "What? You were my competition for Derek for ages back then, I've sized you up in my mind a few times, haven't you?" Addison asks Meredith casually. Meredith's mouth remains agape at Addison's overt admission of 'checking her out,' not only now but since years long past. (' _Addison has been staring at me, too,' Meredith thinks)._

* * *

4

"I never thought someone like you would be interested in someone like me," Meredith just says as she moves to pin up her hair and use some of Addison's makeup on her face. "Someone like me?" Addison asks her to elaborate. "You're just…" Meredith takes a deep breath before beginning her monologue. Meredith realizes that there's no time like the present for confessions...

"You showed up in Seattle, and you were Addison Shepherd," Meredith begins, and Addison bites her tongue at the one. "You were so enchanting, like a queen, and you had all the looks, and all the talent, and all the finesse in the O.R and with the patients, and you stood up for me…" Meredith explains to Addison. "I didn't always," Addison counters. "I fought you for Derek…"

"You were his wife, you had every right to," Meredith shrugs. "I cheated with Mark," Addison reminds her. "He had every right to be angry, though I'll admit his silent departure then creating a love triangle between us was a tad bit annoying," Addison shrugs a bit. "Besides, you're young and whimsical and you have glowing skin, and you're compassionate and passionate and-" Addison starts.

Meredith is taken aback by all of the nice things Addison has to say to her. Meredith has long since started hating Addison, but she has no idea when Addison stopped hating her back. "You know, it's funny, now that we're both openly more than straight, the love triangles all have other possibilities," Addison says with a chuckle. "Huh?" Meredith squints a bit at Addison, then.

"As in, I married Derek, then slept with Mark, then divorced Derek, and you dated Derek, then left him, then took him back, then never married him," Addison summarizes the part they both already know before adding, "and there was always the possibility that you and Mark could date or hook up, but you didn't and you won't probably because Mark's seeing your sister," Addison continues.

"Did you know that Derek almost dated my sister Lexie one time?" Meredith interrupts Addison with this admission. "WHAT?" Addison says, rather shocked. "Yeah, Lexie told me that Derek almost picked her up at the same bar as he did me, once, after we broke up at Burke and Cristina's non-wedding, and Derek hit on Lexie not knowing who she was but she said no," Meredith giggles.

* * *

5

"Okay, now THAT, is hysterical," Addison laughs. "Can you imagine if Derek ended up sleeping with Lexie?" Meredith says in a fit of giggles. "Well, to be fair, Mark has slept with every single one of Derek's sisters at some point, already, I believe," Addison offers. "How is Derek still best friends with him?" Meredith blurts out. "I'm not sure he knows, or maybe?" Addison shrugs.

"I'm not sure how I would feel if Cristina slept with Lexie, though that seems unlikely because Lexie really likes Mark, and Cristina texted me that she's in a love triangle with Owen and Owen's ex-wife, Beth, who apparently was a teacher, and Owen broke his engagement with Beth in a two-line email," Meredith offers. "Umm?" Addison asks in question. "Shit," says Meredith.

"You need to forget what I just implied about Cristina please, Addison, because I don't actually know if she's straight or more than that it was all hypothetical," Meredith pleads with Addison. "Of course," Addison orders it, and continues her explanation. "You see, as I was saying, now that there's the potential for gay girl romances, that the hypotenuse of the love triangle can connect."

"As in, which love triangle?" Meredith begs Addison to clarify. "Ours?" Addison replies and smirks when Meredith flushes significantly at the word 'ours,'. "See, before, Derek was the epicenter and we were just the two outlying points of the love triangle, right?" Addison tries to illustrate with her fingers. "So the hypothetical hypotenuse would be you and I," Addison says.

"So, you're saying that because the line between us used to be the furthest away, because we were only connected by Derek who we both were with at some point, but now we're both openly not just straight, so if we were to… Well if we were to-, then it would be the hypotenuse of the metaphorical hypothetical love triangle because it would be the longest line formed?" Meredith rambles.

"Precisely," Addison smiles, congratulating Meredith on her stellar interpretations of geometry. "Whoa, that's a lot of math in the morning, my head hurts," Meredith sighs a bit after the long explanation. "Yeah, thinking of it all makes my head hurt too, sometimes," Addison chuckles, "think of it as more possibilities, I guess?" Addison shrugs. _('I'm a possibility for Addison, now!' Meredith tries not to shout aloud)._

* * *

6

"If you're hungry, breakfast is here!" Addison says cheerfully as she answers the knock on the door, tips the bellhop, and brings in their first meal of the day. "WAFFLES!" Meredith is immediately distracted by the delightful sight of the platter. "And berries, and whip cream," Addison smiles. "I think Cristina mentioned you liked them," Addison muses aloud for Meredith.

"They even have the real maple syrup," Meredith exclaims as she runs over to join Addison at the table. Addison says "fork," and "knife," as she hands Meredith the cutlery as if she were handing Meredith the surgical instruments. Meredith is grateful that the tricky subject of the 'Addison-Derek-Meredith,' hypothetical hypotenuse love triangle is at least postponed for now.

"Cheers!" Addison offers Meredith a flute of orange juice, sensing that Meredith might want to change gears, for the moment, so to speak about topics. "Cheers!" Meredith says, even though she's not sure what she is cheering for. It feels like a celebration, and Meredith decides that the fact that she's not going to get engaged to Derek Shepherd is enough of one for her, now.

"You know, I never did want to be 'Meredith Shepherd,' Meredith finally admits to Addison. "You know, the only time I ever called myself 'Addison Shepherd,' was that one time for you?" Addison realizes aloud. "Umm, I feel special even though, as I quote, you told me, 'Addison Shepherd… And you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband!' that time,".

"Erm, as I said, I was a bit petty back in those times," Addison apologizes lightly. "Well, I mean I had been screwing your husband," Meredith shrugs. "He didn't tell you, the bastard, and I also pinned your panties to a bulletin board," Addison reminds Meredith, "it was really passive-aggressive," Addison finally admits to Meredith. "I think you might have made Callie happy, though," Meredith laughs.

"Well, for a while," Addison laughs again. "I guess, at that time, Callie claimed the panties were hers, and George was jealous, but then they got married and Callie was Callie O'Malley and then George slept with Izzie and then they divorced and now Callie is a lesbian?" Meredith summarizes. "I'm not sure Callie has given up men, but she does like ladies," Addison laughs with Meredith at all of this.

* * *

"Did you actually ask Callie if she was 'Speaking the Vagina Monologues?" Meredith asks.

"I did," Addison laughs. "And then I said I was 'all for it,' after," Addison laughs with Meredith.

"Was that like, your 'coming out' line, but not?" Meredith asks Addison, curiously.

"Probably, or at least I wanted to test the waters with Callie, we were close, we still are," says Addison.

"Is Callie cool with you liking women?" Meredith asks Addison, then says, "and other friends?"

"I don't know if she knows, but it would be hypocritical for her not to be, right?" Addison laughs.

"Probably," Meredith laughs. Addison adds right away that "Naomi knew already, anyway."

"When did you come out to Naomi?" Meredith asks Addison. "College?" Addison shrugs.

"Why did you not come out in Seattle?" Meredith asks Addison. "Why didn't you?" Addison counters.

"I was married to a man anyway," Addison shrugs. "I dated the same man," Meredith shrugs back. And they both giggle again at the irony of that statement. "So we both came out and dumped the same man, Derek, but not necessarily in that order?" Mer asks, and Addie laughs.

* * *

*****

*****

*****

*****

*****

******* END OF CHAPTER NINETEEN**

* * *

_Author's Note 2:_

Reviewer_Only once described 'hypotenuse shipping,' to me, and that's where all this chapter is inspired from. Thanks.

Well, here's another fluffy and fun one before the two girls head to the hospital.

What will be in store for them, there? Tune in to find out once I figure it out for myself! LOL.

And yes, those were "Weeds," titles, from the Jenji Kohan show.

Apparently I wrote a lot of fanfiction for that show at one point that I hardly remember...

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

Dedications for June 3, 2020, on Chapter 19:

Ao3:

earsdimples, Kristin_Aubrie, Lydialyn, EmyLilas, TheNetflixGal, for commenting on this already.

earsdimples, Darkmatter2001,TheNetflixGal, CPDLS, seattlerain879, I_dont_have_time_for_this, Davedemoneon, lydialyn, Kristin_Aubrie, EmyLilas, tisziny, oliviajames, Hotgitay, and Arissen as well as 8 guests left kudos on this work! Also AddisonAddek, LordOfLezzies, and addiesbaby for being around a bunch.

4 Subscriptions. 506 Hits. 22 Kudos. 13 Comment Threads.

Fanfiction:

No Reviews so far :(. erindanielsx, faith3558, kaipulani, for the Favorites. Kaipulani for the Follow. 1055 Hits.

Wattpad:

steationsurrea, new_being, blackjackthings, itslexipedia, naylorholby, danielaperezsurga, grapesanatomyedits, addiesrep, for commenting and helping me through this process.

Ana_The_Heda who messaged me about 'being addicted to Soothe' which made my entire day. And outlawqueenpercabeth, Eleven_256 who always follows along with the stars!

852 Reads, 120 Stars, 123 Comments, the many people who added this to their readings lists...

This work is really popular here and there was a record-breaking 9 votes on the Chapter 15!

Thanks to all the others who I do not know by name :D… Hope to meet you someday in the Reviews!

HAVE A GREAT DAY!

* * *

_And of course, other recently updated MerADD stuff to read while you wait for another update:_

####  [ **Bubble** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24426472)

_Addison Forbes Montgomery is trapped for 28 days with only Meredith Grey in her house in Seattle. Will they stay enemies? Will they become friends? Will they become 'more than friends'?_

_Loosely Based on Current Events. MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Addison Montgomery/Meredith Grey. Rated E for Explicit. Spoilers through GA-S16-E21, PP-S6-E13 (aka now). Fluff, Humor, Romance._

####  [ **Love The Way You Lie** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24460222)

_Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway._

_-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover. _

_CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek. _

_*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*_

####  [**Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160)

_You’re ‘in love’ again._

_-Addison Montgomery._

_As written to herself in her personal diary._

####  [ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

_In Which Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Things spiral from there. This is the story about what might have happened after Meredith asks Derek to "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me" but before he decides to do anything about it, and after SHE decides to do something about it._

_(Oh, and if you wanted to read more about “Addison Montgomery in Handcuffs via Meredith Grey”, check out_[ **_RED is the new BLACK._**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23737411) **_)_**

So rest easy, folks, while you wait for the next Chapter of “Soothe”.

* * *

**THANKS FOR READING "SOOTHE," SPEAK WITH ME IN THE COMMENTS? PLEASE :D**

* * *

_Author's Note 3:_

Well, that's all for now, folks, unfortunately, I must say.

Thanks of course for reading, I will chat with you soon in the comments.

Much love and yours, truly,

_bobbiejelly_

[ **bobbiejelly** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)


	20. Faux?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If everyone thinks you're dating and you don't tell them you're not, does that make you actually dating already?

_Author's Note:_

Welcome back!

Thanks for all the comments on the last chapter, folks.

And thanks for all of the new followers of this story!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

PREVIOUSLY ON "SOOTHE":

* * *

"Did you actually ask Callie if she was 'Speaking the Vagina Monologues?" Meredith asks.

"I did," Addison laughs. "And then I said I was 'all for it,' after," Addison laughs with Meredith.

"Was that like, your 'coming out' line, but not?" Meredith asks Addison, curiously.

"Probably, or at least I wanted to test the waters with Callie, we were close, we still are," says Addison.

"Is Callie cool with you liking women?" Meredith asks Addison, then says, "and other friends?"

"I don't know if she knows, but it would be hypocritical for her not to be, right?" Addison laughs.

"Probably," Meredith laughs. Addison adds right away that "Naomi knew already, anyway."

"When did you come out to Naomi?" Meredith asks Addison. "College?" Addison shrugs.

"Why did you not come out in Seattle?" Meredith asks Addison. "Why didn't you?" Addison counters.

"I was married to a man anyway," Addison shrugs. "I dated the same man," Meredith shrugs back. And they both giggle again at the irony of that statement. "So we both came out and dumped the same man, Derek, but not necessarily in that order?" Mer asks, and Addie laughs.

* * *

END OF FLASHBACK SEQUENCE.

* * *

**Soothe**

* * *

_In Which Meredith teaches Addison how to self-soothe._

_Before Meredith married Derek, and After she'd almost told Addison she liked her._

_F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. MerAdd. Meddison. GA/PP Fanfiction._

_Set during GA - "Before After/An Honest Mistake & PP - Acceptance/Ex-Life. Rated M._

_Inspired by "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by lespians, "Blame Game" by LordOfLezzies, "All We Ever Are We Are" by SilverStarsAndMoons and "I'll Feel Better When The Headaches Go Away" by StepIsInsanity._

* * *

**Chapter 20: Faux?**

* * *

_If everyone thinks you're dating and you don't tell them you're not, does that make you actually dating already?_

* * *

1

The return from the Archfield to Seattle Grace Hospital is smoother than anticipated. At least the driving part is, at least. There are no mass casualties on the road. No detours or broken taillights. Nothing out of the ordinary, which, in Meredith Grey's is could be considered pretty damn ordinary, to tell the truth. Meredith sighs contentedly as they arrive at work in one piece.

"Well that was easy," Meredith comments as she tips the cab driver. "Yeah?" Addison shrugs until Meredith explains that when she's having a crisis, usually she ends up with something 'really really _bad_ happening _,'_ also, just to make it all worse. "Well, I guess you're right it's nice that neither of us drowned on our way to work today," Addison smiles. "Don't jinx it, Addison," Meredith grins.

As it turns out, the crisis had been yet to come, at the hospital, for them. Not a worms-in-the-brain-related medical crisis, luckily, though. As Meredith finds out as she immediately follows Addison to Archer Montgomery's room and knocks on the door before bursting in while Addison waits around the corner. "Morning!" Meredith says as she watches Archer groan out in protest while Naomi Bennett, Archer's girlfriend/Addison's best friend, does, too.

"SERIOUSLY!?" Meredith huffs as she watches Archer lick his fingers after taking them out of Naomi's pants. "We'll be finished in-" Archer begins as Naomi glares at her boyfriend, and Meredith slams the door on both of them, immediately. "PAGE ME WHEN YOU ARE BOTH FULLY CLOTHED!" Meredith yells from outside the door, and then, she shoots Addison a sympathetic grimace.

"Thanks, Meredith, seriously I probably definitely would have gone blind," Addison groans out. "Yeah. probably. You don't wanna know," Meredith says, gesturing to Archer's room that he apparently shares with Naomi. Addison agrees, and then Meredith finally gets a page from Archer that he's prepared for company. "Hey, sis," Archer says, grinning up at Addison.

"Hey, Archie, Nai," Addison says to her brother and best friend, both of whom are now presentable as they sit separately, Archer on his hospital bed and Naomi on a chair. Addison takes the chair opposite Archer and motions for Meredith to join them, and Meredith does. "So, little sis, I hear you have a new girlfriend, Meredith," Archer says to Addison, seriously. And Addison and Meredith's jaws both drop right to the floor.

* * *

2

"What?" Addison and Meredith exclaim in tandem and look at each other in shock. Naomi speaks up next and explains that Derek Shepherd has been by already and has told them that Meredith left him for his own ex-wife and that he's trying to be the 'bigger person,' and forgiving and all. Meredith and Addison's eyes widen at the story, as they realize Derek's nasty rumor plan.

"Could we have a minute?" Addison says to Archer and Naomi as she gestures for Meredith to follow her into the hallway and Meredith follows, equally stunned. This only seems to prove Derek's point further to Addison's brother and best friend, but Meredith doesn't say that she just waits for Addison to start talking with her. "I'm sorry, about Derek I didn't think he'd do this," Addison says.

"Me neither, though to his credit it's a pretty brilliant rumor because it makes him look good and it makes us both look super slutty," Meredith winces, and Addison sighs as she sees Meredith's beaten-down expression. "That man should never have gotten to call you a whore again," Addison rolls her eyes at the non-present Derek as Meredith says to Addison, "you either, you know…".

Meredith spies Archer and Naomi giggling together and pointing at them from the other side of the window and points this out to Addison. "They're laughing," Meredith groans. "They're always laughing at me, or Archer always was because he's my big brother, and Naomi teases me because she's my best friend, and now they tease me together, as a couple," Addison sighs.

"That's the worst. I can't imagine that, I guess I didn't grow up with my sisters, I mean I didn't grow up with Lexie Grey and I only talked to Molly Grey once, but I wouldn't want either of them to make fun of me with Cristina, dating or not dating," Meredith explains, "It sucks they're ganging up on you like that," Meredith says empathetically. "Thanks, Meredith," says Addison.

"At least they're both smiling at us," Addison points out. "Umm, is your brother giving us a dirty look?" Meredith gestures with her head. "Oh, you're right. Archer is thinking dirty things about lesbians, which would be weird except now he's thinking them about me, and also you, and I guess 'me and you,' and that's weird and Naomi is also thinking it too and that's weird," Addison rants.

* * *

3

"What are we going to do about all this?" Meredith asks Addison quickly, knowing they don't have all the time in the world. "Well, we could either set the record straight-" Addison begins before Meredith bursts out laughing at Addison's unintentional pun. "Right, somehow I don't think that'll go well seeing as I shoved my ex-girlfriend in Derek's face," Meredith sighs heavily.

"Or we could, not," Addison shrugs, and looks up at Meredith. Meredith looks at Addison in surprise as Addison has an unreadable expression. "Not what?" Meredith asks again. "Not 'set the record straight,' and just go with it," Addison explains. "What, and do what?" Meredith presses on, cheeks reddening. "We could put on a show, and play pretend," Addison shrugs.

"So, basically, so we're not giving Derek and also Archer and Naomi the satisfaction of succumbing to Derek's nasty rumors about us becoming lesbians together, we could pretend to become lesbians together, for show?" Meredith clarifies. "Well, yeah. I mean it's already set up for us, we went to Joe's together, you slept over, and we have dinner," Addison summarizes.

"So we basically just tell everyone the truth and let them attribute a dirty meaning if they so choose to?" Meredith deadpans. "Well, I don't think it's necessarily a 'dirty,' thing, but yeah I guess," Addison shrugs. "What do you mean?" Meredith says. "Well, you broke up with Derek last night, so if we had hypothetically hooked up after, I wouldn't be your dirty mistress," says Addison.

"But people are probably going to think stuff hypothetically happened the night before, after Joe's, and through that day we watched TV together and had chocolate moose, and I had not talked to Derek at all that day, so he's probably telling everyone I had an affair with you, which makes me twice over an adulterous whore and you the slutty McSatan," Meredith groans out.

"Why is this so funny?" Meredith says when Addison bursts out laughing. "It's just funny because in mine-yours-and-Derek's love triangle the first time you were the dirty mistress, and in this hypothetical rumor, this time I could be the dirty mistress, and at one point Derek was the dirty mister, and when we factor in Mark and George we get like, a pentagon," Addison laughs.

* * *

4

"Oh, God, please don't remind me about the 'me and George,' thing" Meredith winces. "Sorry, I guess he's to you, basically what Mark was to me, just someone who was in love with you when you needed it," Addison sighs. "You knew George was in love with me, then?" Meredith says rather astonishedly. "I was with him and Bailey when we got the news your hand was on a bomb at that time. George freaked out," Addison says.

"Did Bailey freak out?" Meredith asks. "Bailey was in labor, and her husband was with my then-husband, so she was freaking out anyway, but yeah she was worried about you, too," Addison articulates. "Were you… Did you worry about me?" Meredith asks Addison eventually in a vulnerable tone. Meredith knows she's going to find out either way, but she's really nervous.

"Yeah, I freaked out and yelled at George a bit. It wasn't one of my finest moments," Addison finally admits to Meredith. "How did George take it?" Meredith asks. "Like a champ. He really pulled through for Bailey, and he was grounding for me, too," Addison says. "Yeah, George is a good guy," Meredith smiles, and Addison says that he is, too. "Sucks Callie left him for a woman," Addison says.

"To be fair, George also slept with a blonde girl, Izzie, behind Callie's back, so they're kind of even," Meredith sighs. "Why is all of this relationship stuff, why does it all come down to 'getting even' with someone?" Addison sighs. "I have no idea," Meredith sighs also, as they contemplate their next move. "So what do you want to do?" Addison asks Meredith tenderly and Meredith swoons.

"You're just so damn nice to me," Meredith bursts out, and Addison gives her a hug. "You're the one who's been soothing me for the past week," Addison says, nuzzling her chin into Meredith's head. "You know, you deserve so much more than relationships that are just about getting even," Meredith says, trying not to insinuate herself into that last sentence too hard for Addison.

"So do you, Grey. So do you. The last time I lived here, I told Derek never to hurt you again. And he did. And then I came back to Seattle and said 'hey,' and he was with Rose and you were letting him get away so I made a big deal to Derek about you, and I told you to take him back and I'm sorry if that made you both hurt more, especially you, Meredith, I'm sorry," says Addison.

* * *

5

"You tried to be my wingman for your own damn ex-husband. Three times! That's really fucking nice," Meredith swears as she tries to convey how much it meant that Addison wanted her to be happy even when she had every reason to hate her but never ever seemed to. "You- You were always a better person than I was, I should have stepped aside, I should have, I should have…"

"A lot of things, I know. Me too, a lot of things," Meredith catches it and finishes Addison's sentence as well as her own. Meredith is just repeating what they both said at the bar the other night, but this time Addison tells her they've actually had that conversation three times now. "The first time I said that to you, and you said that back, you were on morphine," Addison admits.

"I only vaguely remember that," Meredith says. "I also vaguely that I talked to Mark, then, and called him McSteamy," Meredith also laughs. "I know this is very selfish, but I'm saying it in a not-selfish way I promise, now, because I do care about you…" Addison begins. "I'm really glad you never ended up pregnant with Derek's adulterous love-child," Addison nods at Meredith.

"Yeah, me too. Especially now, when you left him for good and I left him for good and he's spreading hateful things about both of us," Meredith says with a bite directed at Derek who is still not present. "It doesn't have to be hateful. I don't hate you, Meredith. And I don't consider the idea of dating you a terrible thing," Addison offers. "I don't hate you either, Addison, and-"

Meredith realizes halfway through her sentence that Addison just said that dating HER would be less than terrible. _('Holy shit, does she or could she maybe even want me back like that?' Meredith thinks to herself)._ "I don't consider the idea of dating you a terrible thing either," Meredith finally offers. Addison smiles at this. Meredith smiles even wider at this.

And then both of them are beaming at each other outside of Archer Montgomery's room that also contains Naomi Bennett and in the middle of the hallway of Seattle Grace Hospital. "So, what do you say about us pretend-dating?" Addison offers. "You would?" Meredith is still surprised. "Sure, of course," Addison says. "Are you doing this just for Derek?" Meredith says. "No," says Addison. "I would be doing this only for you," Addison confirms.

* * *

6

"You would fake date me just to help me?" Meredith squints at Addison, now. "Yeah," Addison shugs, and Meredith smiles. "That's the nicest thing ever," Meredith says in a squeaky voice, and then realizes her voice is all squeaky and she's nervous again. "What are the rules here?" Meredith says, accepting the proposition but wanting them to have a good talk, first.

"Well, do you have any rules you want?" Addison offers first. "I won't take advantage of you," Meredith blurts out. "Like, I won't get you drunk and take all your clothes off," Meredith explains right away. "I won't either," Addison says back, and Meredith instantly tries not to imagine Addison taking all her clothes off, sober or not at all sober, hypothetically speaking…

"I won't try to sleep with you either, like sober, unless, well, I just won't, because we're pretending," Meredith finally says shyly as she looks away from Addison a second. "Okay, well, I'll also do my best not to let you get me naked if you're going to feel bad about it," Addison chuckles, and Meredith's eyes widen again. "What, you just don't want me to feel guilty?" Meredith exclaims.

"Well, yeah, because you seem to really think that you'd be the one taking advantage of me, which I still find hilarious seeing as I'm a decade older than you, I was your boss for at least a year once, and I'm still an Attending and you're still a resident, alcohol or no alcohol," Addison says succinctly. "See, that's why I'm saying these things because I don't want to take advantage of you, either," Addison says.

"Well, you wouldn't be taking advantage of me, because I basically hid out in your hotel room and you protected me from Derek's rage and you're still here being my friend and you'd even fake date me and you care about how I feel and it's all just a lot of good feelings and I don't know what to think about it because I would be no good for you, Addison," Meredith shrieks.

"You think that you'd be, what? Bad for me?" Addison says. "Yeah, I'm a mess," Meredith sighs. "So am I," Addison sighs too. "You kinda are," Addison says gently. "So are you," Meredith says gently back. "Addison," Meredith takes a deep breath. "I don't want to fake date you because I want to date you for real. And you live in LA," Meredith confesses. "I could move," Addison confesses too.

* * *

"You would move states to be with me?!" Meredith says to Addison in alarm. "Well, it would be more like moving back here, again, anyway," Addison clarifies and confirms.

"But why, Addison? Why would YOU want ME?!" Meredith says. "I mean, for REAL?!"

"I-, I care about you, Meredith. You're my type, as I said. I just never told you till now," says Addison. "I care about you a lot, and you're my type, and I liked you before but I never said, and I do now," says Meredith.

"So, what do we do now?" Addison asks Meredith seriously, gesturing in between the two of them.

"Wha do you want to do now?" Meredith asks, wanting Addison to be the one to make the first move.

"Ah, well, I want to kiss you, is that okay with you, Mer?" Addison asks the Grey girl, softly.

"Only if it's for real, Addie," Meredith says. "It will be, it is completely real," Addison promises, and Meredith nods.

"Kiss me, for real, then," Meredith says boldly and Addison complies. When their lips touch, then part, Meredith sighs, and Addison sighs, and it feels to them like coming home after a really long day.

"What do you think?" Meredith asks Addison softly after it's over, with fear in her eyes that Addison might reject her now after she's kissed her. "Definitely real," Addison assuages Meredith's fears as well as her own. "I'm moving back to Seattle so I can keep doing that with you every day," Addison smiles at Meredith, who smiles right back up at Addison. "I hate when Derek is right all along!" says Meredith. "I want to forget about that and just keep kissing you more," says Addison, back.

"Let's just forget about Derek and all the boys and the bars and be done with all that. Let's just be us for now, and I can just keep kissing with you," Mer says to Addie, and Addie nods at Mer willingly about just that. Meredith says "thanks, Addison, about all of that, and mostly about all the kissing, let's just keep kissing, I just want to keep kissing with you, please kiss me, Addison,". And then, they, finally kiss again, and it's finally real. It's as real as it always was between Meredith Grey and Addison Montgomery, all along, as it always had been, in the first place.

* * *

*****

*****

*****

*****

*****

******* END OF CHAPTER TWENTY**

* * *

_Author's Note 2:_

So, the whole Archer-and-Naomi thing was never really fleshed out on the show so I thought I'd add that in here. I realize I'm not portraying Naomi as a great best friend at all times, apologies fictional Naomi. Sorry! I don't think she's actually that bad it was just a plot device in this one.

SO THEY KISSED FOR REAL! Happy? Did you like it?!

The story could end here, but I do have a few more small plot points that I'd like to insert before this one is closed completely.

Let me know what you thought of all of this slow-burn resolution so far. And let me know if you're interested in a few epilogue chapters. Were you expecting this plotline? Yes or no?

It's been done before, most notably in "I think I'm growing into (someone you could trust)" By StepIsInsanity. With a sort of different conclusion and premise though so I hope this worked out.

This one, I think I always wanted a happy ending for, and I was tempted to write it as an affair at first, but I wanted it to be about correcting the past and developing good habits and coping strategies.

So therefore, a lot happened in between then and we got the highest-ranked chapter 'standoff, crossfire,' out of it and I never expected to write that in the beginning.

Thanks so much to everyone who has picked up this story since it's inception. I think this is one of my better pieces and I hope this chapter has added positively to your experience.

The title and theme of this chapter is inspired by "Faux," by DeadlyViperAssassinxElleDriver on Fanfiction, and Orange Is The New Black, Alex Vause/Piper Chapman, story.

SEE YOU AROUND! AND THE NEXT PART WILL COME FASTER WITH KIND WORDS. YAY!

_bobbiejelly_

* * *

Dedications for June 8, 2020, on Chapter 20:

Ao3:

earsdimples, Kristin_Aubrie, Lydialyn, EmyLilas, TheNetflixGal, for commenting on this already.

Poco_piano,earsdimples, Darkmatter2001,TheNetflixGal, CPDLS, seattlerain879, I_dont_have_time_for_this, Davedemoneon, lydialyn, Kristin_Aubrie, EmyLilas, tisziny, oliviajames, Hotgitay, and Arissen as well as 9 guests left kudos on this work! Also AddisonAddek, LordOfLezzies, and addiesbaby for being around a bunch.

Subscriptions: 5 Hits: 580 Kudos: 24 Comment Threads: 14 Bookmarks: 0

Fanfiction:

No Reviews so far :(. erindanielsx, faith3558, kaipulani, for the Favorites. Kaipulani for the Follow. 1297 Hits.

Wattpad:

steationsurrea, new_being, blackjackthings, itslexipedia, naylorholby, danielaperezsurga, grapesanatomyedits, addiesrep, for commenting and helping me through this process.

Ana_The_Heda who messaged me about 'being addicted to Soothe' which made my entire day. And outlawqueenpercabeth, Eleven_256 who always follows along with the stars!

943 Reads, 135 Stars, 174 Comments, the many people who added this to their readings lists...

This work is really popular here and there was a record-breaking 9 votes on Chapter 15!

Thanks to all the others who I do not know by name :D… Hope to meet you someday in the Reviews!

HAVE A GREAT DAY!

* * *

_And of course, other recently updated MerADD stuff to read while you wait for another update:_

####  [ **Bubble** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24426472)

_Addison Forbes Montgomery is trapped for 28 days with only Meredith Grey in her house in Seattle. Will they stay enemies? Will they become friends? Will they become 'more than friends'?_

_Loosely Based on Current Events. MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Addison Montgomery/Meredith Grey. Rated E for Explicit. Spoilers through GA-S16-E21, PP-S6-E13 (aka now). Fluff, Humor, Romance._

#### 

####  [ **Love The Way You Lie** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24460222)

_Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway._

_-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey_

_MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover. _

_CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek. _

_*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*_

####  [**Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160)

_You’re ‘in love’ again._

_-Addison Montgomery._

_As written to herself in her personal diary._

####  [ **Falling Apart, Barely Breathing** ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480)

_In Which Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Things spiral from there. This is the story about what might have happened after Meredith asks Derek to "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me" but before he decides to do anything about it, and after SHE decides to do something about it._

_(Oh, and if you wanted to read more about “Addison Montgomery in Handcuffs via Meredith Grey”, check out_[ **_RED is the new BLACK._**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23737411) **_)_**

So rest easy, folks, while you wait for the next Chapter of “Soothe”.

* * *

**THANKS FOR READING "SOOTHE," SPEAK WITH ME IN THE COMMENTS? PLEASE :D**

* * *

_Author's Note 3:_

Well, that's all for now, folks, unfortunately, I must say.

Thanks of course for reading, I will chat with you soon in the comments.

Much love and yours, truly,

_bobbiejelly_

[ **bobbiejelly** ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note 2:
> 
> So this is the beginning of yet another something-something that I wanted to share about the life & times of Addison Montgomery and Meredith Grey. It's written in Meredith's perspective because I don't usually do that and I also never wrote anything about the crossover for MerAdd and I realized I should.
> 
> And I got inspired by this idea in "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by Illegal Kittens about Meredith and Addison having each other as sort of a 'therapy dog' after their own mutual dog had died and how it was such an effective means of self-soothing. And then I thought that Addison might have Meredith as sort of a 'therapy dog' when her brother was admitted.
> 
> All the other inspired works will come up eventually, but I don't want to explain them this minute because that would mean giving you spoilers, and that's beside the point of fanfiction. So to LordOfLezzies and SilverStarsAndMoons, you can just take on a wild guess of why your works might have inspired mine and you'd probably be right, because I'm not very subtle, at all.
> 
> Thanks for reading this little drabble, I hope you'll leave me a note at the end, especially if you do want me to continue this with more chapters and more story. Cheers to all the Grey's and Private Practice fans out there, and cheers to all the MerAdd diehards there are. Hope you enjoy your time reading as we are between seasons, and reminiscing on the past. Have a good day, bobbiejelly.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Falling Apart, Barely Breathing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434480) by [bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)
  * [You Know, I Know The Feeling...](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24169579) by [bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)
  * [Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276160) by [bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)
  * [Cinnamon](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24201019) by [bobbiejelly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbiejelly/pseuds/bobbiejelly)




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